Trying LRT - Please Help!

[motherof3]

I feel like I just sealed the fate of my marriage and I am a mix of emotions right now and yet somehow at peace. Is that even possible?

What you are about to read may come across as a R talk with H. And in some cases I probably did cross the line. I don't need any 2x4's right now. I just need to know that I am going to be okay. And typing this out helps put the whole sitch in perspective for me.

Today I reqeusted a meeting with H, telling him I only needed five minutes of his time.

I started by asking him why he agreed to a four month "controlled separation". He response was "because you asked me to."

I told him that I didn't need that security blanket anymore and wanted to terminate the controlled separation agreement that we had made. (If that is the only thing stopping him from a D, then what's the point?)

I made it clear that I didn't want a divorce, but that I didn't want our old marriage back either. I told him that I want to work on our R to see where it takes us.

He said that his feelings haven't changed and that he still wants a D. I replied with, if that is how you feel, than I will not stand in your way. He asked if I would consider mediation and I said that I would be willing to listen.

Being unhappy is the reason he gave for leaving me. At the time he moved out, H said that he didn't like the person he had become. So I asked him if he was happy now. He said no. Pardon my French, but WTF? He continued to give me a list of everything that had gone wrong for him lately, including but not limited to, work, car repairs, money issues, virus on the home computer, family pet died, etc. I just sat there intently and listened. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, and don't you think it would be easier to get through all of this together you big IDIOT.

I also told H that I would not be comfortable telling the kids anything but the truth. As currently, they all believe that the decision for daddy to move out of the house was made jointly by H and myself. (This tactic was recommended to us by our MC at the time.) I let H know that in the event of a divorce, the kids would know the truth of the how's and why's. H said that he understood.

Before I left, I took out a copy of MWD's article, 'For the Sake of the Kids' and asked him to read it. He said that he would. Don't know if he really will.

Then I walked out the door and never looked back. I did all of this without shedding a tear, although at times, I thought H might. I held my head high.

And now I am grieving for H and for the what could have been and probably won't be. It is so strange because I also feel relieved. Almost like a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I just can't explain it.