Me: 37 H: 43 S: 5 Married: '02 1st MC: 11/07 Bomb: 12/07 Reconciled: 04/08 04/09 "More space" 08/09 2nd Bomb 11/09 Wants sep. lives, same home 11/20/09 In MC to "negotiate co-parenting,co-living"
2 years, huh?
Originally Posted By: Heather
There are pluses to staying in the home. On both sides. I was planning on starting a masters in January, was hoping to stay home while Son is in school for at least another year... Full time at home parenting is important to me. I understand that kids are flexible and thrive in all sorts of environments, but this is something I feel strongly about.
how much have you read about walk away wives on this site so far?
Test him how? Demanding he move out and we sell home? By starting to date? By filing for divorce?
I have read the midlife crisis advice that advises against demanding they leave? And it's possible to recover from an affair but not from a run to the basement? I'm confused by what seems like conflicting advice.
I am feeling like this relationship is over (duh) and a mediated settlement and a new life dating appeals to me.... A relationship with a non-passive aggressive man would be swell. H is basically giving me an out. I never wanted to divorce, but this feels like Pauline Priviledge to me...
But, yeah, I'm working things through out loud. I didn't even realize this had been going on so long until I wrote it out.
We're in weekly MC right now. C supports both of us, but is reminding H that this is forever. Mentioned last session that it's too bad we hadn't started negotiating sooner...
Considered the possibility of him being gay because he's been rejecting me sexually for so long. He's also kind of a "soft" guy. No offense to gays, who can be as hard or as soft as he wants.
Me: 37 H: 43 S: 5 Married: '02 1st MC: 11/07 Bomb: 12/07 Reconciled: 04/08 04/09 "More space" 08/09 2nd Bomb 11/09 Wants sep. lives, same home 11/20/09 In MC to "negotiate co-parenting,co-living"
yup, that's what I'm thinking: either gay or he has some other woman (man) on the side and she hasn't found out yet.
Let's test the living arrangement thing he proposed.
Heather if you guys haven't been physically intimate with him for a long time, tell him with this living arrangement, is he ok with you bringing another man home on certain evenings and him taking the kids out while you have someone "over".
Just tell him you're a healthy woman and you have physical needs and that if he can't be with you physically/sexually like a normal husband and just wants to share a home, you won't live a sexless life in your own home for the rest of your life. You want to have sex in your own bed in your own home where you are comfortable. You don't want to have to go out to a hotel as if you're having an affair, you want to enjoy having sex with an attractive, masculine, male partner in your own bed.
Say it with a straight face and gauge his response.
Seriously if the guy doesn't give a crap about you wanting to have sex with other men and you're thinking about it, there is nothing much left to hold on to here.
It's your choice to stay married to him for the rest of your life in a sexless, loveless marriage but I'm sure you can't hold out that long.
He just asked me to share a meal with him after Son goes to bed. First time in six months! What the hell?
After the meal tell him you're horny - see what his response is. Offer him something, take care of him, hot oil massage, dim to no lights, candles lit, lock the bedroom door, put on the production, seriously I want to know if he can actually say NO to this and if he says NO, ask him if ever has those feelings.
If he says no, follow it up with my post above, you'll get your answers soon enough.
One of his complaints is that sex had to be the way I wanted it. This never made sense to me, because I was open to lots of things and wanted him to enjoy it, but our MC believed H was intimidated by me. I was *very* open about what I liked.
H's resistance was never clearly stated - he's not good about saying what's in his mind, and he is by nature a people pleaser - , but often he didn't climax, or he would just be extremely passive and uninvolved. Very confusing for me. Tried to be understanding, but I think I was probably just pushy.
So, NOT being sexually aggressive is a 180 for me.
Me: 37 H: 43 S: 5 Married: '02 1st MC: 11/07 Bomb: 12/07 Reconciled: 04/08 04/09 "More space" 08/09 2nd Bomb 11/09 Wants sep. lives, same home 11/20/09 In MC to "negotiate co-parenting,co-living"
jeez. you like sex. good for you. it means you are ALIVE.
180 the things like letting him walk all over you. like passively watching your marriage and life go down the tubes. like sitting at home doing nothing. dont 180 your sexual appetite. you 69 that.
you didnt ask me, but i say starting testing him now. you have waited 2 years already. start kicking butt.
I suggest create the illusion that you have moved on with your life. (if you are financially strapped sure sell the house before it goes into foreclosure) but otherwise stay and just treat him like a gay friend and let him see first hand that you are moving on and upward and you are going out with who knows who and who knows where. and you are smiling and he dont know why.
you are the leading role in the film, 'heather's new life' and you can write the script as you please. date if you want. dont if you dont want to. that is completely up to you, not us, not your husband. just create this part that makes him realize what he is missing. then give him the BOMB. I'm not in love with you anymore. he will be on this site asking advice, telling us he ignored his wife, didnt meet her needs, now she is gone, how do i get her back.
