You know what gets me about not backsliding from hard earn changes? Opening my big mouth! It's as if I just have to say what I'm feeling at the time--even knowing that I'm cutting my own throat where my H is concerned. I don't understand why I do that when I know that it is not going to earn me any Brownie points with him! Then after I say what I am busting to say, I am so mad at myself when I see the opposite results from what I was wanting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My mouth has always gotten me in trouble too! H would ask what was wrong and boy would I tell him. That has been a total 180 for me the last few months, learning not to say what is on my mind all the time. Not that there isn't a time and place for that, but that whole 24 hour rule is such a good thing. I think my H gets frustrated a bit now that he has started to ask me what was wrong again (after months of seemingly not caring) and I don't tell him. But that is better than undoing progress and is a change I am trying to implement. Besides, I frankly don't really trust him with my feelings/issues anyway right now.
TIF, your last post there totally applies to me too!I used to be all for telling H where he slipped up! Guess he`s still adapting to the fact that I just plain don`t go there anymore.
I've kept my mouth shut alot and I don't know if that's helped either. It seems like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't I use a different standard than I used to these days. Does it matter? To me, yes. I don't always respond the way I would like, but at the end of the day, I have had the opportunity to say some important things.
I understand the have to when it comes to saying things. What I find myself speaking outloud doesn't come from the same place though. I don't know quite how to explain it, but I've had some reactions come out of it. Keep in mind, almost any reaction out of my H can be considered a good one.
Grace - glad he came to Thanksgiving! Hope it was a good one!
I am finding now as I find my way through this that sometimes the opportunity does present itself to say things in a different way than I did before. But there is still soooooo much I want to say, that I wish saying would snap him out of it.
Lately it has been just to tell him to stop his tantrum already and face life and do something about his issues instead of running and trying to mask them.
But there is still soooooo much I want to say, that I wish saying would snap him out of it.
I know. It won't though. Something that helpoed me was to write letters (I have not and had no intention of giving to him). It helped me get it some of it out of my system. It isn't quite the same, but interestingly there have been 2 occasions where the clarity the letters gave me was really helpful b/c I was actually able to say some things.
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Lately it has been just to tell him to stop his tantrum already and face life and do something about his issues instead of running and trying to mask them.
It sounds like you've said this on more than one accasion. He heard you. Now, stop It sounds like you're "mothering" him. If he starts in try excusing yourself and leaving or one of my favorites is to say "wow, it sounds like it really sucks to be you. I'm sorry."
My H doesn't vent to me, but if yours does and you are willing to listen, you could invite that.
Thanksgiving was good. Lots of food and games.
How is everything going for you today? Is he in grump mode?
Keep in mind, almost any reaction out of my H can be considered a good one.
Oh honey I hear ya! I have to check my H once a day just to make sure he's breathing! (lol)
The biggest thing I hear men on the board say is that we women won't tell them in plain English what we want them to know. They say it should not be a guessing game. It will always be such a difference in how the sexes communicate, I suppose. However, I think some women do think that men are born knowing what females want & need. After all these years of M, I have finally come to terms with the idea that they actually need a picture drawn (in color) and with very simple instructions how to look at it. Maybe we have read too many romance novels where the hero knows the woman better than she knows herself? Well, it's sure not that way in reality!
Seriously, I have learned that if I will stop thinking about my pride and stop expecting my H to automatically know some things.....and just tell him in very simple short sentences what I want or how something made me feel....it works a lot better and saves a heck of a lot of time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You all have me on a roll now! I'm talking about two different things and should clearify in case you didn't understand. But, I get myself in trouble by not keeping my mouth closed when I spout off about something.......aNd usually it is about somebody else. He can't stand to hear me say anything negative about another person, and that's why I said it wins me no Brownie points. I think it started when I wanted him to be in my corner about certain issues or people, and when he wouldn't say anything...then I'd open my mouth aNd say something negative hoping he'd agree. Never happened. You'd think I would have learned, but then it turned into a nasty habit...
The other things I was referring to was how we should talk to our H's about our needs (especially in bed) or how we want something done (humm.....again, especially in bed), or what makes us happy (......okay I'll stop).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with you about women needing to be more forthcoming about what is on their mind instead of asking their men to be mind readers. I know I have been guilty of this for sure and if I get a second chance at marriage I will definitely be better about not assuming my H can read my mind!
Quote: Lately it has been just to tell him to stop his tantrum already and face life and do something about his issues instead of running and trying to mask them.
It sounds like you've said this on more than one accasion. He heard you. Now, stop It sounds like you're "mothering" him. If he starts in try excusing yourself and leaving or one of my favorites is to say "wow, it sounds like it really sucks to be you. I'm sorry."
Grace, I actually haven't said that to my H. Maybe initially before I realized what all was going on with him, months ago, I might have said something along those lines but haven't since. But I would love to!
I have done the letter writing thing. I wrote quite a nasty letter a few weeks ago unloading everything I was angry/frustrated/hurt about. When I am ready I am printing it out and burning it for that release. Not quite ready yet. And no, I wouldn't give it to him. I am also thinking I need to write one of those unpostable letters to my in-laws, too . . .
Glad you had a good Thanksgiving!
No grump here today, more like the strong, silent type (or maybe just silent). Actually, H took the kids to see a movie to get them out of my hair since it has been a long week, which was nice. Honestly, I would have rather been invited to go along but this is okay, too. Maybe some day.
Maybe we have read too many romance novels where the hero knows the woman better than she knows herself? Well, it's sure not that way in reality!
I am also thinking I need to write one of those unpostable letters to my in-laws, too . . .