She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[sandi2]

I have to laydown to be a doormat, right?

Excellent point! She will not respect a doormat no matter how you try to dress it up. There is one thing and one thing only she will respect and that is you saying what you mean and making her stick to what has been agreed. Somewhere along the way, she has made you think you were controlling and now you are leary about sticking to your guns b/c of that. Well, who cares? If she didn't blame you with controlling, it would be something else, right? It is very important that you do not argue a point that you have already stated. I wondered why you said she was coming and the two of you were going to sit down and discuss the issue about your S13 and who he'd be staying with, etc. Why have her sit down and talk? Wasn't it decided before she tried to throw a monkey wrench into it? You know as well as anybody that it will end up with the two of you arguing. She'll get mad and if you aren't very caredful, you'll give in to her just to have peace! That is one of the worst things a man can do. It only makes the woman worse the next time she wants her way!

Just remind your W that what was decided about the kids schedule stands and there is nothing to discuss. Tell her that if you ever even get the idea that she's behind one of the kid's changing their minds about where they "really" want to stay....that you will take her to court and a judge can make all the decisions. Don't say that she "was" behind your son wanting to be there with her family, but that if you ever just get the "feeling" that she has anything to do with one of the kids changing their plans.

A woman like your W has to have a man who is stronger than she is. If she doesn't, she'll eat him alive! You must stand up to her on EVERYTHING and don't give an inch (unless it is something extordinatory). Yes, it is unpleasant, but you may be looking at the rest of your life with this cr@p if you don't lay down the law to her.

Was she planning to come anyway, or did you ask her to come in order to discuss this? Since she's coming anyway.....head off the discussion with what you said still stands. If she starts in with her bitching...hold up your hand in a "stop" position and tell her that you will not argue nor discuss it farther. Know how to deal with a female that pitches a fit? Walk out of the house and drive away. If it's your house and not her's....then show her the door. You don't have to put up with that from her. You've told me enough that I already have her number! Women like her think they "have" to have at least one person they hate all the time. They almost make it their project. So, you're her enemy....that may never change, but I can promise you that it won't change by you kissing her behind. She may not like you--but you can make her respect you.

It also teaches your son how to be a man and how he needs to act when he's M. It shows your D what kind of man she needs to M some day regardless of what mom may tell her. Let's hope your D won't turn out to be like her mother.

I need some support about what to say, how to say it, etc.

Okay, I'm kind of repeating myself, but this may give you a play by play of what I was saying.

So....when your W sits down, don't even wait until she tries to hit you with how unreasonable you are being and how much her family wants S13 to be there or how much he wants it. She'll probably start on you the minute she gets there, but when you finally get her sitted.....continue to stand to make your statement (b/c that puts you in a position of authority). Hold up your hand and say, "W, I'll save you the time and energy by telling you that I have decided (very important to use the words I've decided) that we will stick to the schedule that was originally agreed upon. There will always be "something" that comes along that you or somebody else will want to change things around. After giving this careful thought, I have decided that that it will be to the kids' advantage, in the long run, to stay on schedule."

She, of course, will tell you how selfish you are......or at least she'll start, but that is when you hold up your hand to "stop". Say, "W, we will not fight about this. We can sit down and calmly discuss the calendar for this next year and decide how we will share visitation, or you may leave....it's your choice, but we will not argue about this".

She will react b/c she's use to getting her way. She'll probably acuse you of controlling, so when she starts......either hand her her coat and show her the door and say, "When you are ready to calmly discuss next year's calendar, then I will talk to you....but not until then". I am thinking you two are S, so you should be able to walk her to the door and say nothing farther, but if I'm wrong then you can leave and go spend the night in a motel or something....but don't take her disrespect.

I think I should offer spring break week as an alternative.

I'm not saying that in the future that you can't be more flexable, but for this time.....in order to show her that you still wear pants like a man (no offense), you don't need to offer any alternatives. If you do, then you are politely handing all the power back to her after you've just taken it from her. That is your goal this time around...is to take control of your life again and stop giving her all the power. You are not trying to control what she does in her life, but she has no right to control yours. BTW, do not argue any of this with her. Her "tool" will be to get you into an argument and that is why I keep telling you not to argue. As soon as you do....you've lost. It is like aruging with a child.....as soon as you do then you've lost your authority as a parent. Just as with a child, you do not have to give her any "pitch" for why you have made your decisions. This isn't a sale you're making, so don't feel that you have to do that, okay? Just state your decision and leave it at that.

I told a man some type of advice similar to this one time and a female poster didn't like it. Said, "Why don't you just tell all the women to walk ten paces behind the men?" (LOL) That isn't what I'm doing here. I am trusting that you realize that you have to regain ground that has been lost a long time ago with your W. It may take courage, the first time, but I'll bet it makes you feel great! She won't like it, but she will respect a man who shows strength and leadership. There is a difference in being the leader in a family....and being a dictator. She has chosen to leave you and not follow, but your children need their father to be a leader.