First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

Thanks,

I understand that this could be an area of huge conflict.

Number one, doesn't work? What if shes asks to come?

Number two, This would be difficult, my primary concern is the children. That will be such a major change for them, Is it fair? are they ready for it, will they ever be ready for it.

I explained everything to the doctor, As for the drinking, Nothing in weeks, its really not that bad. the smoking I quit on wednesday in line with the instructions of the pills. I let you know how I do there, but I feel v.strong. I do feel like I can do it.

Thanks for the advice... it was of help.

MT

[sandi2]

If the trip was planned for just you & the kids, and yet she asked to go....then of course you let her. But this is what I was refering to:

If she comes we might have fun..she'll see what shes giving up?

The WAW doesn't respond to these things like you hope she will. She is not going to "see what she's giving up" and get all repentant over about leaving the family. That's why I said that she has already thought about it.

While you DB, you are not to rub these sort of things in her face. You don't pull out family pictures and make remark about the kids, etc., hoping it will get to her.

If this is the motive behind the trip, she will see through you loud & clear and see it as pursuing. I don't think she will go for it. Not unless you can stop thinking about how it may be affecting her. But if you make statements about family life, the future, marriage, etc., it will completely turn her off. She is a WAW.

[MT21]

Sandi,

You say shes thought about it...Has she?

I believe strongly that no-one has discussed the real trauma that comes from breaking up a family.
and even if she thought about it.. the penny hasn't really dropped.

The trip will/(if agreed) will be tough especially without her but it may make her think about the above.

It may also make her see that I am getting on with my life.

She spoke to her sister before dropping the bomb, I wondered what you views were on me talking to her or even some of her close friends. After all they only have one side of the story. and its that side of the story that their "good advice" is being dished out on.

I understand your comments about rubbing her face on it though. (I already did the photo thing...before coming here.. :\ )

MT

[TrentC]

You say shes thought about it...Has she?

Sandi was a WAW, so I give her the benefit of the doubt when she talks about these things.

I believe strongly that no-one has discussed the real trauma that comes from breaking up a family.
and even if she thought about it.. the penny hasn't really dropped.

You are right; WAS's don't really get it, or they convince themselves that they will be able to recover from it.

But you know what else? There is nothing you can say or do to make them realize it.

You are attempting to rebut emotional choices with rational arguments, and it won't work because everything you say at this point will seem to her as desperation and pursuit.

Your best bet at this point is to focus on yourself, and work on your own issues. Your wife will start to figure out that divorce is painful and emotionally draining on her own, and it will help the chances of turning things around if you are not the needy, clingy person that she was planning to leave in the first place.

The trip will/(if agreed) will be tough especially without her but it may make her think about the above.

Doubtful, but you're welcome to try.

It may also make her see that I am getting on with my life.

But are you really if you are hanging on to the hope that this trip, or something else that you may say or do, will make her see reason?

She spoke to her sister before dropping the bomb, I wondered what you views were on me talking to her or even some of her close friends. After all they only have one side of the story. and its that side of the story that their "good advice" is being dished out on.

That's up to you. I would caution you about getting her friends involved (or yours, for that matter), because it is easy to turn your friends against your spouse (or turn her friends against you) if you dish too much, which may complicate matters if and when you do reconcile. You may see it as setting the record straight, but they may see it as trying to get them on your "side".

[MT21]

Thanks for the taking the time to reply, all of you in fact. It is very much appreciated.

Sandi, Sorry I wasnt trying to question your experience or wisdom here, its just I know that this is pure emotion on her part with very little thought to practicalities and what the real situation is going to present.

The truth is my emotions have run riot the last two weeks, 1st despair,then hurt confusion, then upbeat and now I'm angry, angry that she could do this to our family without saying anything. I don't feel angry about the way she feels but frustrated that I am, 1. Not able to penetrate the wall and 2. That I didn't see this coming.

Can I shout in here?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Sandi,

I will take some time to read you sitch..but may I ask how things turned out for you?

Thanks everyone

MT

[sandi2]

Sandi, Sorry I wasnt trying to question your experience or wisdom here, its just I know that this is pure emotion on her part with very little thought to practicalities and what the real situation is going to present.

Oh...no problem. Don't feel that you owe any apologies b/c we all learn from each other. Every stitch is a tad different and they certainly are personal. I should have explained what I meant about her "thinking about what she would be leaving behind" more carefully. Let's say she is not involved in an A and is a WAW only. If so, then I believe she has given everything considerable thought. If she's a WAW who is involved in an EA, if not a PA, then she still has given it thought.....however, with her brain drenched with those false "in-love" chemicals....it causes her to think about leaving all of those things in a very different light than from what you believe she should think about it. She would think of everything in terms of her fantasy. Therefore, the things you may try....like the trip....and hoping it would cause her to realize what she would be giving up.....would probably not work that way with her b/c of her thought process. Does that make more sense? It is hard to explain.

I believe the WAW has to know what her consequences would be if she left. If those consequences outweigh her benefits or desire for leaving...then that will get her attention.

All of your emotions you have felt is completely normal. You cannot think correctly when operating out of high emotions, so that is why we encourage you to come here and ask questions before you make any decisions about doing things.

I completely agree with Trent where telling friends are concerned. Especially since you do not know if she is in an A or not. Her friends will more than likely continue to be "her" friends and you probably will not persuade them to change their advice. It makes the LBH look weak when he turns to her friends to "help" him by talking to her. If he is wanting to set the record straight, it still makes him look bad. I can understand your desire behind it, but I advise you not to talk to them. You will come out being the bad guy worse than you are now.

I will take some time to read you sitch..but may I ask how things turned out for you?

I am very happy to tell you that my H and I are still together. It was very devastating for my H, but he was able to forgive me and he gave me time to heal from the EA. He needed time to heal also. I also had a lot of resentment to overcome. I come across an old post now and then and it is a little embarrasing to me b/c I can see my anger in what I say. You see, I came here to the board during the time I was in my EA, so even after I stopped contacting OM, it was hard for me to get over resenting some issues where my H was concerned. It was things that had built over many years that I had tried to push down inside of me b/c it was not worked out nor talked out. I had tried to talk it out in years past, but my H would not communicate like I did. He would not talk about emotions/feelings. I needed that....but it just did not happen. So....it's a long story, but now we are doing good and I keep a thread over on the Piecing forum just so I'll have a place for people to contact me if they want to. But, our D was busted.

[MT21]

Sandi,

Thankyou for sharing your sitch, I am truly pleased that you and your H have remained together and are working out your differences, It is encouraging for us all.

I on the other hand have had a v.mixed up evening, I decided to go to bed before she came home from her business trip, I have been feeling angry today, She didn't need to see that.
Unfortunately she woke me, I tried with some simple small talk but it spiraled into me telling her to get out until she made he mind up what her next move was. ( this wasn't the message I wanted to send, I couldn't help myself)

So we then talked, A lot...

She apologized for hurting me so much but couldn't find the words to say it any other way.
She confirmed no A, I believe her.
She is also hurting and said there was no easy way to say it, we have agreed that we shall start to fix up the house a bit. (Together)
She has agreed to counseling, but she says she feels tired and is not ready to launch right into it.
We are both agreed in that we do not want to just paper over the cracks and aim to really find out if the right course of action is to split.
We both agreed to take small steps, house, finance, talking, AOB...No resolve to sharing the same bed.
I wont push this, I am also not emotionally prepared for this. (of course it may never happen)
The subject of the trip came up.. she agreed it would be a nice idea for us to go.(We'll talk a bit more on this one)

The negative thing for me, I shouldn't have pushed a deep discussion tonight or taken the approach I did. so part of me feels like we made some progress and the other part says "idiot" when she wakes tomorrow and has more time to think, she 'll think your pushing and adding more pressure. (and it will drive her away)

I need to back off some and at least try and keep the mood lighter.



I know I should concentrate on myself and I am.. still no wine, still on track for quitting smoking, Joined the Gym did an hour today. My food intake is regular and healthy, and I lost 8lbs in 3 weeks.
But I think if we don't talk at all when there's a chance to then we risk not being able to start talking again. I am conscious though, that there is a v. fine line between talking and every conversation becoming a deep, depressive and emotional slog..

Tomorrow's another day. Lets make it a good one.

MT

[sandi2]

I don't understand why she would be too tired to go to counseling, but not to fix the house up. Does that sound right to you?

[Energizer Bunny]

I've been too full for dinner, but always have space for dessert.

It doesn't sound too off to not want to deal with R, but be willing to deal with home repairs.

[MT21]

I don't understand why she would be too tired to go to counseling, but not to fix the house up. Does that sound right to you?

Sandi, I here what your saying here.

These are my thoughts, fundamentally her view point hasn't altered, and why would it nothing has changed.
But, she can see some logic in the fact that the house needs to be fixed up prior to any successful sale, should it work out that way. But more importantly I truly believe that by injecting some positive energy in to the home, which must be getting on her nerves (mine too) maybe either something good can come from it. Or at least clear the emotional fog that is surrounding her right now, and allow her to make a better decision about the rest of her life.

Who knows though deep down?
What I do know is that there are some take aways for me.
1. Pride
2. Something to channel my turbulent emotions into.
3. Self respect, knowing that I did everything I could to make difference, This being just one of those things.

4. Hope....

MT21