Reconciliation after divorce

[Sanderika]

Hi Bonny,

I have just spent time refreshing myself with your sitch.

I am generally missing in action on the BB these days....

My sitch is status quo and not good enough for me anymore. I am facing a 5th court appearance on the D next Friday 12/4/09. I have plans to proceed. I cannot live with a WAH with the same OW any longer. Yes, we have rekindled our friendship to a point where I fear it will remain as is. Not going forward or backward in reality and it doesn't feel good enough. I am far better off today than I was 4 1/2 years ago in the sitch, so progress was achieved in some fashion. I have accepted it.

I have a hard time knowing what to do on the holidays. We had Thanksgiving this week. I spoke to my H on Weds, the day before, and never mentioned the next days events. I did not consider inviting H to my dinner with son. For me it was not an option. H is in a different place now and appears willing to remain there. I will not entertain his ego further by inviting him. His life needs to be what he is making of it from now on.

Christmas is even harder. To answer your dilemma about what to do....IMO, let your GROWN kids decide when they want to get together with their Dad. You may be disappointed in the decision, and then maybe not. I would not suggest/invite him to come to your holiday. If the kids invite him to your home or if he comes to you and expresses interest in joining the 5 of you then graciously welcome him either way.

IMO, he has to be left alone to face his own consequences of his choice. He needs to accept that his choice has left the family with the unpleasant task of having to choose between you and him. He has already apparently shut you out of Boxing Day at his folks. It is Ok to not include him in your Christmas.

If your kids have already chosen you for Christmas morning do not feel pressured to end your festivities by a certain hour just to appease H. It ends when it does and that is that. H will have to settle for whatever time is left if he wants to have a part of the day with them. Consequences!!!

It may be hard on the kids to make the decision, I have a feeling they will make the right choice for everyone. If they are like mine, they have a great deal of maturity and a smart approach attitude about it all. I bet they will surprise you.

I think I jumped around here a bit. I am sorry if I did.

My H will not be invited for our Christmas. My H will have to make time for my son on his own. My son is 13 and I am the active parent and have sole custody, Christmas will be my way with son. H will have to accept my decisions about it. In H's family the only one who bothers with son is my FIL. Son will spend the two days prior with his grandfather so no further need for more contact. I don't currently care if H sees him at all. Consequences!!!!

I think Bonny, we come to a place where our H's thoughts and feelings and wants are not so front and center in our minds. We eventually get hardened to their actions to the point that we are fine without them and along with it we are not so courteous of them. It's bound to happen sooner or later given their behaviors towards us.

My thoughts are with you even though I don't post much anymore.

Take care, my friend....

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika