Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Blue, IF, and only IF she either continues with OM, or lies to me about ANYTHING-those are my deal breakers. How to tell if she is lying, or still seein OM, after I redeplpy? Not sure about this yet. - Thoughts? Also, I agree with the boundaries for myself and the boys. I don't think she has brought OM to our home-she leaves the boys there EVERY TIME she goes out. I believe/think she is going to OM house/apt-hence the PI I hired. I will know more in 10 days or so, then I am going to need as much help as possible...

[bluerain]

Im sorry to say, but I thought about the same thing. I guess that the only way to know for sure would be to have either the PI check on her periodically or have a friend who could report back to you.

I wonder if it wouldnt be better to wait until you are here long-term to set the deal-breaker boundaries. Maybe now you could do the whole "I know whats going on, and its incredibly disrespectful", You could cut off the financial support for the A, it will most likely die a natural death- they almost all do- in a few months. Just something to think about I guess.

[SoldierDad]

Blue, thanks. Ya, I think the long-term deal breakers will be hard-if not impossible, to enforce due to distance. However, I firmly believe that the boundary involving OM-if there is one, MUST be set, and adhered to. I WILL NOT SHARE MY WIFE WITH OM-although, I already might be. How do you deal with that? Wow, I am really thinking too hard now. She will have a little over 60 days before I return for good-any suggestions to prep that proverbial battlefield? Thanks so much for your advice.

SoldierDad

[bluerain]

Well, I think that you need to think about what the potential consequences of her breaking the boundary might be.

I think that maybe you could tell her that you wont share her, and then request transparency, access to her emails, cell phone records, etc. if she does not want to do that, you will pursue legal sep as soon as you return in March. At which point, she will lose her dependants benefits, and you will seek custody of your sons in the ensuing divorce.

Of course the danger here, is she agrees to it, and picks up a little prepaid phone to do her A talking on. But it may just be the best that you can do right now.

Soldierdad, what are you doing for YOU right now? Are you sleeping enough, eating enough? Are there changes that you could be making to make yourself a better husband/father/person? Maybe you could be researching the roadtrip with the boys? I just hate to think of this consuming you, I know exactly how hard this is. You need something positive in your life right now. Do you pray? I didnt until this started happening to my marriage, now 2 years later, I still do.

[SoldierDad]

Also, I am thinking ahead here. What are some good replies to her saying things like:
"this is your fault this happened-you pushed me away"
"I told you I filed for separation, so I can do whatever I want"-NOT TRUE by the way
"We have had problems for so long, I just can't take it anymore"
"I don't love you anymore"
"you made me do this"
"I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt anymore"
"This is what I want, nothing you can do or say will ever change that"

I am just trying to be ahead of her, so that I don't erupt, and say hurtful things back at her-I don't want to play that game. I want to do this right. Thoughts?

SoldierDad

[SoldierDad]

Blue, as you can probably imagine-being deployed, I am EXTREMELY busy. I have over 70 Soldiers in my charge, I am taking College classes online, working out, Viewing DB, playing video games, talking with my boys-friends-family. I try to stay very busy. No, I don't sleep well, but I just discovered Melatonin, which helps me fall asleep-doesn't KEEP me asleep, but gets me there. I sleep between 5-7 hours a night, which is normal for me. Her cell is through her work-so can't take that away. W needs car to get to work-15 miles away. I honestly don't "think" she wants a D. She has said she doesn't love me, fell out of love with me a long time ago, I will never change etc. I think that is her DGF and the fog talking, but I may be wrong. The big change I have to continue to work on is this: I can't control ANYONE except ME. Also, to NOT do everything for someone, don't always be there to catch them, and don't support bad behavior.

[SoldierDad]

I also forgot, she has told me that she felt "smothered". I think that comes from me doing everything for her. I would make her a tea before she woke up in the am. I would take her a muffin/tea for breakfast at her work-every day that I was there. I put the gas in her car, bought her basically whatever she wanted-including a BMW 5 months before I deployed. We bought our first home together 2 years ago, and she has told me that she can walk away from our home anytime. I find that hard to believe, she comes from a poor family, and her lifestyle would be cramped. Later, she will tell me that she WON'T move, that I need to find a place to stay-she is going to fight for the house. She is reaching for straws as far as what she is getting vs what she is ENTITLED to. She also thinks she will be getting a large amount of $$ for CS. I have researched this, and now know that Texas has laws that say I must give her 25% of my GROSS income, minus SINGLE rate taxes, and healthcare. Which works out to a whopping $1,300. Do I tell her this? Or just keep that nugget for the divorce, if we go there. My boys both want to stay in the M home-they LOVE their schools, friends etc. Thanks.

[bluerain]

1: Im sorry that you feel that way.
2: Thats not how the military sees it, and I hope that you dont plan on keeping your benefits.
3: I understand that you are frustrated, and have been for a long time.
4: I understand that you feel that way.
5: Im sorry that you feel that way.
6: I understand that you dont want to hurt anymore.
7: I understand that you feel that way.

You dont need to argue or defend yourself, or apologize, just validate her. Im sure that most of those lines would just be WAW script, but if she did sincerely mean any of them- which she might, its important that you acknowledge what she thinks are her feelings. It is totally possible that none of those things are true, and that she is just rewriting your history of the marriage to suit her needs right now. Its also possible that while you havent been around to remind her otherwise, she has legitimately convinced herself that these things are true- which is another reason to validate.

I think that very often people are so focused on how much they are hurt that they forget that sometimes, the WAS did struggle for a long time. Not that it justifies any A, or abandoning your marriage, but I think that not acknowledging the other side of the story can be a mistake.

Dont engage her in an arguement, you always stay calm and in coltrol. If it starts to escalate, leave the conversation, leave the room, tell her that you will come back when you can be calm.

[SoldierDad]

I think the thing I am having a hard time grasping is the understanding that I need to show her. It seems to go against everything I have known. I just want to shake her, and wake her up. I think it is important to validate those things she says by just agreeing with her, and showing that I am listening. I am neither agreeing or disagreeing, instead I am just acknowledging her feelings. This stuff is so hard. I really am a soft hearted man, I always have been. I want my marriage back, I want my family back, I want my wife back. I know the W part isn't up to me completely, but I am going to do what I have ton to try. Another one of my concerns that I have is this: I don't want to come across as a doormat to her, if she decides to come back. I don't want her to think that this is acceptable behavior if I ever have to deploy again. I guess that's where the boundaries come into play huh? I'm getting this stuff slow but sure!!!

[bluerain]

I know, its all counterintuitive, but it works. If you are consistent and firm in your boundaries, you wont be a doormat.

It is hard, but you need to be working on getting you to a point where you are strong and healed enough to be ok no matter what happens. It takes us all a little while to get these things.