Still in the tunnel with hubby

[trustingfaith]

BTW - My H is here at home but also does pretty much absolutely nothing to lift a finger. I do everything. He does provide financially more than I but I am the bill payer and the book balancer. It is annoying but I so far have just put up with it. I am not sure if I should be setting any boundaries (he makes a pretty bad roommmate) in this area. Thinking about it, but don't want to pressure him or push him out the door.

[kjensen]

Hi TF,

It does wear on me. I feel like I do the same amount of work as when we were separated, but now I also have to deal with H and his moods, projection. Makes me mentally and emotionally tired..got to keep GALing.

Last night went well. We watched some TV- normally I'll hold his hand while we're watching, but I didn't. I said good night and didn't lean over to kiss him (like usual). He pulled me over to him...so I think the little bit of distancing I did worked.

I think the work for me in this part of his MLC is the hardest yet. I know I should have no expectations(and expect no help), listen really well and validate constantly, be upbeat-light and airy...ALL THE TIME!!!

If I even slip or have a bad day personally, H notices that and none of the good times/peace that preceded. He has a negative filter and that's what he focuses on...

TF about your question on clinginess..I don't think H ever was clingy or needy on the exterior, but I do think he has some of those feelings within.

He didn't feel any love growing up, especially from his dad..and I think he looks down on those feelings and won't really have the insight to see them within himself. I definitely had my clingy/needy period early in our relationship before marriage..but not that I notice too much since except the usual post-BOMB behavior that many of us fall into. Once he moved out (10 days later), that pretty much ended. Overall, I'm pretty independent day-to day.

I am aware that if H gives me something I want(affection), often I'll want a bit more-so maybe he or his therapist perceives that as clingy/needy..I'm working on it.. having no expectations.

D if you're reading...how about Holding,or Hon.. not HO???
LOL

[trustingfaith]

I wonder if internally he is "clingy" in a way then, with not feeling love growing up. It has amazed me through this journey seeing the role parents play in the adult lives of their kids. I can see clearly now ways that my H was hurt as a child that are driving his MLC now. And his childhood wasn't what I would consider "bad," just parents who I think were just not emotionally available (and never have been to him as an adult, either). So sad. Now I feel the burden even more of being a good parent for my kids!

I can't imagine how emotionally exhausted you must be, working so hard to maintain that lightness with all that negativity. And all that projection!

[kjensen]

Journaling:

The anger and sniping continue. Today I did respond by getting angry and leaving for work early this morning to a snipe by H the "we always do what you want". Before I left, H asked "Are you angry" and I said "yes"..he said.."Oh, the comment about 'I'm leaving' and your storming off should have clued me in."

I just called him and said a simple "I'm sorry I left angry". I don't want him using my repsonse as fuel for continuing to hold me accountable for all of his unhappiness.

He didn't apologize or take repsonsibility for his part..and I'm not surprised. I think more and more his behavior seems very juvenile and that is where he is stuck.

Last night he said because I wasn't direct in the motivation for something I said, that I wasn't being honest and there was no justification for that...I am honest and I know that. That H focused on this communication difference between us and called it dishonest seems to be the hill that can't be surmounted.

So my child within is feeling attacked constantly. I can't defend myself and that drives me crazy sometimes. Having a hard time remaining 'like teflon' through all of this.

More often that not I wish H would just leave. He feels toxic to me right now. I feel like I'm a slave to keeping everything going with one wrong move I am verbally attacked, or any affection is withheld...
I have to say this part of the journey sucks royally.

[Cyrena]

Hi Holding On,

You're doing very well. You know, there is an upside to being the spouse of a person in MLC--that in the end we won't need to have an MLC of our own because we've become stronger, wiser, more compassionate ... we've grown up completely. During my H's MLC I was where you are, trying to defend myself against my H's unreasonable accusations, my inner child bawling unconsolably. Finally I made the decision to just stop--instead of defending myself, I'd get up from the table to "get something," or go to the laundry-room (where I kept lots of laundry ready to fold whenever necessary--or I'd just close the door and read magazines.) After a while, he started coming to find me, and I'd just be breezy and unconcerned.

The great thing is that now, when someone says something "unfair" about me or to me, I might feel a momentary twinge, but I know how to let it go. I know the difference between a valid criticism of me that I need to work on and one that's just about the critic and his issues, and I don't take it personally. So, even though it's very hard and unfair right now, rest assured, all this is giving you the skills to be a far stronger and more mature person.

A great book about how to learn to "hold onto yourself" is Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch--it's not the easiest read, but the best explanation of what being fully mature and alive looks like.

[kjensen]

Thanks Cyrena.
I have my 'taking a bathroom break" as a way out...I did go upstairs to read a magazine once after getting upset by H and he came up to see what I was doing. When I was 'fine and friendly' he got confused and said he 'hated when I do that"... :-)

I know this will all help me be a better, more mature, person. I thinks it just stinks when the one you love so much turns to be so cruel and snipey...it hurts more than if it was a snooty neighbor.

I'm an emotional and empathetic person to begin with so thickening up my skin is a good move for me. I'll check out the book you mentionned.

I think I've been more vulnerable lately because I'm getting worn out emotionally.

[Cyrena]

You're right--the process of changing is incredibly painful. Gut-wrenching. And being under attack from the one who was supposed to love you best hurts like nothing else.

I notice your daughters are in their early teens--have they reached the stage yet where sometimes they're too emotional to be reasonable, they hate you, everything is your fault, the world is ending (for some trivial reason), you have no business interfering with their lives, and that's why they have to deceive you (and then other days they are sweet and loving kids again). I'm not sure at what age that hits girls, but my S13 is sure in that zone some days.

Does it help to see your H as that unloved teen again, getting a "redo" on a stage of his life that he didn't navigate completely the first time round? How do you handle your girls when they have emotional outbursts? What stops you from taking it personally? Could you apply the same techniques to H?

Keep looking after yourself!

[kjensen]

Hi Cyrena,
I do tend to forget the perspective of H re-navigating his teen years-they were very lonely for him. I needed that reminder.

Sometimes I am good about not taking my daughter's teen anst outbursts personally, but sometimes I do...and like when I take H's outbursts personally AND react, things deteriorate quickly.

I'm going to keep trying to see H as that lonely, unloved boy...helps keep perspective.

H did again critique how I said something today because the info I wanted wasn't the first question out of my mouth. I calmly asked him not to critique everything that I said-he moved into the other room and has been awkwardly nice to me the rest of the day. The girls and I left him and his cousin at home after our dinner to watch football- we went and saw the movie, "The Blind Side"-which I really liked...

We'll see how much affection/physical contact I get tonight. Not much this last week since Sunday..definitely a change compared to the every day sex I had for the last 5 months...really weird.

Tomorrow is the bowling/pizza dinner with H's HS/FB friend and her boys...I'm emotionally tire ust thinking about it!

[Cyrena]

Good luck with the dinner. My H had a hard time having appropriate relationships with women during his MLC, so I know how difficult it is to have to be in the middle of one of these "friendships." Be casual, happy and unconcerned if possible--try not to spend too much time analyzing how much they look at each other, etc etc, because if something's going to happen, it's out of your control.

Be strong!

[kjensen]

Update:
Pizza/bowling was fun! To start, I actually came home all stressed out. I am on-call this weekend and get paged at any time with issues I must resolve via the phone so I was thinking about how H says no one respects his work since he's self-employed and yet he's scheduled this pizza/bowling while I was on-call b/c it was the only night that worked for his friend...I realized that wasn't respecting my work...

I've also been a bit down since a pharmacist I used to work with was murdered last weekend and his service/viewing was last night(I couldn't go and be on-call, but it felt odd to be doing something 'fun' when many of my co-workers were going to the viewing).

So I got home a bit stressed and H noticed and I shared the part about my friend/colleague's service.. H actually looked really old/tired- he'd had therapy Friday morning and I wonder if it wore him out. In any case, I got by PMA on and had a good time.

H's HS/FB friend was very nice. We played the girls v. the boys so she and I got to talk a bit. She brought up how she wanted to meet me since she thought if she'd been in my shoes she wouldn't have liked her husband meeting a divorced friend from the past... LOL! I think H and her have a good rapport but I don't think anything more than friendship is there. Its funny though-as soon as we got home H texted HS/FB friend to say thanks for coming..we had a good time..just like a teenager in my book, not a 45 year-old man who already said those things in person.

Last night H grabbed my hand to warm it up and I said that I missed being close, that we hadn't ML since last weekend. H hadn't noticed when the last time was..and appreciated my directness. So we ML.

So we'll see how this weekend goes. So far, so good.