Gyps...as scary as the nightmares are, they are a way of our subconscious doing some of the work we need to do. You will remember when you are meant to remember, when you are strong enough to process it. It is another step in healing, I think. (((((((hugs))))))))
Sounds like the beginning of a good sureal movie or book (now I'm in the mood to see Pan's Labrynth). Seriously though I sometimes feel like sleep is a real effort for me too. There's just a lot going on up there and I wake up nearly exhausted from so much effort. Last few weeks have been better. Seems like this stuff comes in waves and it's calm seas right now. May you have calm seas too.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Are you writing them down as you awaken or as they awaken you? Or is this from your memory of dream later on in the morning or day? If the former, keep doing it. If the latter, start writing them as soon as you awaken before you start to lose bits and details.
That is, of course, if you're interested in exploring it more. If not, scratch everything I just said.
"Little chinks chunking from the armored fortress," indeed.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
If you have other reason to believe that your father molested you, then your dream may have something to do with that. I don't know if you've discussed that before.
But, assuming otherwise, I wouldn't spin your wheels too much about the dream or worry about what your father may have done to you. What happens in incest? A significant male figure in your life that you love and should be able to trust violates that love and violates that trust. He betrays you, uses you, abuses you, hurts you beyond measure when you are very vulnerable. You are powerless to stop him, what you want doesn't matter, he continues to hurt you.
The symbolic interpretation here is blatantly obvious for pretty much any LBW shattered by the actions of her WAH. So, unless you have other concerns about being molested, my guess is that your dream is about your current trauma and pain.
I loved your summary of what happens in incest. Although I knew each one individually, the whole group rarely coalesced.
I think the dreams are coming because my sister, who was often abused with me, is getting counseling. For the first time in decades we are able to just talk about what how it was growing up. She know remembers our dad telling her that if she told it would destroy our family and it would be her fault. She was eight and stayed silent. Our dad told me the same thing. I told everyone I could, but no one believed me.. not even my family. Our conversations are not centered around the actions of our father, but being able to just talk, knowing that we are both safe for each other.
It's something I've alerted my counselor to.. but we've agreed to letting the stuff come up, acknowledge it and keep trying to clear my plate of the current crap before going taking that on.
So sorry to hear about you and your sister. Very, very sad. I'd think that for the same reasons an incest dream might be about a WAH, having a WAH is going to trigger a lot of memories and bring up a lot of pain about the old stuff. Take good care.
I spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws. We still view each other as such. Bill wasn't there, I don't know if he was invited or not. My sister-in-law said that he would be the one least missed.
Most years we celebrated as a whole family, the kids are all close friends, we always wanted the 'cousins' to be close, to have each other in life. I thanked my sis-in-law for having me. She said I was family. As she talked about the possibility of her brother (my former spouse) contacting her in the future, I later thought.. If that guy only spends an hour infrequently with his kids, his own flesh and blood, what would draw him to be closer to his siblings?
In my time with him, I helped him create a relationship with his brother, maintain relationships with his parents and siblings, be involved with our children. All good things.
Now he's on his own and taking direction from a new emotional confidant. I accept that he loves the kids to the best of his ability, that he did the same with me.
I guess I'm saying that I'm seeing him more for who he is in the present, than in the past. Not bad, just him. Ah well. But aren't I a cute chimichanga!
*hugs*
Oh yes.. and I still flip out over interactions with men if it's anymore than a guy would do with a nun. Bad habit.. huh?
The hardest time was a week after my former spouse moved out and my dad was near death. Holy crap, the two most significant male relationships in my life ending in betrayal and both potentially gone.
I know lots of women and men who continuously talk about their divorce like it happened yesterday while it's been over a decade and they're remarried. I realized I already knew what it was like to live a life of anger and bitterness (even though I'd chipped away at it) because of my dad and didn't want that on a go forward basis. My goal was to let go of the past with my dad so I could move forward with less baggage and live a life of joy.
About 6 months later I had a pretty ordinary conversation with my dad but it was different. After he provided a few openings about 'our history' I told him my goal and said how the actions of the past effected every relationship I have. He listened and then we went on to another topic. Twenty minutes after our conversation was over, I felt something 'poof'.. and realized I'd been given the gift of forgiveness. My dad died seven months later but we'd developed a relationship. It took my husband leaving for me to get my father back.
So, each has its interactions. The more of the crap I pull away, the more I learn how to live in a healthy way.
So yeah.. I'm still feel anger at times toward my former spouse, but if I wallow, that's me hurting me. I guess I like to think that the more I let go of, the more I can let go.
