It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

Last few days all has been fine. I've had bad days and good days.

Tonight D13 calls to talk and after a few minutes says W wants to talk.

W says she has an answer to tax issues (she originally wanted to file with me but I've been playing hell getting my student loans in order so the gov won't take the tax money - recent R issues being what they are, I've fallen behind and am just now trying to reorganize things). She stated that I "wouldn't like" her solution.

Knowing full well she meant D, I said no. I told her flat out that she will have to file and serve me and that I won't participate in the end of the M by just signing the paperwork. It isn't what I want.

She wants the earned income tax credit and needs money pronto so she wants the D over with so she can file alone. Apparently, this is the only way she can be guaranteed the full money. I still said no.

She brought up that I benefited from past taxes and that I at one point agreed to do whatever she wanted. That was earlier and I've since changed my mind.

Her response was to say since I have no legal right to the girls (I'm not the biological father) that she will completely withhold them from me forever. That if I won't sign the D papers in time for her to file taxes (she's getting an H&R block loan in Dec) I'm not acting like a father and shouldn't have any right to them.

I still said no. I wasn't going to be bullied into it. She started getting heated and I eventually hung up on her.

D13 calls back crying for 2 seconds, says "I'll miss you." and hangs up.

W calls back, still ranting and when I couldn't get a word in I hung up again.

She calls back again and my mother answers and has to hang up when W won't quit ranting.

I'm not sure whether she'll really withhold DDs from me, but she's not the same person I married. I realize her situation and I sympathize, but This is kind of twisted.

I sent this email to hopefully diffuse her panic:

I'm sorry that you're upset.

Please realize that I've changed my mind due to a lot of thinking and a lot of advice from others who have gone through similar situations.

Also, divorce in colorado takes a LOT longer to complete than in wyoming. There would not be time anyway.

A potential compromise may be a legal separation. I may consider that, but after your threats I feel that you are not very trustworthy. I know that I agreed to one thing earlier, but was in a completely screwed up state of mind at that time and had illusions that things might be worked out by now. I was also in a great deal of pain and didn't know anything about the situation other than how hurt I felt. I can see that in your mind I'm only out to hurt you and that I'm being selfish.

Think about the separation. I'm not sure how long that takes to go through the legal system. It may not be quick enough. I will work harder to contact the loan companies to ensure that taxes won't be withheld. If I can do that, I will go down on the 3rd to file the taxes.

I am also sorry that I hung up on you. I didn't do it out of anger. I didn't want a long argument and didn't feel like I deserved to be threatened and abused. It wasn't going to get anywhere, so I chose to remove myself from the conversation. If you felt I did it to be cruel, then I apologize.


Any advice or comments at this late hour would be appreciated. Thanks...

[TooLateForMe]

got this in reply

Thank you, I don't want to be so nasty to you but I don't want to feel trapped either. We can talk more about that later. I will be open to listen to you but I do know that I'm done and I don't have any idea what you are holding onto.

Every time she says she's "done" I want to say the most hurtful, damaging things to her. I don't want to hear or see that again. I'm about to lose it and do something vicious in response to that.

[Lotus]

You toned her down. if you get vicious the argument will start again. She is willing to listen to you. Just stay reasonable.

[bluerain]

After 9 years, Im sure that she knows exactly how much it bothers you when she says "Im done". You were being reasonable, and she tried to engage you... dont give in.

Also, I think that it is reprehensible that she is doing this to those girls. She is trying to use them to hurt you.

I think that my only advice for tonight would be calm down, and step away. You apparently diffused the situation, she responded favorably (not missing the chance to remind you that shes done, of course), let it go for tonight.

[TooLateForMe]

Thanks, I needed that. Wrote a long, "why I'm holding on" speech that I'll hold off on sending. It probably will only fuel the fire, so I'll let it go.

[bluerain]

Why dont you just hold onto that, it can be your reminder when you feel like giving into your emotions and reacting in a way that isnt healthy.

[TooLateForMe]

Woke up angry and ready to do or say anything mean or damaging. I'm holding back, but I'm concerned about what she will do next. I have a lot of my things at her apt. She could easily destroy or throw away my stuff. The issue with the girls could be resolved eventually but she may do something rash.

Who is this person?

[Lotus]

A lack of money makes people do desperate things. You need to separate your feelings from her threats. She is saying these things because she is desperate. Can you give her any financial help? She is grasping at straws.

[bluerain]

Hi Mark, its ok to be angry right now. Dont let it make you do something that you wont be proud of. Its Your emotion, that means that You are in charge of it, not the other way around.

Has she mentioned destroying your things?

[TooLateForMe]

Destroying stuff has come up in the past, but usually in the heat of an argument. Considering her state of mind over the last few months, I wouldn't discount it at all.

We have an appointment w/ H&R block thursday. I'm taking some things home afterward. Who knows what her reaction will be as the big screen tv will be one of the things and maybe the computer. Her objection to that previously was that she has had to babysit my stuff for so long and it's unfair to take the valuable/useful stuff and not all the rest.

My objection to that attitude is that I was just threatened w/ the loss of my kids, so she can deal. Why should I trust her w/ the expensive stuff or respect her indignations. She demonstrated crass and ruthless behavior, so she can spend some of the tax money she so deserves on a new tv and to fix her broken computer.

On the other hand, this is the first contact w/ her in almost a month and I want to project the best attitude possible. Calm, assertive, confident, etc. Maybe even throw in some 180s like not reacting to obnoxious behavior or snapping when irked.

Any concrete advice would be welcome.