Saw a great New Yorker cartoon that reminded me of you.
A man and woman are sitting at a restaurant and the woman leans in close to the man and says, " Would it be all right if I still called every once in a while, just to y'know, just scream at you?"
Saw a great New Yorker cartoon that reminded me of you.
A man and woman are sitting at a restaurant and the woman leans in close to the man and says, " Would it be all right if I still called every once in a while, just to y'know, just scream at you?"
Lotus is hereby presented with the coveted Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Unless of course you take the big bucks job in far enough away place that the kids would either have to move with you (didn't hear that mentioned)
Afghanistan's not exactly child-friendly. And the school district stinks.
'blah blah blah.. mommy says it's none of your business, dad.'
I think you miss the point there. I pick them up, "So how was your weekend?" and Girl Child instantly goes to the "we have to hide something" mode. That strikes me as unhealthy. I could pick them up in silence, I suppose.
mommy is kind of in love with a guy...' Well geez.. waxing poetic for the kiddies. Still none of your business. In a perfect world mom wouldn't share that type of information with the kids.
At what point does it become "my business," @Gypsy? If she f*cks him in the living room during Barney -- is THAT my business?
Then again, what do the kids know of your special interest?
Her name, what she looks like, the fact that she lives in European City, the fact that I'm going there on Thursday.... But nothing "male-female."
What in the heck are both of you doing going gaga over other folks in the midst of a divorce..I'm finding me again
Me? I'm not gaga. But I've got more of the right stuff in four meetings over the past 3 months than I did in the last 5 years of marriage combined. No self-finding involved. Of course, no self-abuse either, so....
What type of security...threatening to move
Not "threatening." Man offers you 1-1/2 large to do a job you know you can do, for something you believe in -- that's not about threatening. If, as is the case, the money is All Important to WAW -- indeed, was the focal point of pre-D-bomb discussions with her posse and the subject of her first post-D-bomb e-mail -- then I can't very well NOT engage the offer, can I? Particularly when the Vocational Counselor her attorney is demanding "assess" my "possibilities" will surely find out about it.
Consider dropping the fancy wrapping, the honeyed tone, the twist of the knife, the twinkle of wit.. and process what's going on.
Not much to process, really. Gal walks up to a fella coming out of the Chamber of Solitude and says after 18 years of marriage, "I'm getting a divorce." She's spreading her legs for someone else; buying a house; declaring her happiness is the Ne Plus Ultra, beyond that of the children and certainly beyond that of Spouse Himself; oh and by the way I expect you to go your way with my thanks and some lovely parting gifts but put that alimony idea out of your head.
And that's just the first day. Six weeks later the paperwork is available to the public on the court's website, and it's off to the races.
So without tone, wit, and knife, what do I have? Ten pounds of nothing in a 5-pound bag.
But I did have to reach out to her this evening. Themselves are doing much worse with the onset of the holidays, and something's bound to break. I told her that my POV is we have to find some way of ratcheting down the aggregate level of tension at least until the paperwork is final, particularly since we're entering the money phase of discovery and that's going to ratchet up the tension by an order of magnitude.
At a minimum (I said) we should consult with someone -- and I'm indifferent between life coach, psychologist, family therapist, priest, bartender -- on skills for sublimating and masking and hiding our mutual loathing. They need a facade of amity.
I can see them losing their poker faces. The empty chair at the table was really empty, especially for The Boy. She didn't call until late on Thanksgiving -- managing time zone differences was always hard for her -- and The Boy was by the time of call getting very spun up: Where is she? Is she having turkey? What if there's no cranberries?
If we'd been childless, at this point it wouldn't make much difference if she lived or died -- at the end of the day it would all be Mox Nix to me, but there's no pony waiting under the Christmas tree this year, and Themselves certainly need her, which means I'm going to have to cope with the fact of her.
So without tone, wit, and knife, what do I have? Ten pounds of nothing in a 5-pound bag.
.. and vulnerability, the opportunity to write from the heart, not be distracted by packaging.
Being perceptive about your children's needs is being a good father. Reaching out to their mother for their well being is a good thing. Divorce is between the adults. Co-parenting is the duty of the mother and father.
Going for counseling, direction, coaching in that regard is a very good thing whether it's solo or tandem. How the two of you act toward each other teaches the children conflict resolution. And what you do individually makes you a role model. Little things when referring to her, is she "Mommy" or "your Mommy". "Your Mommy" carries an edge, the same way the kids describing "our house" and "yours" does to you.
Reassure your kids about their mom with love and laughter. You don't have to love the woman to honor their mom because that is what she is and will always be. I often bemoan how little my kids' dad spends with them. Now I accept (when I remember to) that he loves them to the best of his ability, that he would never do them harm even if he does not treat them in a way I feel is appropriate.
Let the kids come to you. Be "Switzerland" when it comes to their mother, drop the rope of animosity, paranoia and anxiety. She loves them, she would not knowingly hurt them. Continue being the safe place. And be happy that she is a part of their life. Children need both parents.
Keep looking at the big picture. And thanks, George.
*hugs*
PS.. Smoking again? Sheesh.. you've got to be kidding me... WHACK!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Fill that empty chair at the table with compassion. Fake it at this point if you need to but do what must be done. "Themselves" need you.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hey SP, are you in counseling for yourself? It seems that you reeaally want us all to understand how bad it is, how f*cked over you feel, how WAW is f*cking with your kids, how you are now being driven to the point of consciously taking up a habit that you gave up so many moons ago and is detrimental to your health.
There's no shame in getting help, it really seems that there are elements that are taking pieces out of you. That's normal and part of why divorce sucks. It is also normal to get help when so much of your life and well-being are affected by circumstances beyond your control. I think sometimes the smartest, most analytical are the one's to take the biggest hit by the lack of perceived control in these sitches. There's no logic, no fixing it...
I think you're all taking the smokes thing a bit too seriously.
As a serious issue, it's true -- I've had smokes-cravings in times of stress for over 20 years -- but in this instance I'm merely using it as a narrative device; I'm sure that if I actually fired up a butt I'd find it rather distasteful. I've seen research that says it works on the same principal as deep-breathing exercises -- it's the long drag on the nicotine-delivery-system that produces the calming effect and combines with the stimulation you get from the nick. But it's like being an "ex-alcoholic" -- no such thing; once a smoker, always a smoker, whether or not you're puffing away.
