lost & confused, I know I'm chiming in late, but you sound a lot like me. (And BTW, I hope you're making a good recovery from your surgery and are feeling better.) As SillyOldBear said:
"....many of the themes of an SSM get repeated over and over. Other people will vent about their own marriages, and it seems like they're just venting, but as you've found, it's a good idea to read those posts because you'll find that you're not alone."
What I've done here, is copy and paste parts of other posts on this thread that I can relate to, and add my own comments.
lost & confused:
"I just remember him rarely approaching me, and when I approached him, at times (a lot of times) he would reject me."
Yes! The last time my H approached me for sex, and I felt like he really wanted it, was almost 3 months ago. He has approached me about 3 times since then but I've gotten the feeling he was only doing it to please me. I shouldn't complain (and I don't, to him - out loud, to him, I'll take what I can get) - but I feel kind of hurt when it seems like he's just trying to appease me. That hurts as much as when I approach him and he turns me down. I miss being pursued and desired. I've been lucky in the past - I've had men after me, had men hot for me, had men do downright crazy things out of lust for me. Maybe I got spoiled. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me now to be in this relationship with a LD man.
And the thing is, he wasn't always like this. Up until about 2 years ago, he was much more enthusiastic and pursued me and we had good sex on a frequent basis.
In my case, part of what happened is that I began work at a very demanding job. He's been upfront with me about his resentment of this - when I work late in the evenings, he resents doing a lot of the evening chores, and then I come home and want to have fun (i.e., be sexual.)
But it's good that he's told me this, at least he's given me something to work with. He also told me that he went to the doctor last week to have his testosterone levels checked, but has not gotten the results yet. (Last time we tried to ML, it was unsuccessful, and right afterwards, he said he might go to the doctor. I encouraged this [subtly, I hope].) So if he really did go to the doctor, and if he tells me the result, that will be more information to work with.
I like my job and do not especially want to change jobs, but if that's what it takes, I will look for something else. I cannot afford to quit working altogether. We need the money, and I need the health insurance. And frankly, I know when I do leave this job that I like, I'll feel resentment towards him. (He says, "You don't have to change jobs," but I'm not sure what else I can do. He won't change. The job won't change. I'm stuck in the middle. Either way I lose something - either the man I love, or the job I like. I've got two bad choices here.)
"For the most part, our marriage has been good. We have a lot of fun together (both have a crazy sense of humor) and share a lot of the same values."
Yes, this. This is why we're still together. We're both kind of quirky and intellectual and interested in weird things. We'd both have trouble finding another partner who would be so perfect on a mental level.
DanceQueen:
"I think that in general, people who are HD and feel that they are missing out on sex, are actually missing out on intimacy. As you probably know, physical intimacy is only one type of intimacy. But the other types of intimacy can be much more meaningful than the physical, so if they are missing it can be more painful than if the physical is missing."
Yes, this is true of me. I remember when DH and I were living in different cities and spending only weekends together, we spent the WHOLE weekend together. We did domestic stuff in our own separate apartments during the week, and did fun stuff together all weekend long. Now a lot of weekends, we just do chores and errands and sometimes don't spend much time together. And like many men, he's addicted to TV. I feel like I can't compete with the TV.
SillyOldBear:
"I went through all that analysis you see above and more without ever asking her whether I was on the right track. By the time we really talked through our sex-starved marriage and why it was not OK, I had years of her reasons and thoughts in my head, and most of them weren't real. They were the reasoning I'd come up with to explain to myself why my wife was punishing me by freezing me out of our marriage bed--why did she hate me so much? What had I done to be rejected and despised?
She had actually been wondering, when she bothered to think about our lack of a sex life at all, what the big deal was and why I seemed to take a perfectly normal end of a sex life between two married people so personally."
Yes, I think this sounds like me. I get over-analytical and I know I've been coming up with some wrong reasons for his LD. I've thought it was my weight (it's not - he says not, and I believe him; plus I've been losing weight steadily since July). I've wondered if he had another woman. (He says he doesn't and I believe him. If he's lying, then he deserves an Oscar.) I've thought maybe our relationship was just fizzling out, maybe he was falling out of love with me and I might get dumped soon. (He keeps saying he loves me, I'll never lose him, this is a permanent relationship, this is forever, etc. If he was planning to dump me, why on earth would he make it harder for himself by saying these things?)
No - he and I have talked about it, and it's my job that he doesn't like. And quite frankly, I think this sucks. This is the only job I've ever had that I actually like.
It isn't perfect; and frankly I'd be happier if I didn't have such a heavy workload. But yanno, we're in a recession right now; I have good benefits, and it's going to be hard to find something else with as good benefits. I'll look for another job, but 1) it's not going to be easy or quick to find one and 2) to be honest, I'm kind of pissed off and resentful about having to.
Lost & confused:
"You are right that when one is feeling rejection you look for answers. I am a very analytical person and want to figure out why something is happening, fix it, and move on.
He, on the other hand, just stuffs his feelings....He said I was thinking about it too much. That could be true, but I didn't admit it. Even if it was, it still doesn't solve the problem. I should know by now not to talk to him when he is tired. It gets me no where. I was in the mood to ML and he wasn't. It brought back some of those old feelings of hurt and rejection."
Again, I'm very analytical and he isn't as analytical as I am, so I'm in a similar situation, l & c. I want to try and solve the problem, and I do that by talking it out, but he might be right - I might think TOO much. And I know there's a real possibility of wearing him out by incessant out-loud analyzing, so I try to keep a lid on it.
"I have to admit, I told him that I was very lonely and that I didn't want to live out the rest of my life that way. I guess it was a threat. Not a good thing, I know."
I haven't outright said this to my DH, but I did once tell him when a good-looking man at work told ME that I looked good. I'm almost 46, but I look very damn good for my age (even if I do say so myself) and my work takes me to a courthouse frequently, where there are attractive, intelligent men all dressed up in suits....I'm a healthy straight female, I notice men, and I enjoy it when they notice me. I've been very tempted by some attractive attorneys.
It really feels awful to wonder if my sex life is over forever at the age of 46. I was hoping this might not happen for another 20 years or so. When my DH doesn't approach me for sex and turns me down when I approach him, I feel rejected and wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder if a man will ever be hot for me again. Then I go to court and get some admiring glances, and I feel better about myself and my attractiveness. But I don't want to cheat on my DH. I wish I could get that validation as an attractive woman from him, but I get so little from him that I'm really hungry for it, and I grab the crumbs I get in these admiring glances from attorneys at the courthouse.
SillyOldBear:
"I did fantasize about other women....When I felt like my wife didn't love me anymore, the fantasies were elaborate."
Yes, I find I'm doing this, too. I can have some very involved fantasies!
"....it all starts with being honest and insisting that what you want matters. You are not crazy. You are not abnormal. You are not being pushy. You can't have everything you want every moment, but you also can't be told that what you want isn't important."
Please keep telling us this! In fact, I should print that sentence out and tape it to my mirror or something.
