Is this the end of my marriage?

[sandi2]

My deepest sympathy is for you and your family.

[jumpyninja]

P17,

Nothing I can say that hasn't already be said about your mother. Deepest condolences.
Just so you know, you will get through this along with everything else, and you will be stronger because of it. Few things in life challenge and test a man's character more than loss, and you've experienced quite a bit of it recently. But I am certain you will continue. At some point down the road, you will draw strength from all this. This time in your life may not define you, but it will be a defining moment in your life. You will be fine.

[P17]

Thanks to everybody for theirvkind wods.

I know grief hits people in different ways but at the moment I feel fine. I think come the funeral things will change. However I also feel that situation with W has maybe educated me to find strength and courage in this rather than crumpling. I really don't know. We dont know when funeral will be as its the weekend and organise anything until Monday.

At the moment I am concentrating on keeping me sane and helping family. However I start the 300 mile drive home today.

As this is a DB forum, I better talk about WAW.

I have decided not to tell her or her family for a few reasons:

1. Since the split none of her family have contacted me at all about anything.

2. W hasn't contacted me this weekend to say anything about my mum.

3. I have 99.9% detached from W and Id atger she didnt actually know.

4. Self preservation. If I did let her know through IM then her reaction may upset me so why put myself thrugh it.

W made clear that she wasnt interested in my mum in her email (who talks about a dying family member, xmas presents and xmas things out of the loft in the same email).

I have thought I am maybe punishing w with this and to be honest, I dont have an answer. I dont think I am, just trying to protect me and family. Its not so much NC anymore, more like I dont want you in my life snymore as you are no good for me. My mum was a stubborn so and so and was very much against me 'taking back' W. It wouldnt actually surprise me if she did this deliberately to make me see that Thats the kind of thing sh'd do, and where I get it from

What is concerning me is my reaction. I spoke to IC about this at our lsst meeting as I was worried that my feelings aout my mum and everything else would just explode one day. I hope not but it does worry me.

[chatterbug]

Good call P17. This is a family issue and you need the support of family and friends. WAS is neither.

As for NC and I don't want you in my life. Its what you will experience in NC. You will swing back and forth. This is a good thing. It shows you that your healing. Plus you do not need that extra stress at this point.

[P17]

WAS called me earlier while I was with my dad. Didnt answer and she didnt leave a message. I thougt I had blocked her calls but obviously not. Adjusted software on phone so they should not be hung up on (this is how the software does it).

Yet again W ignores NC letter by calling me direct instead of IM and by contacting me at all. Not sure when she will 'get it'. I had her down as semi-intelligent. I was wrong about that and so much more.

I thought I would be the one to break NC letter, not her!

[chatterbug]

She will not get it. She is testing your boundaries. Seeing what she can do to suck you back in.

P17 she is going to miss those EN's from you. This is a confusing time for her.

But remember Plan B. Its for you to heal. To keep what love you have left for that woman locked away somewhere in your heart. As time goes by you will choose to let it fade away, live a life alone or you will meet someone new who your willing to share your moments in life with ( that could be your WAS or someone else)

Time will tell.

So life your life and enjoy the safety of living in the black.

[jumpyninja]

P17,

Just remember one thing about her. She is experiencing the same kind of pain and discomfort that you are. And just like you, she will attempt not to display it for you.
She violates the NC because she does not want to have NC with you. She does not know what to do, and she is scared and afraid and is in a pit that she cannot get herself out of at this point. Everyone reaches out for comfort and for something to make them feel safe. That is why NC works so often, because the person left behind reaches out for the comfort of the person they hurt, and in doing so, realizes the gravity of what they have done and how to rectify it.
She will probably attempt to contact you. Do not worry about this, keep doing what you are doing. You have bigger things to deal with right now. You are doing fine.

[sandi2]

As this is a DB forum, I better talk about WAW.

It's okay, hon, I've talked about everything! It is whatever that is affecting one's life that is important. Your mother was very important to you and I'm sorry that your W does not have the maturity or unselfishness to have overcome before your mother passed away.

You probably would not make much progress in telling her about your mother passing away, IDK. But, I think by contacting your W that it would cause the kind of distraction you don't need at this time.

As far as how you have responded to the death of your mother, don't be hard on yourself about what you do or do not feel right now. As you said, we all react differently. Sometimes we don't react like we thought we would when we knew we'd be facing it. It hits us in stages, so just allow whatever you feel (or don't) to take its course. Your mother knew you loved her and that's what counts.

I hope that you will be able to talk to us or put your thoughts about your W aside....or whatever you need to do in order to get though the next several days. It's tough, no doubt about that.

[chatterbug]

Hi P17 just wanted to let you know that you were in my thoughts today. I hope you and your daughter are well in this difficult time.

Remember to eat and drink lots of water.

Take good care of both of you.

[P17]

Thanks again everybody for your support.

Will hear today, I hope, as to when the funeral is for my mum.

Went to see D's school headmistress this morning to discuss homework and the current situation with mum and W. They were very supportive.

I'm feeling a little anger and resentment this morning. It's just a little but it is there.

I also think that situation with W has actually allowed me to understand myself and deal with issues much more clearly and focused. Before and even after she left I was a complete mess.
I think maybe that is why I am dealing with my mum's death so well at the moment. However I do know that it can't last.

Grieving is a strange process and affects us all differently so I'm not going to beat myself up about not having fallen apart. I feel strong, incredibly strong, focused and determined. I can't remember feeling this way before. I hope it is not an artificial feeling and does stand me in good stead for the weeks and months to come.

As I said above, W called me yesterday and I ignored it. Maybe:

1. It was a mistake,
2. Maybe it was a cry for attention (I used to do that with her - call her 'accidently' and then hang up so she'd see my number and think of me)
3. Maybe she wanted to know how things were.

1 and 2 are plausible, 1 more so. As she is no longer being allowed to cake eat and no longer has my or D's EN's to play with, 2 is also possible, although I think unlikely. She never called back so it's unlikely to be 3.

Whatever it was, as Sandi and Jumpyninja said - I have bigger things to worry about just now. So her cowardice, selfishness and reaching out for comfort are of no interest to me just now.

As cutterbug said, I need to keep the few loving feelings I have left for W locked away now and not let her erode them any further.

I am enjoying being dark. This is for me and it has helped me move on with my life. Whether that ends up being with W or not, it matters not. I will make it and I will be okay.