Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Ok, I have another scenario to throw out there. What if, she is not having EA, PA of any kind? I mean, I believe she is-everything points to that. What if, she really just wants a divorce? She has said in the past, that she doesn't need a man in her life, and that she would be just fine by herself-Her M was alone for 35 yrs. I think she looks at her M, and sees her M made it ok. I dunno, I am just trying to figure all of this out. Thoughts?

SolderDad

[Super Girl]

She may not be having an EA or a PA, and you're right, she might just want a divorce. However, that is her choice. All you can do is work on you. If you do it right, it will be YOUR choice whether you still want her.

[SoldierDad]

SG, you are right. I have got to get past this mind F#$%, about what she is doing, where she is at, who she is with etc. I am getting better at that, but when I find out she has gone out, it just eats at my soul, and I begin to feel sorry for myself-"why me", "how can she do this to ME", "what was so bad, that you had to do this" etc. It's all a viscious cycle, that I have got to get control of. I'm workin' on me!!!

SoldierDad

[SoldierDad]

Also, I just want to add that I think it is sad that my W, who is almost 40, is going out to bars, and clubs sowing her wild oats-or whatever it is she is doing. I see women like that all the time, and I feel sorry for them, now MY W is doing something that I despise, and feel empathy for. One of my F friends told me that she is going to get real tired of doing that stuff, but I just don't see it, she has been steadily increasing her time out since Aug. I dunno, maybe I am thinking too much. I think I read somewhere about cake eating, and how once they can't have their cake, they begin to come to their senses-any truth to that? Also, if she is only going to come back to me for what I can "offer", or "give", her, I'm not sure I want someone like that in my life-does that make sense?

[bluerain]

Makes perfect sense. Thats something that some of us eventually begin to see, that we dont want people like that in out lives. It is sad, but its her choice.

Sad girl is totally right about your options if she is NOT having an A. The whole point of this, not matter what is going on with her, is for you to heal and cope and learn to be a better H. Where she is at the end of all of that remains to be seen.

The whole thing about cake eating is that she has you, who fulfills her needs for support, and consistency, and she has these other misadventures to fulfill her needs for adventure and loser-dom apparently. You would be letting her cake eat if you let her have an A, or act like a 21 year old with no kids, and continue to support and fund it.

We disagree on exposure of A's a lot on here, personally, I exposed my H's, and I wouldnt change a thing. I am pro exposure, if she is doing something that she cant be honest about, maybe she shouldnt be doing it. But really, thats not a decision that you have to make right this second.

[SoldierDad]

Wow, I wish I would have found this place sooner!!! You guys are the best. Ok, I have another question: Is there a way, to establish a boundary, about her going out clubbing, staying out late etc? I'm not sure if that is even a good idea, and I have no idea if it is even possible. Thoughts?

[bluerain]

You need to be careful about the boundaries that you choose. Dont set boundaries that you arent ready, or cant enforce. If you arent there to lock the deadbolt on her, you cant really tell her if you arent home by 11, dont bother coming home.

If you set boundaries that there are no consequences to breaking, it wont do much for helping her see that she needs to respect you. Certainly while you are there you could say that, but be ready for a tantrum to almost any boundary you set.

I think puppy says make no mistake- there will be wrath.

[SoldierDad]

Blue, I'm not sure of any of the boundaries right now. I know one for sure-OM. Besides that, I'm really not sure about any others, or what they could be. I am relatively new to the boundaries, if possible, can you tell me some of the most common that someone should establish? I know everyone's situation is different, but I would think that there is a common theme amongst WAS, that would apply to most LBS's. Thoughts? Thanks for your help.

SoldierDad

[bluerain]

You should set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids. If there is an OM, "My children are not to meet this person", "This person is not welcome in the Marital Home". "I am no longer funding your A with marital assets", then cut off the cell phone, internet, car payment, whatever she is using to contact him. "I will not share my wife" or "I will not live in an open marriage".

Those are some pretty common things that people do and say. Is there something that is a deal breaker for you? Something that you absolutely will not abide by? If there is something that you feel very strongly about that is a good boundary because its something that you wont waffle on.

I think that the most common thing that I think of is, dont set her up to lie to you. Which she might try to do. Validate her concerns- you can say that you understand why she feels something without agreeing that shes right.

[SoldierDad]

Blue, IF, and only IF she either continues with OM, or lies to me about ANYTHING-those are my deal breakers. How to tell if she is lying, or still seein OM, after I redeplpy? Not sure about this yet. - Thoughts? Also, I agree with the boundaries for myself and the boys. I don't think she hasn't brought OM to our home-she leaves the boys there EVERY TIME she goes out. I believe/think she is going to OM house/apt-hence the PI I hired. I will know more in 10 days or so, then I am going to need as much help as possible...