Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Was having a strangely down day. It's the whole "what will W do tonight" thing? I know her two-time divorcee friend has invited to see some bands tonight.

Had girls at the Y and gave myself a good talking to. I keep focusing on only being separated six months. Really, she divorced me mentally three years ago.

Things were going great at the end of 2006 -- best month of S since we were newlyweds, we'd had our 10-year anniversary, money was good. Then, beginning in January the physical affection just stopped. We had S about 15 times over the next three years.

I did everything wrong to try to turn things around -- petulance, romance, begging. So at the Y I was telling myself that the last three years really have been awful. Being married to someone who really wanted nothing to do with me was a day-to-day heartache.

Really, I'm in a better place today. Limboland is hard, but I'm no longer walking on eggshells every day. The only way it was going to improve was for us to separate so she can see what she's missing -- and decide if she wants it back.

Another thing weighing on my mind today was having the kids and not having a bunch of things planned. I don't want to be a Disneyland dad, but I also have to get better at just chilling at home with them. Even if we D and I do better in the settlement than I'm doing in limboland, I won't be able to spend big bucks every weekend on them. I have to heal my finances over the next year.

I never really wanted to be a single dad. I know I can handle this, but it's going to be hard on these girls. And I will meet someone again and that will be awkward. Life is going to just get more and more difficult.