My H left home about 10 days ago. No note. No reason given. I just came home, saw some of his things missing and that was that. I contacted him two days later to see if he was alive and kicking. He was. Since then, from time to time he has visited the house in my absence to pick up things, do laundry etc.
He finally turned up yesterday at which point I asked if he had moved out. He replied in the negative. I told him that it was not fair to me to leave without telling me of his whereabouts or when he would be back since this was a home and not an extended stay inn. I told him that he did not even display the modicum of civility one would extend to a mere room mate. His basic reply was that as long as I knew he was ok , I didn't need to worry or know anything else.
Well, I let that one pass. I then asked whether he was back to stay as I would not accept my privacy being interrupted by his coming and going in a random manner and I needed peace of mind. Either he is living here or he is not. I pointed out that I could not visit him wherever he was and come and go as I please. This point seeemed lost on him...
I finally asked what he intended to do about our R. I know it is not up to him but my position is you want out, you do it. He said he did not know. He is totally uninterested in me or the M and he has felt this way for a long time. He has tried and given it his all but he has received little in return.
I said that I did not see it that way but that I undertsood how he felt. I agreed with him that things were not working out and added that I felt he had decided he did not want them to work out. I told him he should man up and do what he has to do because I have no intention of doing his dirty work for him. I told him that I understood that he was willing to live in limbo but I would not put my life on hold.
I then added that while he was not attracted to me, it would not be a problem to move on and find someone who is. In fact, it would be a very easy thing to do because I was now done.( I have no intention of breaking my marriage vows but it is true that several men have expressed an interest in me and it would be easy)
I told him that he did not have to tell me where he had been staying because I already knew. He asked for details and I told him that was on a need to know basis and that he didn't need to know.
I then left the house. Half an hour later he sent a text to say that he loved me but was not into me and that would not change. He said he could never hate me and didn't want to hurt me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I told him I understood how he could feel that way and wished him a blessed life.
Now,he is entitled to his feelings andthat was never the fundamental problem. I just think that there is a kinder road he could have taken. One paved with truth and compassion instead of callousness and disdain. One where he had an honest, open conversation with me. One where he could at least say "I know we are no longer involved but I will be gone for x days". I could live with that even if I hated it.
So, I am through with active DBing. I don't need to become more interesting, more funny, dress sexier, be mysterious. I don't need to be anything for him because I am enough. I will not twist myself like a pretzel to become new improved KARA. I am already damned good Kara. There is a man out there who will want what I have to offer.
I have made worth while changes and those were for me. Now everything is for ME. He is no longer a consideration. I HAVE DONE ALL THAT I CAN. Game over. Over!!!
Thanks for all the well wishes.I was out for a while with friends and didn't get the chance to reply.
I am thanking God that I made it through and that I could draw on his strength. That although my dreams appear to have ended in a way I did not want, HE still has a bigger dream for me than I could ever have for myself. And so I wait on Him and His timing.
I don't feel that I was particularly strong or that it was well done. I just did what I needed to do. My voice wasn't always strong during the conversation but mostly.
How do I feel now? Better and worse. Not fearful but somewhat sad. But I have had a year of ups and downs and I need some stability now.
I feel sad because I don't want to quit on my M but it really does take two at some point. My H is so closed up and distant that I am just exhausted by it all. I need oxygen. It was only when I went on holiday with friends earlier this year that I realized how few words are spoken in this house. It is taxing.And yet I would have endured that but the blatant disrespect I could not endure.
I was always hopeful that things would improve. Always optimistic.
I trust God. I have only ever loved my H but I will not be disrespected in this manner. Oh, to be sure I helped get us where we are and I have not always met his needs. But any pain I inficted was done unknowingly.
This is one battle that is beyond me. Perhaps I have held on to this M too tightly and I just need to hold on to God and what He will unfold in my life. Ultimately M belongs to him and He knows I have tried. So it is truly over to Him now. I have done what I felt He asked of me and that is all that I can do. I am proud of that.
I have also done some things I am not proud of and that is why I feel that this is an unhealthy sitch for me. This has brought out the best and the worst in me and behavior that has not always been attractive. I have apologized for that to H like I felt a woman should.
I have to concentrate on me and my best interests now. My H will have to live with his conscience over his behavior and make his peace. All the rest is in God's hands.
H and I will of necessity have to share a house for a while so my immediate game plan is to develop a thriving mechanism which will enable me to live my best life at this time. I will not be beaten down and I will not live a small life. The rest of 2009 is my time to shine and 2010 is all about realizing goals I had put on hold.
Tough stuff, Kara. You refused to be disrespected and stood up for yourself. You know you gave the M all you had and yet, it does take two at some point to make it work.
Be extra good to yourself for awhile... you are strong but the sadness is real and part of the grieving process... over the end of the M. Take good care of yourself and keep moving forward. It will be okay.
Hi Kara, This is my favorite Dawna Markova Poem, it is called Fully Alive, but your threads reminded me of it, so I would like to share it with you.
I will not die an unlived life. I will not go in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, To make me less afraid, More accessible, To loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance. To live. So that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom Goes on as fruit.
Good luck (((Kara)))
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
(((((Kara))))) Hope you are feeling strong today. It sounds to me like you have done a healthy amount of owning your part in things and you can hold your head high. I have also found great comfort in releasing my M to God. I am praying for that peace for you today.
Bluerain... thanks for sharing that poem. I found that very inspiring for me today!
I don't need to be anything for him because I am enough. I will not twist myself like a pretzel to become new improved KARA. I am already damned good Kara.
I think that is a major point about DB'ing that some never get...Good luck to you...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
