Cyrena, the emotional needs I'm meeting is being together as a family for my kids, and also having my wife as a friend and as a good consultant in my field of work (we're both professionals in the same area). That's a lot to let go of and rebuild with someone else just to have a good sex life. But that answers the question.
I do find it curious that the general advice people normally give is that sex isn't everything. But if there's no sex, people assume your marriage must be a sham, and what could you possibly be getting out of the marriage, as if there's nothing but sex? What dysfunctional codepedency is going on? Kind of amusing contrast in attitudes. I understand the reasoning, but I'm still amused by the poetic contrast.
DanceQueen, your assumptions would correctly apply to many sexless marriages. But in my case, considering the effort we've already been through, and I don't blame you for saying it, and I might also be wrong. But I think it's trivializing the problem to be the typical "husband is unfaithful". Now the fallout from the original problem has become the "real" problem, replacing the original problem. My wife and I have been on that merry-go-round for years in various therapy setting. The issues are mine, and only mine, and I accept that, and we work on it. And eventually they are resolved. And then the therapy focuses on my wife, and finally gets to her sexual issues, and then she says she feels very stressed and terminates therapy.
So, sure we could talk about what I do for years and years, and it's one more trip around the block to run down the clock, all during which, of course, it would be expected that my wife should not engage in any sex until my issues are resolved. And this takes months. And, then when they're resolved, her issue is stress, or an issue with the therapist and their methods, or how much it's all costing, or how much time it's taking from her busy schedule.
I think you're modeling my wife as the typical cheated-on wife, and that is not going to help you solve the problem. She buys me Playboy calendars for Christmas and she doesn't mind me going to strip clubs. That is a thoughtful touch on her part, but I can also see that it helps take the "pressure" off of her. But it also makes me wish she were more jealous for my sexual attention. Does that sound like someone who is upset that I might show interest in other women?
I don't claim that anything I'm doing now is an effective solution. It's only a way for me to cope with the situation.
Cinco, I agree with you, and I've been aware of those thoughts for a long time. I'm not fooling myself, I know darn well that I'm at Schnarch's level 2. I know I'm missing a lot. But on the other hand, I love sex and level 2 is still pretty damn fun. Part of it is that the level, variety, and frequency of sex in my marriage has been so meager that I'm basically at the late-teen stage of sexual "coming out" and exploration. Experiencing a woman responding physically is an absolutely new thing for me. Certain sexual positions are totally new for me. Having a woman wanting me to touch her breasts or her genitals, or even me permitting to do so, is TOTALLY NEW for me -- never experienced that in my life. So when you understand that, it's kind of "up in the clouds" to be talking about my need for soul-searching unions and blissful spiritual sex, etc. I'm quite happy to be operating at level 2 for a while until I get the hang of things. I'll let you know when that gets boring and I'm ready to move on to the higher levels!
