H just came in from taking S10 bowling w/my family. Mood is not good. And it has been deteriorating w/in the past week or two. Cutting comments, sarcasm sprinkled in, etc... Today, he comes in, sits down across from me (waiting for boys to get him something). He makes some really hurtful comments. And, I just look at him. And, he says... "Maybe I'm mistaken?". Me. Silence. H... "Huh? Do ya think?". I replied, "Yep."
He's trying to hurt me.
H then was short w/the boys, and then left to take S10 w/him on errand. They are bringing back lunch soon.
I've cried, let it out, etc..
This is typical of him. He let's something bother him, doesn't say anything, makes hurtful comments to me, and when I ask him (after dealing w/this for a few weeks) what is really going on... He blows up.
(While I was typing)... H calls asking a question about a video game, giving a status of what they are doing, and he's perfectly fine and conversational.
Ideas???
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Mindfull, "Perfectly fine and conversational" sounds like "Gee, I acted like an a$$. Let me smooth it over."
So one thing Coach tells me is that if there is something bothering me, it is my responsibility to bring it up. And I do that...now. Didn't used to. Used to stuff. At any rate, I look for a good time to say "Hey there, Coach..."
What would happen if you modeled for him? "Hey H, something is bothering me and it's my responsibility to let you know, rather that stuffing it until I cannot talk reasonably about it. When you _______________________, I feel ________________________. It would help me and I could address your concerns much better if you talked to me rather than letting resentment/anger build up in your delivery." Or something like that.
What d'ya think? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
He makes some really hurtful comments. And, I just look at him. And, he says... "Maybe I'm mistaken?". Me. Silence. H... "Huh? Do ya think?". I replied, "Yep."
Um.. instead of the "Yep" could you try something like this next time: MF: "Do you really want to know what I think?" .. ask this in a curious tone, not angry, not aggressive. H : Whatever his answer is... MF: "I think you've got a lot on your mind and you're frustrated. You're trying to hold it in until you sort it out but it's not working. I know its not working because you're taking it out on me. That's not fair and you know it. -- then cut the conversation, get up and do something else. Let him think about it.
MF, can you share what the hurtful comments were?
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I got this in time, and I think I combined both of your responses, and it appears to have worked!
So, H arrives back home w/our lunch. He's still in an okay mood.
His friend calls while we're getting lunch ready... asked him to come over to play Poker during the Bears game. There were a bunch of guys coming... (ON THE PHONE) H: "Friend, why didn't you give me some warning? We just got lunch, and I have some stuff to get done around the house today. Thanks for the invite, though."
````` EXPLANATION ON THE FOLLOWING: The friend inviting him over is a friend from long ago, who he barely talks to anymore. H used to really enjoy a friendly game of Poker, and hasn't done something w/friends (alone) in almost a year.
H tells me what the call was about. I tell him. "H, You know, I can tell something is bothering you. The boys and I are just hanging out, and S10 has bball tonight. We won't be making dinner until late anyhow. Instead of letting this something bother you, and make hurtful comments to me, why don't you give yourself some space, and have a little fun? That's a lot more fair, right?"
H... Didn't say much directly to me, or about it... Goes about his business getting lunch unpacked, etc... We go downstairs to eat in the pub, and watch a game that's on. He asks me to be his partner in a game of pool w/the boys (he NEVER asks me to join them), and I do (and make the winning shot btw!!). We are all smiling and having fun.
H leaves the room, and comes back w/his coat on. He says, "I think I will go for awhile. I'll pick up S10 from bball practice on my way home." Kiss and a hug.
I'll take Greeks advice next, and open up the conversation, probably middle of the week.
THANK YOU!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
BIG SMILE on my face right now. Congratulations! You handled it PERFECTLY.
Nice touch for suggesting for he go out. You acknowledged his frustrations and took the pressure of HAVING to stay home off. He probably turned it down at first because he felt it would be held against him if he did go out. And... let's face it MF... you WOULD have been resentful if he did go out. .... See... he does know you. Or rather, he knew it would push your button and he didn't want conflict.
Keep easing the pressure off him and you'll see him start to open up to you after a while.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Yes, and it was something we haven't talked about in years, and bothered him to his core.
D18 was a D3 when H and I got married. I was very young, and only married to her BioDad for a short time. She saw her Dad regularly until she was a D15, and it was mostly miserable for her, incredibly expensive for us (trying to change her visitation/custody agreements a LOT), and a major frustration. H was and is her Dad. They are very tight, and still continue to have a great relationship, even though she is now moved out and going to college. H always felt helpless in the situation, like he couldn't fix any of the crap her BioDad slung at her. Trust me, he TRIED. He/We had our hands legally tied. He tried to handle things w/her BioDad directly, through me, w/the attorneys, etc... And, worse yet, he felt that if I died, she could be taken away by BioDad anytime.
At one point he/we was incredibly frustrated w/the situation after her BioDad had received a DUI (with her in the car!), and I had been to court to get some kind of restraining order/order of protection during visitation - or at the least, supervised visitation, and came home a wreck. The judge not only ignored all of the evidence, and my request, but gave her BioDad an extra night a week overnight in visitation. (We later read that the judge had been pulled from his position and prosecuted for accepting bribes! Sh*t! Had I known he'd accept a bribe, I would have paid the sucker off!)
H was pissed. I mean really pissed. He wanted to move our family to a warmer climate, FAR away. We looked in the Las Vegas suburbs and in Wilmington/Wrightsville Beach, NC-area. I liked them both, but didn't love them enough to move. I have grown up in this town, am an only child, AND, at this time, my Dad had just had to have a quadruple bypass. I couldn't do it. I couldn't move away from my family.
H never said much about it... but did make follow-up comments (especially around the time when it got cold, or we had follow-up issues).
WITH THAT SAID...
Today, H sits across from me at the table in our pub. I'm looking at the newspaper, and catalogs for xmas gift ideas. He looks at a section of the paper. There's an article on a 92-year old man who grew up in our town.
H: "Did you read this article?" MF: "No, I haven't gotten to that section yet." H: "This man has lived here for all 92 of his years. Can you imagine? Living here your ENTIRE life?: MF: "No, I can't." H: "You can, because you have." MF: "No, I lived away at school for four years." H: "You COULD have moved away, but you didn't want D18 to not be able to see her BioDad anymore. You SAID you wanted to stay because of the move away from your family, but it's really what you DIDN'T say." H: "Maybe I'm mistaken?". MF: Silence. H: "Huh? Do ya think?". I replied, "Yep."
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
