Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in a week or so. I learned last week that my W had an appraiser visit the house. A fried of mine was jogging past our house when he noticed this person. He called me up on November 4 to let me know. I casually brought it up with my W last night that a friend of mine saw a person checking out our house. After dancing around the topic my W finally admitted to this fact. I was playing it very cool the whole time we were discussing this. We actually went on to have a decent conversation about the kids and work afterwards. My W seemed to be lingering around me to talk...even though she was very ill with the flu. Not sure what to make of it.

My W is also still house hunting. Not sure what to make of it or what to do as well. We missed Retrouvaille last week due to my W being out of town on business. I'm not sure if were going to the post session this Sunday. I'm trying to play it all cool.

I have been taking my DB's advice...backing off and not pressuring. Although this has worked from the perspective that my W appears comfortable around me and is talking nicely with me...she's still seems to be progressing at creating a new life for herself.

Any advice or words of encouragement from the peanut gallery? I could really use some help tonight.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Hey man.

Thanks for the post over on my thread.

Advice. Well, how are you feeling? I hear pain in your post. Worry? Sadness? All over something over which you have no control.

Take a look at some of the posts the last few days on my thread, especially those from Coach. They really make sense. And, the best part is, they have gotten me to a very peaceful place. Not unemotional, but a place of strength and calm.

Take a look at the concept of cognitive dissonance (wikipedia's got a great summation). Really think about it. It will help you understand what your W is thinking and, more importantly, what and why you are thinking and feeling the way you are. BIG concept for me. And a turning point, I think. I learned how to stop my negative emotions by simply changing what I was thinking.

Really examine where your focus is right now. It sounds like it is squarely on your W's actions. Dangerous. Setting you up for a fall.

Letting go may not be easy, but it is liberating. And it allows you to act the way you should (you know, the I'm already dead approach).

Trite as it is around here, focus your effort and energy on you and your kids.

[Looking_For_Help]

I haven't posted here in a while. I have very bad news to report. My W is moving full steam ahead with the divorce. She had a property appraisor at the house a few weeks ago and is currently working with a realtor in search of a new home. She is also consolidating all of our bank accounts in a single one.

She said to me that Retrouvaille was nothing but a means to improve our communication for post-divorce co-parenting. Our communication has definitely improved. She also said that there is "too much water under the bridge" to remain married. It is officially over. She said "she's completely done."

She wants to go to a mediator to amicably end our marriage. The kicker for me is that she wants me to have dinner at her soon to be new home twice a week. She wants to be friends after our divorce.

I'm currently very angry at myself. I feel like a fool for hoping to save my marriage during the last eight months only to learn that my W never ever thought the same way. During the last few weeks I definetly saw an improvement in our relationship. I really thought there was hope for us. Oh boy do I feel stupid. It's now time for me to file for the divorce and begin the next chapter of my life.

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

I was just wondering about your sitch this morning. I'm really sorry your M isn't where you would like it to be. But, you have nothing to feel stupid or ashamed about. You gave all you had. Can she say that?

So, where do you go from here? And I'm not talking about filing for D. But, what do you need to do for you?

And as far as dinner, listen to what you posted: SHE wants you to have dinner at her place. Your choice, but my vote is no thanks. I got plenty of friends. Consequences man. Let her feel them.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks GIMA for your support!

I'm not sure where I go from here. I certainly do not want to remain married to this woman, but I cry at the thought of sharing custody of my two beautiful children. I suggested professional counseling, but she wants no part of it. One part of me want to file Monday morning while the other part of me just wants to stall all of this. At the end of the day, my W is long gone...there's no use anymore...I know it...I give up trying to save this marriage. I'm the type of person that prefers to "rip off the bandaid with one quick motion" if you know what I mean.

I have gone through the last eight months with dignity and honor. One very close friend of mine (mother-like figure to me)stated to me that she's very proud of how I handled all of this...I'm a better and stronger man for it. God has been working me over pretty hard these last eight months, but he as something very nice in store for me in the future...or atleast that's what my friends says to me.

Thanks...LFH

[Lotus]

LFH,

Don't feel stupid. She was keeping you in the dark until she was ready to spring the whole thing on you. Not very nice, but things are what they are. I hope your friends are right. You will pull out of this and find someone you can trust again.

[ClingingToHope]

One part of me want to file Monday morning while the other part of me just wants to stall all of this. At the end of the day, my W is long gone...there's no use anymore...I know it...I give up trying to save this marriage. I'm the type of person that prefers to "rip off the bandaid with one quick motion" if you know what I mean.

I'm having all kinds of problems with this as well. My W is the one who wants out of the M so she should file. But I've been out of the house 6 1/2 months, she said a month ago she'd be "filing soon" and I haven't seen any paperwork.

Others on the board have told me that if the WAW is the one who wants the D then she should have to do all the work. Of course, that may leave you in limboland. Then you have to ask yourself are you really done?

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks Lotus and ClingingToHope.

The kicker in all of this is that the communication between my W and I is at its best year-to-date. We seem to get along just fine...not perfect...but pretty decent. I have seen improvements in our relationship since Retrouvaille.

My golfing buddy asked how I was handling all of this...I said that I feel melancholy and defeated. Today has been a downer of a day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Thanks,
LFH

[Gardener]

Looking,

She is also consolidating all of our bank accounts in a single one.

This at a time when you should be doing the exact opposite, imo? Don't you have any say in this?[/quote]

She also said that there is "too much water under the bridge" to remain married.

Funny, mine said that there was "too much water over the dam." Which is it? And is there a difference?

I'm currently very angry at myself. I feel like a fool for hoping to save my marriage during the last eight months only to learn that my W never ever thought the same way. During the last few weeks I definetly saw an improvement in our relationship. I really thought there was hope for us. Oh boy do I feel stupid. It's now time for me to file for the divorce and begin the next chapter of my life.

I was lead down the same garden path (no pun...) I fail to see in your sitch - and refused to believe in mine - that acting decently, making a balls-out effort in good faith, fighting for your marriage, standing tall and being noble in the face of overwhelming odds, and doing your best should result in any thinking along the lines of, "very angry at myself," "I feel like a fool for hoping to save my marriage," "Oh boy do I feel stupid," etc.

Feel duped, grieve, get p!ssed, be deeply disappointed, etc., but look in that mirror and say, "You should be proud."

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks Gardener!

I think my W is intoxicated with power right now and throughout much of our eight-month separation. Also, I'm really starting to believe that my concerns of an EA/PA back in May/June were correct. It is what it is. I can't wait to start dating...my beautiful hairdresser friend has been excited about fixing me up with her single girlfriends for a while now. She told me that I should have dumped my W many months ago...she was correct. My W and I are both responsible for the demise of our marriage, but I've been taking the majority of the blame. I'm a great catch even though my W wouldn't agree. Like you said...I'll grieve, cry, get pissed, and be disappointed...but I'm going to get my MOJO back and rebuild my life.

Thanks...LFH