He wants to come home....HELP!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[quote]How can I keep the strong, confident me while rebuilding my marriage? Any tips?/quote]

Do you understand why this is important to a man?

As much as us men want to provide, lead, fix and love our women. We also want a confident, strong, loving, good-looking, interested, and wise partner. A man worries much more than he will ever tell his wife and if he sees his wife, scared, worried, insecure and needy that just gives us a whole HUGE dose of more responsibilities to tend to. A wife wants to hear about his worries but it won't happen in this dynamic. He can only open up and love you better if you are able to handle it. We want our wives as equals. That is the see-saw analogy in the book. We want balance in our marriage.

The next step is to be strong, wise and confident on your own. This allows your spouse to grow and complement you. This is differentiation. Two independent people growing, loving, feeling, and moving together but not dependent on each other.

As we say in Wisconsin, "You betcha!"

Great post, Coach -- and Happy Thanksgiving!



Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

Just some rambling here....

We had a good Thanksgiving together. I was happy and out-going. I showed him affection and spent time with family. He seemed slightly distant for part of the day but was in a good mood.

I was going to 'flex' off from work today (I am an RN and our patient load is low right now) but it just feels odd to be home, so I came on in. I am off all weekend so we will get a couple of days together. We are putting up the Christmas tree Saturday and a photog friend is coming to the house Sunday to take our Christmas pictures. He asked if he could be in them. I asked if he would be home for Christmas LOL!

He is being loving towards me...physically that is....but it seems slightly reluctant. Maybe I am reading too much into it. I probably am. I am trying to be more affectionate towards him as a relationship 180. Towards the end we were like two people passing each other as we went. He said I should do what makes me happy and kissing him goodbye/hello/goodnight/just because makes me happy. He said today that it was a good change.

He is a different person now. In just 5 weeks I have become married to a new man. I don't know if I like this new person, but change takes time. Nothing is a guarantee right now and I am not looking for that anyway. He is home and we are trying.

I love him, and now I have to learn to love the changed him. It feels thick in the house at times. I think getting the kids back on schedule...and making that an earlier schedule...will help. It is just going to take time to re acclimate ourselves to living together again. I am surprised at how quickly something like that can change.

[praying_in_GA]

Just to add to the tiny amounts of pain I feel daily, the cell phone bill came. On it is the early termination fee from H changing his carrier 2.5 weeks ago. I told him he could avoid the fee and switch back to our family plan. He said he likes his new plan and phone plus it is cheaper. Yea, ok, I got it.

[Lll54]

Sounds like things are going okay! I think you definitely need to learn his changes he's made but you've made changes too that he needs to learn. Its all about throwing that old marriage away and building a new one. It will be fun, exciting and challenging! But I am rooting for you. Good luck with the NEW sitch!

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks Britt.

Well, my turn to be petty. H signed up for facebook today. He never wanted one before but his brother signed him up. He put his relationship as "Its complicated". Mine says married. It hurts, ya know. I consider us married and I thought he agreed to that when he moved back in. Guess not.

[praying_in_GA]

So, he has been home 5 days now. Some days are great, we are happy and affectionate. Some days make me sad, he is distant and does not initiate any contact at all. He said he still has a lot to think about. It seems (to me, and I am not a mind reader! LOL!) that he is in the same boat as I am. We just don't know how to act around each other now. I want to show him love and attention so he knows how good life can be here at home, but the DR side of me says not to do that. He says he is still confused about his feelings and where we are going. I told him that when I said he could come home I included that he should remember we are married and trying to work things out or I didn't want him here. He said he knows, but he doesn't want to lead me on thinking things are great when they are still so rocky.

He is in the spare room for now. I have both kids in my room. I am working on getting the oldest out of my bed then I will move to the younger one. It is hard to have time together with these two munchins running around. We did things all wrong with them. They need one of us to go to bed with them and it takes at least 15-20 min to get them to fall asleep. They both sleep in the master bed. They also don't go to bed until 10pm. I have to get them in their own beds/rooms and to bed earlier or we have no chance at fixing anything.

He asked me out to dinner and a movie next week. I am looking forward to it, but seeing how we live around each other I am wondering how we are going to interact alone for a few hours. I don't know if I should be loving, attentive, and affectionate aka acting 'as if' OR if I should be following some of the DR principles.

It was so much easier when he was gone! LOL! At least then I knew how to portray myself! I am wondering if I let emotions get the best of me and let him home too soon.

If anyone has an advice, I am all ears (or would that be eyes?)!

[praying_in_GA]

Well, he told me last night "I have my head so far up my own ass that I am not thinking about you or our marriage. I want to make myself happy and until I do that I can't focus on the marriage like you want me to." Then he told me he would not leave the house again, that he would be fine co-habitating if we choose to separate again or get a D. He said if I am uncomfortable then I can leave. I swear, he is so lost. He has a different thing in his head every day. He also said he was coming home no matter what I said, he just asked to be polite.

He said he doesn't know if he finds me attractive, but I am pretty. Gee, thanks. I really think he is going through something bigger than he realizes. He said he is thinking of going to talk to someone individually. I told him that might help, but to watch out because some therapists are not marriage friendly and might suggest a D right off the bat.

So, all in all I am back where I started only he lives here now. I think I am just going to start DRing again no matter where he is or what he is doing. My life is my life and I am here with my kids.

[SDFoundGirl]

You need to DR for the rest of your life. It's a life strategy, and it's important for healthy marriages too.

SD

[praying_in_GA]

Very true SD. Very true.

It's hard to know he isn't attracted to me, but I know some of it is my attitude towards myself.

Oh well, I got off track and now it is time to get going again.

[brownidmom]

Very true SD. Very true.

It's hard to know he isn't attracted to me, but I know some of it is my attitude towards myself.

Oh well, I got off track and now it is time to get going again.

PiGA, remember that the wise ones on this board always remind us to believe none of what we hear and only half of what we see.

Go on about your life as you did when he wasn't at home. It won't be long before his tune changes. And even if it doesn't, you have admitted you felt more at peace when you were busy and GALing, so keep doing it!

As Coach always says, "You can handle it."

bim