Wife probably has BPD, I will never have her back

[brknheart]

I am pretty sure my wife has borderline personality disorder, given the various signs ive missed over the years and also the way she has been acting during our separation. She has made it clear that we are done months ago and I found out she is trying to date another man. Given what ive read, dealing with a BPD person is very difficult, even if that person admits they have the problem. My WAS of course thinks nothing is wrong with her (I didn't confront her about BPD) and she doesn't need counseling trough our separation/divorce. After learning about her wanting to date, which we agreed to wait till the divorce is final, I know I will never have "my" wife back again. Being the caring person that I am though, I still feel like I want to help her. I know I cant, so its another part of detachment I need to go through. As most people here know, its very hard, especially when I keep asking myself how can someone I loved so much do such a horrible things to me and others that are close to me. Like most BPDs, she has locked the compartment in her brain that contained everything about me and threw away the key.

Has anyone here dealt with a S with BPD? What was the outcome?

[ClingingToHope]

What's the difference between BPD and MLC?

[Lostforwords]

Chope,

There are a lot of comparable symptoms between BPD and MLC and they are very often confused for one another. The bigger difference with BPD is that it is there for a lot longer and the chances of coming out of it without counseling are slim to none. In MLC a shocking event may cause the problem and then another shocking event (say spouse moving on) may wake them out of their funk. Where in BPD the second shock usually has little or no affect. Usually BPD has an associated disorder like extreme narcissism or attachment disorder.

In all the reading I have done, while MLC is a mental problem....it is nowhere near the mental problem BPD is. There are boards around on the net for spouses of BPD people and I would venture that a divorce rate follows the disorder in the tune of 80-90%. A big indicator of BPD is the spouse referring to life as "walking around on eggshells" in that they can never seem to please their partner and are often highly criticized for everything. Usually another indicator for you is the family that acts differently when the BPD spouse isn't around....because it is the only time they can successfully relax. It is really hard to explain as most people see this behavior in their lives, but it is really extreme in it's actions.

[brknheart]

Good info Lostwords. I was blind to a lot of things over the years and its only after separating that I started remembering things my W has done. Anything that went wrong was always my fault, she was "never happy" in all the years we were married, she can shut people out of her life in a snap of the fingers. She has done this to her siblings and now she is doing this to me. While some cases of BPD are more extreme than others, its very true that a S cannot handle it most of the time. I think I was comfortable most of the time and just accepted it. It wasnt until after the separation that my friends and family started telling me how uncomfortable she made them at times and other things they have seen her act/do. My psychologist says she will never be happy...very sad. She comes from a messed up family, here is a quote that I heard on the show Criminal Minds the other day, touches on family values. After hearing this quote, it made me realize that she may have never been stable and loyal to our marriage.

So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.
Haniel Long -

[ClingingToHope]

I'm not a doctor so I can't tell the difference. They still sound remarkably similar so you have to battle it the same way, I guess. Time, space, patience. I walked around on eggshells for three years, but I'm guessing it's just MLC.

I was out with a friend the other night and I had another friend -- a female -- with me. If my W files for D I would ask this lady out. Right now I'm maintaining kind of an awkward friendship. I told my guy friend that she's 180 degrees different than W. She's outgoing, social, jokes a lot.

He said my W never smiled and never seemed happy and that I'd be crazy to go back to her. All I could say is 13 years is an awful lot of history to just walk away from.

How do you care for someone who blames there unhappiness on you? That's the question I haven't found an answer for.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Making that diagnosis without a real professional examination and evaluation is pretty dangerous.

It's perfectly acceptable to decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with the woman she is now. But I don't think it's fair to base it on an amateur psychiatric diagnosis.

[brknheart]

How do you care for someone who blames there unhappiness on you? That's the question I haven't found an answer for.

Your W sounds the same as mine. My WAS says she has never been happy in the 10 years we were married. Guess what, happiness comes from within, not from someone else. She is never going to be happy...

[Norseman05]

I'll do my best to help, since others have been helping me with my situation. And I'm qualified-a professional who deals with BPD daily. Here are my thoughts on the diff between MLC and BPD

MLC-short to mid range duration, previous normal functioning, most relationships not affected, functioning in most other areas of life (work, play, etc) is minimally affected. Usually has a definitive end point.

BPD-longer duration, functioning has usually been impaired from late childhood on, occurs most often in females, affects every relationship they've ever had (which are usually intense, and then short-lived once the other person gets tired of the mood swings and intensity), impairs other areas of life (they get in trouble at work for whatever reason), has other impulsive behaviors present (shopping, sex, eating, etc).

BPD is described clinically as someone that is on the borderline between neurosis (extremely anxious) and psychosis (not in touch with reality). Thus the origin of the term, and it is very descriptive of the individual. Individuals suffering from BPD are actually very interesting at first glance. They make great conversationalists at parties, great lovers, and interesting people in general. However, over time, they wear on your nerves with their alternating demanding and then threatening. They have an intense fear of abandonment, yet push most people away due to lack of intimacy skills (thus the reason they make great sex partners but terrible long term mates).

Hope this helps.

Norse

[shrinky]

how long have you been married , I have never heard of this but it sounds very difficult to have to deal with,I think my husband is going thru midlife . We both lost our fathers 4 months and 2 days apart last year and it wasnt until he had left he tells me he has been looking for another job. We are 48 and I thought we had it made I love my husband very much and still believe in my marriage , how are you coping if you believe she has this problem and can she get help for it . Wish you the best

[shrinky]

I know what you mean they look at you and say I havent loved you for awhile and its like wait a minute you seemed so happy just days ago. I never seen this coming I felt like somebody droped me in the middle of the ocean without a lifejacket and left me to sink! I just want to understand how my husband can still want to have sex with me if he says he doesnt love me anymore.I am so confused!