Can I save my marriage?

[robx]

I get that, but I'm not involving myself with another guy, its too soon for one and I know that would be detrimental to our marriage. If there is OW which I know there isn't I would not give him the time of day. There are many of people on here that can forgive and forget, but I'm not one of them. I have been cheated on my whole life and I made myself a pact when I married H that I would not put up with it anymore, and therefore will not. We live in a very small town. There is absolutely no way he has OW. I would have heard by now, or I would have seen them. My SIL would have mentioned something for sure. I know my husband, and I know whats going on. Thanks SMQ for dropping in an offering your opinion and advise. I appreciate it. I will however take you up on the second part. I'm going to start playing up his curiosity a bit. The flowers worked out perfectly. Now if I can only figure out who actually sent them, so I can thank them for sending them at the perfect time! Ha Ha, just kidding. I do want to find out though. Its a mystery. But it sparked some jealousy in my H. I'll go for plan B towards the end of your post and see where it takes me. Thanks again!

Famous last words....

Never say NEVER, it will bite you in the ass when you least expect it. Why would your SIL have to know? Do you think he would tell her? For what purpose? It can't be happening while he's "working"? When people want to keep a secret, they'll do what it takes to keep a secret.

I hope you're right britt but sometimes planning for the worst is a smart thing to do.

[Steve McQueen]

Be realistic. Never discount the possibility of another person involved when a marriage goes south. Name one thing that would be more enticing to leave your home and your children?

You live in a small town. You would have heard by now; You would have seen them?

Naive. there have been backdoors since the begining of time. cunning men and women have figured out a greater purpose for them. And if she is married, nobody would have a clue, nobody would have seen, IT IS A GAME BRITT. its called HOW LONG CAN YOU CHEAT WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT. its a very popular game too, even in small towns, you just dont play it so you dont know how the rules go. Dont discount the possibility.

Then again, maybe your husband has serious issues. how long has he been unwilling to except responsibility (runs alway from responsibility)? does he have a history of depression? alcoholism, drugs? is he one of those people who ignores his family and life to play online video games all night? does he have a online porn addiction? oh he likes hockey, does he really get off on sweaty guys? or is that a coverup for something else? was your marriage really "wonderful" as you say? Explore his past and present issues for us so we can better understand.

Regarding Part II. and this goes for sad girl too. unless it makes you happy, I am not recommeding you find some guy in a bar and get on your back and spread your legs. unless that will make you happy. However, Are you into magic? acting? I recommend illusion and creating a leading role in which you the character are full of mystery, jealousy, create clues that lead to deadends (making them constantly wonder what you are up to). Base your character on your favorite walk away spouse. If you have noticed on this board the walk away spouse holds all the power and control in the relationship.

here read this on http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1882269&page=1 guy split, left his wife and children, is probably having an affair and the wife is hanging on, receiving crumbs for attention, trying to figure out what to do while the husband is off doing who knows what. The day this girl dumps her husband and either finds herself a new 'buddy' or creates the illusion that one is in the picture and she is getting sexed right and left is the day she takes control and the power back in this relationship and can decide if this is something SHE wants to make work.

I will be back later with more taughts on the subject. For now I am going to leave you with the idea that you need to get out and find a job ASAP. part-time job opposite of our husband schedule so he can watch the kids for you while you are at work. Nothing says I am moving on with my life then when a SAHM goes out and finds a job and doesnt discuss it with her husband.

[praying_in_GA]

Britt, I am with Steve here. If you don't want to date then don't, but create a scene that makes him wonder! Men like the chase...and they like it even better if there is someone he can race against.

[Lll54]

Well when he stopped by the other night I was in the middle of making a music cd for the truck. He asked if he could have it and flirted a bit with me. I said no! I just made it! He asked again. I told him if I have a minute one day I'll copy it for him. So I get out of work today and the bugger sniped it! I don't know if he REALLY REALLY needed it ( I beg to differ) or if its his way of playing this stupid flirting game. Do I just ignore it?

Also if anybody read grrr's post today I sometimes wonder if that is my husband. He is a very sensitive touchy feely guy who needs to feel love. Always has been. From those who know me, anyone think maybe that could be my situation? With all the hints he drops I wonder sometimes if he's looking for something back from me. I got to thinking the other night when he sat in our living room and told me he misses home...was he waiting for something in return? I often wonder had that been me in his shoes I would have felt like an idiot had I said something like that to get no response, like I gave him. Ugh. Opinions?

[TrentC]

Well when he stopped by the other night I was in the middle of making a music cd for the truck. He asked if he could have it and flirted a bit with me. I said no! I just made it! He asked again. I told him if I have a minute one day I'll copy it for him. So I get out of work today and the bugger sniped it! I don't know if he REALLY REALLY needed it ( I beg to differ) or if its his way of playing this stupid flirting game. Do I just ignore it?

No, treat him like an adult.

"I can't find the CD that I made the other day. If you took it before I had a chance to make a copy for you, you should know that I don't find that kind of thing cute or funny; it was kinda immature and petty, and not very attractive."

[Gnosis]

Britt, you posted the following to my thread:

Wow good for you for putting yourself out there. I think I need to do the same. My H makes all the contact and is such a sensitive man I think its about time I do something small like you did. I don't know if you read grrr's new post today, if not, go read it. I think i may make sense it some cases. As it did in yours today.

Sweetie, you're grasping at straws here and are looking for excuses. My sitch and yours are not the same because:

1) My W is still at home, your H moved out.
2) I, the man, initiated the contact. It's not your job to do it.
3) Your H is playing cat and mouse with you. My W is not.

You've been told here what will work but fear keeps you from doing it. Don't be afraid. We know what we're talking about. I know you don't and won't date. I accept this and both respect and commend you for it. However, there is NOTHING wrong with starting to act mysterious and assume the role that there is someone after you. The seeds of doubt have already been planted in your H's mind. Your living in a small town is an excellent environment to execute the plan.

As for someone telling you about the OW. FORGET ABOUT IT!!! You hear me? When I was in my 20's I lived in a small town where this guy was screwing around on his wife. Everybody knew about it except his wife -- heck even I knew about it. NOBODY breathed a word to her until after the D. Not her friends, not her family. Why? They didn't want to get involved because he had political influence. ---> Your H being a police officer pretty much guarantees people's silence. No one will part their lips for fear of retribution. People aren't stupid, you don't cross a cop because cops stick together. It would be suicide for anyone to do this in a small town.

IF you want to flush out your H :
Playing the WAS game is the only way to go. Give him more suspicion to believe there is someone fishing around for your attention. Don't pay attention to him. Act as if you're in love with another man. If he is indifferent then the results are pretty damning that he is over you. If he comes back to you then you play hard to get like I told you. He has misbehaved and needs to be punished to learn his lesson that you are not a fool to be toyed with. Only then will he gain the necessary respect for you. You take him back to easy and without consequences then he has not learned his lesson and will do this again whenever he feels like it.

Do you think I and others would dare you to do something that would be detrimental to you? ABSOLUTELY NOT! This forum is for people who wish to save their marriages not destroy others.

[praying_in_GA]

Well said Gnosis!!

I agree with the 'keep your mouth shut' when it comes to officers. There are too many things police officers (even the good ones) can do to make your life hell. I am not saying he IS doing something, but he COULD and get away with it easier than you think.

I know you have the strength to do this. I know how much you love him and you think these games are stupid. They are not games, they are a lifestyle choice. It took me less than a week to realize that but when I did it was like WOW. If he really is done with you and he walks further away then you have taken steps to be happy and healthy without him. If not, you will be a better person with him.

[Lll54]

Well. Just one of those days. I think these days come around when my boys are gone. I feel that emptiness, sadness, loneliness everytime H has the kids. Today is day 2 of 5 without them. It is so hard. I did not decide to have children to only see them part time. This is so unfair. I have a 20 month old baby who doesn't even know how to say mom or dad yet and there is a chance that I won't be there the first time he does. I know I'll be okay without H, its not seeing the boys everyday that I can't seem to be okay with.

[Gnosis]

I hear you and my heart goes out to you. As much as you don't want to hear this right now I'm going to say it anyway: This is your opportunity to Get A Life. Go out and get busy doing SOMETHING. Make yourself happy because only YOU can. No one else can do this for you. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!

[Steve McQueen]

I feel that emptiness, sadness, loneliness

This is so unfair.

you can cry about it or you can do something about it. whats it gonna be?