Thanks for all the well wishes.I was out for a while with friends and didn't get the chance to reply.
I am thanking God that I made it through and that I could draw on his strength. That although my dreams appear to have ended in a way I did not want, HE still has a bigger dream for me than I could ever have for myself. And so I wait on Him and His timing.
I don't feel that I was particularly strong or that it was well done. I just did what I needed to do. My voice wasn't always strong during the conversation but mostly.
How do I feel now? Better and worse. Not fearful but somewhat sad. But I have had a year of ups and downs and I need some stability now.
I feel sad because I don't want to quit on my M but it really does take two at some point. My H is so closed up and distant that I am just exhausted by it all. I need oxygen. It was only when I went on holiday with friends earlier this year that I realized how few words are spoken in this house. It is taxing.And yet I would have endured that but the blatant disrespect I could not endure.
I was always hopeful that things would improve. Always optimistic.
I trust God. I have only ever loved my H but I will not be disrespected in this manner. Oh, to be sure I helped get us where we are and I have not always met his needs. But any pain I inficted was done unknowingly.
This is one battle that is beyond me. Perhaps I have held on to this M too tightly and I just need to hold on to God and what He will unfold in my life. Ultimately M belongs to him and He knows I have tried. So it is truly over to Him now. I have done what I felt He asked of me and that is all that I can do. I am proud of that.
I have also done some things I am not proud of and that is why I feel that this is an unhealthy sitch for me. This has brought out the best and the worst in me and behavior that has not always been attractive. I have apologized for that to H like I felt a woman should.
I have to concentrate on me and my best interests now. My H will have to live with his conscience over his behavior and make his peace. All the rest is in God's hands.
H and I will of necessity have to share a house for a while so my immediate game plan is to develop a thriving mechanism which will enable me to live my best life at this time. I will not be beaten down and I will not live a small life. The rest of 2009 is my time to shine and 2010 is all about realizing goals I had put on hold.
