Detachment

[antlers]

Does anybody have any advice on detaching when W and I still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.

Up until a week ago she still said "I love you" and would kiss me before bed.

Now she is really detaching from me, says very little, does not kiss me good night etc.

I have still been kissing her goodbye and saying I love you, but I feel she is reluctant to kiss me and does not respond anymore when I say I love you.

I was scared dot stop because I wanted her to know that I still am trying, but I think she knows how I feel.

I am going to continue to be positive, show compassion, but not be over loving or affectionate to her.

Is it best to stop the kissing and say I love and wait for her to make those moves? detachment is probably the hardest concept for me to apply.

She's been able to detatch from you while living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, as mine did from me. It can be done, obviously. It's a decision that you have to make and stick to it...easier said than done, I know...but it can be done.

My advice is to stop kissing her goodbye and stop telling her that you love her...she knows how you feel. Whenever you kiss her goodbye and tell her that you love her, you remind her that she doesn't feel the same right now! You're scared to stop doing this, and I understand that. But do you understand what I'm saying? She can't be reciprocal right now, and every time you do it, you remind her that she can't be reciprocal right now. Give it a rest, and stop being scared...it'll get you nowhere.

[antlers]

Many of us (myself included) were co-dependent upon our spouses. We relied on them to make us happy, fulfill us and make us "feel whole." The truth is, the only person responsible for my happiness, fulfilment, wholeness is....ME. A relationship built on the belief that my spouse is supposed to make me happy is destined to fail. And, it's just unhealthy.

So, we all have to embrace the fact that we, and we alone, determine if we will be happy. You have to like yourself and have respect for yourself in order for you to be happy. That means respecting yourself enough not to be treated badly (being insulted, yelled at, run down by another). If you are treated badly, you played a part in LETTING it happen. Either you put up with it, or you simply accepted it as normal (maybe you thought you deserved it). So, like yourself enough to be treated well.

Once you understand, and accept, that you alone are responsible for your happiness, you stop putting your moods, emotions and feelings in someone else's hands. That doesn't mean you don't open yourself up to a relationship. It means that if spouse is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, it does not make you have a bad day/mood. And that's b/c your happiness does not depend upon SPOUSE's mood.

Now, detachment, I believe, means you know you will be ok no matter what. I know you don't want to be D'd, he!!, none of us really want to be D'd. But those are the cards we were dealt (and, quite frankly, dealt ourselves). So, you have to deal with it.

One of two things is going to happen - divorce or reconciliation. Obviously, reconciliation, if done for the right reasons, is what we want. But, our spouses are in the fog. And, maybe for the first time we have had to come to grips with the reality that we DO NOT CONTROL them. So, let that go.

That leaves D. Something none/few of us thought we would be dealing with, right? Well consider being D'd for a moment. Do you believe you will be lonely the rest of your life on this Earth if you were D'd? Do you honestly believe you could never find another person to share your life with? Notice I didn't say a person to "make you happy" b/c that's YOUR job. And the answer to the question is NO. Of course you will be happy. And, yes, there are many other people out there with whom you could be happy - and, dare you consider it - HAPPIER than you have EVER been?

The point is to reach the realization that if you end up D'd, it is NOT the end of the world. It seems like it now, but, really, it's not. You still have your children. You still have a long, full life ahead of you (IF you choose to make it so).

So, accept that you are ALREADY D'd (you are). Now, set about improving yourself for your NEXT R. You want that to be with your H, but it may not be. In either case, make the decision to be happy. More importantly, realize you WILL be fine no matter what.

And realizing the truth that is you WILL be fine no matter what IS detachment. And it leads to a better frame of mind and a healthier place. When I alone am responsible for my happiness, then I have no excuse being unhappy. NO EXCUSES.

So work on getting to detachment. Then, there is more work to be done. But, you can't do it until you get there first.
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This is great stuff. Thanks.

[brknheart]

I for one can say the process of detachment is hard during the holidays. For the past 2 days, ive been obsessing about my WAS. I dreamed the past 2 nights about her coming back, which screws me up the rest of the day. This is the first holiday we are not together...

I havent felt like this in 2-3 weeks...

[avermont]

Again if your sitch was about you not demonstrating love, I'd say you have other things to do as well)


25 what things should/could I do that would demonstrate love while detaching? Right now we're completely dark but at some pt. will probably have to have some communic.

Following up on this thread from Detaching--ideas on 180's for the LBS who was withholding during the R? balance between pursuing and the 180 of showing love?

[Inaspin]

@ antlers - thanks for the input

I know that it is the only answer. I feel that this is the first week I have managed to put it into action.

Like you said it is a decision, a hard one, but one that I know must be made. All my pursuing has done to this point is to push her further away, so I have nothing to lose.

The key for me is to see things as they are, not as I want them to be. To face the reality of my sitch, and not let it control me or my actions. I have always taken short cuts, this time there are none. I am determined to keep trying until I get this right.

@ brknheart, I now how you feel, I have had a tough couple of days dealing with those emotions. I find myself thinking about how this could be the last Christmas together as a family etc.

It is this fear that I am going to try my hardest to release. I have to try and live for the now, and not get caught up in the future, but it is easier said than done.

[SoldierDad]

Antlers, your post really opened my eyes, and forced me to take a good long look at myself. All these years I have based my happiness on others. Once I looked at myself, and my sitch, I realized that I had to detach, for my own well-being. The hard part, is acknowledging, that right now, I am already D. I think another very important part in this, is to not so much re-invent myself, but to find myself, and become a better father/man/husband, in that order. I think once we are able to "find" that balance, we are happier. I am coming to find out that this is a long and bumpy road, this detachment.

[antlers]

Strive to be the strongest man you can possibly be...physically, mentally, and spiritually. It is a noble aspiration for us all.

[avermont]

Really failing at detaching this past few days. Time to put the rubber band back on the wrist and give it a good snap when thoughts turn to X.

Part of the trouble is living in such a small town. As I am driving my eyes keep cutting over to the oncoming traffic to see if I recognize his or OW car.

I keep reminding myself that mental discipline of detaching is the same as physical exercise of weight lifting--which I do. Can't improve physical muscles without constant repetition--same thing goes for my mind. Hasn't worked thus far, but I keep trying!

Made some progress this weekend--went to "our" bar with a posse of friends WITHOUT checking in with X. The bartenders/friends were glad to see me and the owner/friend told me I looked "gorgeous". So that's something!

I noted another post that said that we can detach from other things, like work. I have certainly found that with this emotional stress I have detached from work issues that would normally have me up the wall with stress and reaction and total craziness. Now... I just don't care. There the situation is...I am dealing calmly and without emotional investment. If only I could apply that to my X and OW! Time, right?

[brknheart]

Well, I will be moving out of my house, my WAS is buying my half out. Detachment has gotten easier the past couple of days since I found out she met OM and wants to date him. Funny thing is he may not want to date her. Regardless, she is history in my book. She has done so many fked up things during our separation that I could never forgive her. My plan, move out, find a job in another state, start a new life, meet new people, new friends, new activities. I haven't seen the WAS in 1 mth 2 weeks. She had to come by today and I made sure I wasn't home. I choose not to see her but I can just imagine she saying that I'm a "coward" trying to hide from her. Fact is, Im afraid of what I may say when I see her. She has truly handled this situation the worst possible way. I guess BPD will do that.

[avermont]

This is a great post, 25. I will book mark it and refer to it often.

But the question I am still struggling with, is as I was "withholding" and "distant" during the R, my 180's might be different. I did MAYBE 2 days of cry, talk, ask for a chance...then I buttoned my lip, instituted quiet "check-ins", asked him to move out. He saw me sobbing my head off on the floor once.

My DB coach Laurie suggested I do "90" rather than 180. I am GAL'ing all over the place and I am afraid it is MORE OF THE SAME. We each GAL'ed during our R (and GAL'ed together)

So if I am out and about; not reaching out to him in a gentle, not-clingy way; how is this different than our 23 year R when he pursued me and I pulled away?

What is the right balance for a LBS who was the "colder" one, when the WAH has found a lover who presumably--holds nothing back! Love and sex and reassurance all the time...

As he is out of the house, I don't have place for AOS or even trying a different Love Language...I'm just going out with friends; crying at home; trying to detach; therapy...

This is 4 months since the bomb and the move out--nothing changes, nothing moves, we have no contact.

So how do things shift? how do the gentle slow changes begin to happen?