To add: I can only call home once a day if I am lucky. I spoke to my youngest S about 30 min. ago, he was making mac and cheese-12 year old. I asked him why, he said that M was upstairs sleeping, and she didn't make dinner. Not sure if that is true, because in the past she has told them to lie for her. Yes, I know that is sad. Also, on nights she goes out, she just buys a pizza and leaves. I dunno, maybe I just oughta cut sling and let her go, give her the D.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Is that what you want? Im guessing no, or you wouldnt be here. How long have you been married? You cant expect these things that have taken so long to get screwed up to get fixed overnight.
Im sure that you will have a much clearer picture of whats going on for real when you get back there in a few weeks.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Bluerain, I DON'T want a divorce, I want to do whatever it takes to make my M work. I guess my issue is, does she? Will she? I don't want to have false "hope", if there isn't a chance. I dunno. I am trying to absorb all of this stuff, but it seems like I take 1 step forward, and then 3 steps back. By the way, I will only be back for 2 weeks, then I redeploy for another 2 months.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Ok, I have some questions if y'all can entertain me.
1. W has said before that I am not welcome in home when I am back for R&R, I WILL be staying in the home-no matter what she says, however, do I tell her this before I get there, or just do it?
2. If there is OM, knowing that I am leaving again in 2 weeks, I will lay the boundary, but how can I enforce it if I am not there?
3. I will be there at Christmas-do I buy W a small gift? Wish her Merry C? She didn't call me on Tgiving, so I am thinking NO.
4. If the idea is to be a strong, confident Alpha male, looking good, smelling good, not over reacting to anything she says or does - how do I pull that off without looking like I am faking it? I know NOTHING about fashion etc. I have the means to buy new clothes-she is used to me in Harley T-shirts, and jeans. What do I buy-LADIES???
5. What do I do, if she just locks me out of the M bedroom? We have locks on the doors. Do I just accept that, or get the key and open the door and go in?
I have more questions, and will post them soon. Thank you all for your help-I am a better man because of all of you.
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Anyone have any thoughts on the previous thread? Also, any ideas on how I could set a boundary for my W, to NOT leave my boys alone for more than 4-5 hours-knowing that I am deployed? Maybe something like this: W, I can't control what you're doing, but I am not going to allow my sons to be alone for more than 5 hours. If you're going to be gone more than 5 hours, or if you're not going to cook for them, I expect you to bring them a healthy meal. If you leave them alone for more than 5 hours, or don’t make sure they have a decent, healthy meal, I will call CPS. Not sure if that is too aggressive. Thoughts?
"embrace the suck" - Coach "don't go all "Melty Man" on us" - Puppy Let Go and Let God Finally "Got It" - 15 Jan 2010
Anyone have any thoughts on the previous thread? Also, any ideas on how I could set a boundary for my W, to NOT leave my boys alone for more than 4-5 hours-knowing that I am deployed? Maybe something like this: W, I can't control what you're doing, but I am not going to allow my sons to be alone for more than 5 hours. If you're going to be gone more than 5 hours, or if you're not going to cook for them, I expect you to bring them a healthy meal. If you leave them alone for more than 5 hours, or don’t make sure they have a decent, healthy meal, I will call CPS. Not sure if that is too aggressive. Thoughts?
I might end it with " . . . I will do what is necessary to make sure they are taken care of," and leave it at that.
1. W has said before that I am not welcome in home when I am back for R&R, I WILL be staying in the home-no matter what she says, however, do I tell her this before I get there, or just do it?
Just do it. Nothing good will come out of a war of words - "Oh yes I am and you can't stop me." That isn't going to get you anywhere. Your house - that's where you are staying. Just do it.
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2. If there is OM, knowing that I am leaving again in 2 weeks, I will lay the boundary, but how can I enforce it if I am not there?
Even if you were there, you couldn't enforce it. Some things are out of your control. Just let her know what the consequences will be for her behavior. Then follow through.
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3. I will be there at Christmas-do I buy W a small gift? Wish her Merry C? She didn't call me on Tgiving, so I am thinking NO.
I'm thinking 'yes'. Nothing romantic. Something kind and something that you know she will like - but not over the top.
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4. If the idea is to be a strong, confident Alpha male, looking good, smelling good, not over reacting to anything she says or does - how do I pull that off without looking like I am faking it? I know NOTHING about fashion etc. I have the means to buy new clothes-she is used to me in Harley T-shirts, and jeans. What do I buy-LADIES???
You won't be FAKING it. You will look, smell and feel good. Make up your mind now. Sure, she'll notice and may even snark at you like "What's up with the blah, blah, blah?" Just smile and say nothing - mystery. Get new jeans. Buy a collared polo shirt. Got khakis? Get new shoes - not tennis shoes - big boy shoes Be different and dress differently than you normally do. I don't mean a whole new style - your style is your style. But the polish - spiff it up some. New underwear, too. Not that you'll be modeling that for her...but they'll be around and she'll notice. Sure would make me wonder - why does he have new boxers??? When you go out, even if it's just to take the boys to the mall - whatever - look good. Don't just throw on anything and head out. Put yourself together first. Not for HER ..... for YOU! B/c that's how your roll now.
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5. What do I do, if she just locks me out of the M bedroom? We have locks on the doors. Do I just accept that, or get the key and open the door and go in?
Don't get baited into knocking the door down or anything like that. Don't let her bait you AT ALL. If you can unlock the door with a key, yep, I say do it. That is the room that y'all share. If she doesn't want to share it anymore - then she can move. "W, I understand that you don't want to share a room with me. I don't agree. But since you are the one who doesn't want to share, you can leave. I will be sleeping in this room." 'Nuff said.
Cheers ~ Greek (who consulted with Coach on these answers while he reads the Sunday paper)
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Ok, I have some questions if y'all can entertain me.
1. W has said before that I am not welcome in home when I am back for R&R, I WILL be staying in the home-no matter what she says, however, do I tell her this before I get there, or just do it?
JUST DO IT.
2. If there is OM, knowing that I am leaving again in 2 weeks, I will lay the boundary, but how can I enforce it if I am not there?
We'll have to give this one some thought. Let's wait and see what the P-I comes back with (also my answer to your previous question, asked multiple times, of "What do I do if there is no OM?")
3. I will be there at Christmas-do I buy W a small gift? Wish her Merry C? She didn't call me on Tgiving, so I am thinking NO.
I think this also depends on what the PI comes back with. I gave my wife nothing from me, but small, practical gifts from the kids (Starbucks gift card, etc.), and a Shoebox card with just my first name written in it (I normally would get her a romantic card, with a long handwritten special note in it).
4. If the idea is to be a strong, confident Alpha male, looking good, smelling good, not over reacting to anything she says or does - how do I pull that off without looking like I am faking it? I know NOTHING about fashion etc. I have the means to buy new clothes-she is used to me in Harley T-shirts, and jeans. What do I buy-LADIES??? Go to a good department store (like Nordstrom's) or men's store known for their service, and let a salesperson -- pref. female -- help you out. Sounds like this is an area where it wouldn't take much to make an impression!
5. What do I do, if she just locks me out of the M bedroom? We have locks on the doors. Do I just accept that, or get the key and open the door and go in?
The latter.
I have more questions, and will post them soon. Thank you all for your help-I am a better man because of all of you.
Be different and dress differently than you normally do. I don't mean a whole new style - your style is your style. But the polish - spiff it up some. New underwear, too. Not that you'll be modeling that for her...but they'll be around and she'll notice. Sure would make me wonder - why does he have new boxers??? When you go out, even if it's just to take the boys to the mall - whatever - look good. Don't just throw on anything and head out. Put yourself together first. Not for HER ..... for YOU! B/c that's how your roll now.