So without tone, wit, and knife, what do I have? Ten pounds of nothing in a 5-pound bag.
.. and vulnerability, the opportunity to write from the heart, not be distracted by packaging.
Being perceptive about your children's needs is being a good father. Reaching out to their mother for their well being is a good thing. Divorce is between the adults. Co-parenting is the duty of the mother and father.
Going for counseling, direction, coaching in that regard is a very good thing whether it's solo or tandem. How the two of you act toward each other teaches the children conflict resolution. And what you do individually makes you a role model. Little things when referring to her, is she "Mommy" or "your Mommy". "Your Mommy" carries an edge, the same way the kids describing "our house" and "yours" does to you.
Reassure your kids about their mom with love and laughter. You don't have to love the woman to honor their mom because that is what she is and will always be. I often bemoan how little my kids' dad spends with them. Now I accept (when I remember to) that he loves them to the best of his ability, that he would never do them harm even if he does not treat them in a way I feel is appropriate.
Let the kids come to you. Be "Switzerland" when it comes to their mother, drop the rope of animosity, paranoia and anxiety. She loves them, she would not knowingly hurt them. Continue being the safe place. And be happy that she is a part of their life. Children need both parents.
Keep looking at the big picture. And thanks, George.
*hugs*
PS.. Smoking again? Sheesh.. you've got to be kidding me... WHACK!
