Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Greek]

Do WAS ever come back? Are there success stories? I think I am still in denial that this is happening, gotta get past that, and accept the fact that, right now, she doesn't want anything to do with me. That hurts, more than anything else. I have always been there for her, I always took care of her, and now she decides to discard me like so much trash... It is so cruel...

Yes. Sometimes a WAS comes back. I did. There are two parts to your situation that you must balance. #1 Lay down the boundaries for acceptable behavior. That's really what most of us have been corresponding with you about - and I think you get that part.

It is necessary to have the boundaries so the two of you can begin digging in the relationship dirt. That's #2. That's the part where you LISTEN to her - even though she'll be screaming most of it but you listen finally to what I would bet she has been signaling to you over the years. Can't say that I know why men leave, but I can tell you that for the most part, WOMEN don't walk away from a solid connection with a man who is meeting HER needs (not what he THINKS her needs are or ought to be).

Folks like Coach, Sandi 2 and Kettricken, Dia, and sometimes me ~~~ we can help you fine tune your hearing so you will KNOW why she is walking. Some of it's her. And some of it's you. Read "Thinker" and "Giving It My All", too. They are still fighting their way out but wow - they have learned how to listen and be compassionate to their wives. They get it.

I read what you wrote about how you've given her so much and done so much for her (tea, BMW, nice house...). You're a good man. But those things, while nice, may not be what she NEEDS. And y'all need to get to that point of understanding. And hey - no doubt your needs aren't being met, either. That's the kind of dirt y'all will be digging in.

And this takes Time. First is to deal with the A - if there is one. But begin doing your homework - reflect back on the R - what are some of the things you KNOW you've heard over and over again from her? That's a start to knowing why she is walking away.

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it depends on what time she's staying out until, Bridge; that's why I asked him. My sons are 13 and 16, and we feel fine staying out until 12:30am or so, but they know where we are and how to reach us if they need be. 12 and 15, with everything else they're going thru, might be a smidge young if she's staying out until 2am, and it's definitely inappropriate if it's later than that, IMHO.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Ok, yes, i would feel ok with them staying home if her and I went out, just not that late. 4-5 hours I think is the limit. She has indicated in the past that I smothered her, didn't give her space. I can agree on this. Also, she wanted to go out dancing, dinner, all the things husbands are supposed to do, but i didn't listen. I was worried that my Soldiers would see me out, and well, that's why. I have also been away due to deployments for 6 of the 14 years together. That isn't all at once, but over the course of 14 years. She has also indicated that she likes when I go somewhere, as we reconnect, and she can miss me. I always took this as it was her opportunity to do her thing. I dunno. I know I have things to work on too, and I am . I tried to tell her that I had changed, but she has completely shut me out-said "you said that before", "you always say that, and then we go back to the way we were". How can I make her see that I am willing to do those things, first off, while deployed, and second, when I get back?

[antlers]

I tried to tell her that I had changed, but she has completely shut me out-said "you said that before", "you always say that, and then we go back to the way we were". How can I make her see that I am willing to do those things, first off, while deployed, and second, when I get back?

Forget telling her that! She won't listen. Even if you have changed, she still won't listen. Just start doing it. And don't call attention to it either. Just do it. If she is gonna be receptive to it on down the line, it'll be up to her. You can't force it on her, or 'convince' her of it. Just do it. Be consistent. You gotta realize at this point, that your control is gone. The ONLY control that you have is over YOU. You can't control her thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother trying. You can, though, control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions...so exercise the control that you do have over you.

[SoldierDad]

Antlers, 100% agree. I tried all that when she dropped the bomb. I have been pretty much NC for the past 6-8 weeks. Doesn't seem to be having any effect. Although, she has indicated curiosity about where I am taking the boys, then told me a lie about her speaking to her M coming to Texas to visit. I spoke to her brother, he said he had just gotten off phone with M, she had no idea what my W as talking about-she hadn't spoken to her in 3 weeks. My W has all but cut off her Family, she used to call her M 3-4 times a week, now it is weeks, and then just a message. Her F has told her she is crazy, but she isn't listening. Is there any hope for me and my marriage? Thanks.

[SoldierDad]

Also, my W found a Female friend, Divorced with B12, working at same place W does. They have become very good friends, and go out together all the time. At least that is what W tells my boys, and family. I think friend is telling her things, etc. Not sure how to deal with that, as I dont want to try control who she is friends with, but if that friend is a cancer to our M, then I take that personal. Thoughts?

[SoldierDad]

Just thought of something else. What if, there is no OM, and she sees her friend living her life without a man, and thinks she will be fine? What boundaries can I set if she isn't cheating? The only thing I can think of is the going out late. Now I have confused myself with this. Well, maybe it is the cake eater scenario. She wants the benefits of being M without the responsibility-well, I think that is a big part of it anyway. I am setting a boundary next month with the money, but any ideas for any other boundaries I can set?

[SoldierDad]

Ok, now I'm kind of emotional. Was just talking to S12, I asked him what he had for breakfast, he said donuts. I asked "donuts", he said ya, mom went and got them this morning before I woke up. That isn't what really happened, she stayed out until very early this morning, and picked them up on the way home. The reason I know this, is because my W sleeps in on the weekends. She would NEVER go get donuts. I feel as if someone just punched me in the chest, ripped my heart out, and stomped on it. How do you control these emotions? How do you deal with this pain, over and over again? How can someone be so cold to someone they used to love so much...

[antlers]

How do you deal with this pain, over and over again? How can someone be so cold to someone they used to love so much...

By detatching, plain and simple. "Retain faith that you will prevail, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." Detatch. The fact is, they CAN be "so cold" to someone they used to love. It's hard to understand, so don't bother trying. Just realize they 'can' and do. Stop trying to control something that you have no control over. Detatch. Work on you. Become better and stronger, in every way you can. Regardless of how things turn out, by becoming better and stronger, you will be better off afterwards. Make sense?

[SoldierDad]

Antlers, It does. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I take things personal, which in this case is extremely hard NOT to. I will work on this. I will work on detaching. I will work on myself, to become a better man. Antlers, any thoughts on the 2 previous threads I added about my W friend, and if there is not OM? Thanks.