A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Hi, folks,

H and I just came out of a 2-hr long R-talk and I could use your thoughts on resources for helping H learn how to validate my feelings. He feels the talk, while horrid and uncomfortable as to the topics, was very successful. While I said what I needed to say, I didn't feel heard.

The talk started when H very perceptively asked me if I feel like I get enough time or attention from my mother. Then it did the thing where it ranges all over creation. Eventually, we got on the topic of his mother and the possibility that we might have to move out. To make a long story short, I suggested that if he were able to honestly say some variation of the following to his mother, that it might lead to a softening of her position against me/the reconciliation:

"Mom, there were valid reasons why Dia left. I had an alcohol problem, and I had an inappropriate relationship with her best friend."

Of course, the 'honestly' part would mean that he would have to *agree* with the statement above, so the R talk focused on those two issues, namely the alcohol and the R with XBFF.

There were a number of places of concern for me in the convo. I still see minimizing of the alcohol-related behaviors. I do not see an alcohol problem at present at all, but I still see some defensive sweeping-under-the-rug. I still see a lot of blame of me for things. For example, at one point I was marking bottles so as to get a facts-based version of how much/how often he was drinking. For my part, I really did want the facts. He was telling the MC that he drank far less and far less often than I believed he was, and when I said I thought it was more, I was accused of exaggerating - hence my marking of the bottles. It wasn't so I could be 'right'. It was to find out if maybe I *was* exaggerating. Well, to him, the only reason I marked the bottles was that I was out to get him and I was case-building so I could build up enough pretext to leave.

These beliefs on his part only fuel the perception on the part of many people, including his mother, that the break-up was all Dia's fault. By leaving that perception unchallenged, he is tacitly reinforcing it. If we're going to make headway with his mother, he needs to own his [censored] and let his mother know he contributed to the downfall.

Re: the XBFF - I was talking very openly about the degree of pain I felt about that relationship regarding *her* betrayal, not just his, and he made a remark about "So this is why you've made her into such a demon?" Yeah, I corrected that one. /deadpan

Dia: Hmmm, when you say I've made her into a demon, I hear that you think I am demonizing her unfairly. Is that correct?

H: You're certainly up in arms against her.

Dia: Given the circumstances, I think my feelings about XBFF are reasonable and valid. I mean, where's the little voice that says, "You know, my two best friends are really having a hard time in their marriage, so seducing the guy would really be a bad idea right about now. Not to mention it would be a crappy thing to do to my best friend."

H: I don't think she thought things through that far. She was hurting over (her X-husband).

Dia: I'm sure she *was* hurting. So were you. But hurting doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean it wasn't a betrayal of me. I was hurting, too. Does that mean it was ok for me to get involved with OM? So "I was hurting" justifies just about anything? It may make it *understandable*, but it doesn't change whether or not it was right, and it doesn't change how much it hurt people.

So anyways, he needs time to process a lot of this. It was a long convo, and his M.O. is to mull things over slowly and then come back to me with them a day or three later. We'll see.

At one point in the convo I asked him if he knew what it meant to validate someone's feelings, and he said no. So I explained. Then I explained that for several years, I'd sensed tension between me and his mother, and when I had brought it up to him, mostly he'd told me I was wrong and just playing into the MIL stereotype. Now, with things in the open, it seemed pretty clear to me that there really *was* tension between me and his mother, so could he see how I would feel after years of having my feelings minimized and disregarded?

And he launched into an explanation of why his mother feels like she does.

/headdesk

Dia: Yes. I can see why she would feel that way. Can *you* understand how *I* feel?

H: <silence, long look, then very hesitant and unconvincing> ... yes...?

So, bottom line - H could do with some upgrading in the feelings validation department. What resources - books, websites, etc. do all of you recommend?

After the talk, I asked him if we could do some work on feelings-validation so that I could come away from talks like this feeling heard and validated, and he agreed.