Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Blue, I BELIEVE that if I do this the right way, I can bring her back. BUT, I am also still at a point that I am hurting from all of it, and not sure if I am ok if we do D. Does that make sense? I mean, I am accepting that this may be my future, but I find myself slipping back into the "why me" thing. Feeling sorry for myself. I am a confident Alpha male, and I know what I want out life, and I am usually in control, but I am NOT in control right now-and that SCARES the HE!! out of me.

[SoldierDad]

I am working on 180's as well as NC. This doesn't seem to be having any effect on her, and her actions. As a matter of fact, I think it gives her space and validation to continue to act in whatever manner she wants. Wait, 180's and NC are for ME right? My W is confrontational, and is so used to getting her way. I always give in, and do things her way most of the time. It's not like I haven't stood up to her, rather, I have basically comprimised with her in order to keep the peace. THIS may be another source of our problems...

[2overcome]

Sorry to hear about your situation SD. And thanks for all that you do! I was military myself, and have a lot of respect for those who serve in the armed forces. Don't beat yourself up over feeling sorry for yourself from time to time - it will come and go. Some days will be good and others will be hell! When everyone describes this as an emotional rollercoaster, they are not kidding! It's enough to make you question your sanity that's for sure! And yes those 180's are for YOU, man! The only thing you control at this point is how you will let this affect you, and how you are going to overcome this! I have been using the phrase "sink or swim" a lot. No matter what happens, you will be a stronger person from this - just keep your head up and keep marching through this.

[SoldierDad]

2, thanks for the advice. I am plugging away over here. I have so many things going through my mind all the time. I am staying busy, but the mind always has a way of making me think about W. This stuff is so hard. Do WAS ever come back? Are there success stories? I think I am still in denial that this is happening, gotta get past that, and accept the fact that, right now, she doesn't want anything to do with me. That hurts, more than anything else. I have always been there for her, I always took care of her, and now she decides to discard me like so much trash... It is so cruel...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

1: Im sorry that you feel that way.
2: Thats not how the military sees it, and I hope that you dont plan on keeping your benefits.
3: I understand that you are frustrated, and have been for a long time.
4: I understand that you feel that way.
5: Im sorry that you feel that way.
6: I understand that you dont want to hurt anymore.
7: I understand that you feel that way.

You dont need to argue or defend yourself, or apologize, just validate her. Im sure that most of those lines would just be WAW script, but if she did sincerely mean any of them- which she might, its important that you acknowledge what she thinks are her feelings. It is totally possible that none of those things are true, and that she is just rewriting your history of the marriage to suit her needs right now. Its also possible that while you havent been around to remind her otherwise, she has legitimately convinced herself that these things are true- which is another reason to validate.

I think that very often people are so focused on how much they are hurt that they forget that sometimes, the WAS did struggle for a long time. Not that it justifies any A, or abandoning your marriage, but I think that not acknowledging the other side of the story can be a mistake.

Dont engage her in an arguement, you always stay calm and in coltrol. If it starts to escalate, leave the conversation, leave the room, tell her that you will come back when you can be calm.

BINGO. Print this one out for yourself, SD, and refer to it often. This is your script.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

Puppy, I already have!!! Thank you. W went out again last night, left both boys at home. Not sure what time W got home. That is the stuff that drives me nuts. She just has no regard for anyone but herself right now. When will the consequences kick in? When does she get to feel some of this pain? Not sure if she ever will. I guess I have no control over that either. sigh.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How old are your boys again?

[SoldierDad]

12 and 15. I guess the big issue is-I just don't think it is right that she just goes out and leaves them at home, and doesn't check in on them. I am very protective of my boys.

[antlers]

1: Im sorry that you feel that way.
2: Thats not how the military sees it, and I hope that you dont plan on keeping your benefits.
3: I understand that you are frustrated, and have been for a long time.
4: I understand that you feel that way.
5: Im sorry that you feel that way.
6: I understand that you dont want to hurt anymore.
7: I understand that you feel that way.[/b]

You dont need to argue or defend yourself, or apologize, just validate her. It's important that you acknowledge what she thinks are her feelings. It is totally possible that none of those things are true, and that she is just rewriting your history of the marriage to suit her needs right now. Its also possible that while you havent been around to remind her otherwise, she has legitimately convinced herself that these things are true- which is another reason to validate.

I think that very often people are so focused on how much they are hurt that they forget that sometimes, the WAS did struggle for a long time. Not that it justifies any A, or abandoning your marriage, but I think that not acknowledging the other side of the story can be a mistake.

[b]Dont engage her in an arguement, you always stay calm and in coltrol. If it starts to escalate, leave the conversation, leave the room, tell her that you will come back when you can be calm.

Good stuff, practical, and true.

[Bridgestone]

12 and 15. I guess the big issue is-I just don't think it is right that she just goes out and leaves them at home, and doesn't check in on them.

Hi SD,
My heart goes out to you. I was witness 1st hand to the strain & stress overseas military deployment has on marriages when my BIL/SIL went through an affair & subsequent R damage during her deployment.

I've been reading along, but you've been getting good advice so I've not chimed in... this caught my eye however & I wanted to swing a little 2x4 your direction.

When you are home here in a few weeks & if you & your W 'go out'... would you leave your boys home alone then?

Most 12 & 15 year olds are babysitting in other people's homes & responsible for other people's children by this point in their lives.

Are your boys not capable of being responsible for themselves in their own home for 5-6 hour stretches without direct adult supervision or being checked on?

Protective is one thing.. unrealistic expectations are another.

Is it possible because you don't know "who" she's going out with... and you're not really sure you want to know the answer to that.. so you choose to 'pick the battle' that your boys were home alone?

If that is the case, I would caution you to pick your battles carefully.

Peace
Bridge