Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[bluerain]

1: Im sorry that you feel that way.
2: Thats not how the military sees it, and I hope that you dont plan on keeping your benefits.
3: I understand that you are frustrated, and have been for a long time.
4: I understand that you feel that way.
5: Im sorry that you feel that way.
6: I understand that you dont want to hurt anymore.
7: I understand that you feel that way.

You dont need to argue or defend yourself, or apologize, just validate her. Im sure that most of those lines would just be WAW script, but if she did sincerely mean any of them- which she might, its important that you acknowledge what she thinks are her feelings. It is totally possible that none of those things are true, and that she is just rewriting your history of the marriage to suit her needs right now. Its also possible that while you havent been around to remind her otherwise, she has legitimately convinced herself that these things are true- which is another reason to validate.

I think that very often people are so focused on how much they are hurt that they forget that sometimes, the WAS did struggle for a long time. Not that it justifies any A, or abandoning your marriage, but I think that not acknowledging the other side of the story can be a mistake.

Dont engage her in an arguement, you always stay calm and in coltrol. If it starts to escalate, leave the conversation, leave the room, tell her that you will come back when you can be calm.