Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Ok, she just e-mailed me again for the Paypal password, this is what I wrote back to her:

I have closed the joint paypal account. If you would like to open your own Paypal account you can do so by using your own bank account. Also, I feel disrespected when you overdraw our joint bank account. If you overdraw it one more time, I will notify the bank, and take appropriate action to protect myself from any further action. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Thoughts???

[SoldierDad]

You guys absolutely ROCK!!! I would sit in a foxhole with you all any day of the week!!! So much information to process, and so many things to work on. I feel as if I am slowly but surely getting myself "armed" for this conflict. I want to do everything right, even though I know I will probably mess up. I am definately going to buy some new clothes, shoes etc. I am going to have the time of my life with my boys for the short time I am home. Thank you so much.

[Greek]

In future, say "It IS disrespectful" rather than "I feel disrespected."

What is the joint acct. for? Household expenses?

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Not bad. I wouldn't use the word "disrespected" here; it's more of "when you overdraw the account, it poses an undue financial burden on the family and hurts our credit rating, and I'm no longer going to tolerate such irresponsible behavior." But what you wrote isn't bad.

Leave the "disrespectful" replies for things that are truly disrespectful -- lying to you, mouthing off to you, etc. When her behavior is irresponsible, then call it that.

Puppy

[Greek]

I guess my biggest concern for you on your two week visit home is that she will bait your into losing your cool. You are sitting on so many questions, wrapped in emotion, fear - and all of this is understandable. You must be to the brim with anticipation of how this thing is going to go - compacted into such a little bit of time - lots of pressure. That's why it's good for you to sort of rehearse all of this in your head and talk it out here with us. But remember that the rehearsal is your parts ONLY. You will not be able to manage what she does. Only what you do.

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Greek, we still have a joint account, and will for one more month. The reason for that is, I don't have all the account numbers, accounts, addresses etc, that I need in order to take the bills over myself. I am going to do that when I get back for the 2 weeks, and then it will be closed. She has a really bad habit of overdrawing the account, getting a advance for a small fee. This has been going on for a long time-yes I know, I should have set a boundary. She has always paid all the bills, and handled the account. Well, no more. My paycheck has been routed into my bank account, and I will transfer just enough funds to cover the bills to the joint account-just for this month. Yes, I will ensure she pays all the bills, and if she doesn't, I have a contingency plan to take care of them. Thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I guess my biggest concern for you on your two week visit home is that she will bait your into losing your cool. You are sitting on so many questions, wrapped in emotion, fear - and all of this is understandable. You must be to the brim with anticipation of how this thing is going to go - compacted into such a little bit of time - lots of pressure. That's why it's good for you to sort of rehearse all of this in your head and talk it out here with us. But remember that the rehearsal is your parts ONLY. You will not be able to manage what she does. Only what you do.

Greek

Maybe you can use these two weeks, SD, to get on some anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds? Many of them take about 2 weeks to take effect, so maybe see your dr. there now about this?

I found they REALLY helped me stay calm and focused during the trying times.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy, Greek, I'm working at this. I am focusing on key words and phrases, and the whole detachment part. I am getting there. I have also cut and pasted so much information from here, I am going to print everything out, and run through scenarios that I know will come up. This stuff is hard work, but I am determined to give it everything I have. That's the only way I know how to live life. Kinda have to, in my line of work!!! I am concerned about the visit too. There is so many things running through my mind. My main focus, is not her, rather, it is my boys, and spending every second with them count. If that leaves her feeling better about me, that is a bonus. Believe me folks, I am trying!!!

[Greek]

Why not just set up online bill pay for the bills and you can handle it all from where you are? I'm thinking you take it all out of her hands. She is irresponsible and moreover, she is not on the side of the family now. She has not made that a secret, SD. So why not let her know that, "Based on what you have told me, W, I have decided to protect my family's assets and financial future by overseeing the in and out of the family money. I will pay all bills online, and those that cannot be set up that way, I will leave money in the joint acct for you to pay. If you will not do that, I will arrange another way."

The overarching reality here is that you have a grown woman who is acting like a teenage girl. And her Daddy (that' you) has spoiled her. She wants to be on her own but she wants Daddy to support it. She wants to stay out all night, ignore her responsibilities and not be accountable. As a parent, what would you tell your sons if (when!) they act that way? You know what you'd say. So now apply that to your wife who is behaving badly.

She's going through this for an array of reasons. And you will need to deal with those .... but first... The Boundaries.

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Puppy, I agree with you, however, and this is hard to explain. In my job/position, it doesn;t look good for a senior enlisted to be on AD/AA meds. Especially in the theater I am in right now. That is something I am going to take care of upon my re-deployment. Thank you for your concern.