Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

And I know that his leaving and stuff aren't about me and being fair. What I was questioning as fair was his talk about maybe working things out and then in the next breath saying he was going to continue living with OW. His mixed messages, they are not fair to me.

[Mystik]

H visited DS at my place for the evening because DS was having some bad asthma problems. At one point we were sitting on the couch and H said to me, "I know you had said something about talking without DS around but that never did happen." I asked if that was something he was still interested in doing and he said, "In talking? Yes."

Since DS is having asthma issues I wasn't able to go to my sister's, going to try and do that tomorrow instead.

[Coach]

And I know that his leaving and stuff aren't about me and being fair. What I was questioning as fair was his talk about maybe working things out and then in the next breath saying he was going to continue living with OW. His mixed messages, they are not fair to me.

No kidding they are not fair to you, so why do you keep letting him treat you that way? You matter, your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and being. What is it you want? Read up on boundaries, then we will call the meeting to order and you will say what needs to be said.

You only are responsible for yourself.

Cheers

[Mystik]

I am pretty sure that next weekend is when I will try to talk to H. I have a counseling session on Monday so I can talk with her about the outcome of the talk, especially if I have trouble dealing with it.

[Mystik]

Talked with my sister last weekend, she is glad that I am reaching the point where enough is enough and I want to say something to him instead of just sitting back and not doing anything. She feels I should give him an ultimatum, tell him he has a week to move out of the place he has with her and tell him if he can’t do it then I want him to start the divorce paperwork. I don’t see the purpose of giving him an ultimatum unless my goal is to push him away even farther, which it is not. I think I’ll just tell him how I feel, and that if a reconciliation is what he wants it would be better to do it now than to wait until the lease is up at the end of May because if he chooses to wait, he runs the risk of me moving on. Every day that he goes home to her is another day I hurt, and another day I struggle to close myself off from the hurt he causes, and therefore close myself off from him. I have hurt so much already, how much hurt can a person take before they stop loving the person who hurts them?

It is a hard pill to swallow, knowing that your husband is off building a new life and new family with another person after promising you he would love you forever and would never leave and saying you are the love of his life. Now all I have to look forward to is a life of solitude and a whole pile of shattered dreams. Now and then that pill chokes me, and the past couple days were choking days.

ETA: Just need to decide if I should text him now, wait and e-mail him Monday at work or casually suggest it next time I see him that we can talk next Sunday if he wants.

[Serenity13]

(((Mystik)))

I said it before and I will say it again - "Don't say any of this, do your 180's, GAL, act "as if" - Take care of you and your son"

Ultimatums don't work

Pursuing doesn't work

Begging, pleading, crying, moping around, raging - None of these emotions will work in your favor...

He needs space - Give him the space he has asked for...

Yes he runs the risk of losing you however that is the risk he is apparently willing to take right now.

Yes it sucks - It sucks a big ole pile of donkey s**t but it is what it is right now.

I to know the feeling of your spouse living with another woman and it is so painful at times, I feel like I can't breathe -

But I do...I take that breath each and every morning because I chose not to allow him to break me.

I chose to not allow outside circumstances to define me - I define me - Not him - Me.

[Mystik]

I am a bit torn on if I should even talk to him or not, but he himself said that he is still interested in talking. I don't plan to give him any ultimatums, but I just want to let him know where I stand because he has let me know where he stands plenty of times. Why should I just sit and let him him do all the talking and make all those decisions about our marriage by himself and not have my turn to say my piece?

But at the same time, I know that whatever I say won't change anything so is it even worth my time and effort and the hurt I know is likely to come? However, I have sat on this idea for weeks and it still feels like a good idea, so I'm not making a rash decision to talk. And everytime I pull back he gets all worrid and pesters me to know what's wrong. And I don't know if he realizes that he is running the risk of losing me, he may just think that I will always be there.

And I do realize that even if I do talk to him, it doesn't mean my internal turmoil and hurt are going to end. It doesn't mean the dreams that I still have of him coming back to me are going to stop. I'm like, "Hello, heart? He's been gone a year, he is not coming back. Stop hoping for it so much, stop making me dream of it at night and have the pain refreshed each morning when I wake up alone." So whether I talk to him or not, I am still the one on the losing end in this situation.

[Serenity13]

(((Mystik))))

You are only on the losing end of this situation if that is how you choose to look at things.

You can allow him to make the decisions or you can validate his concerns as well as let him know where you stand...

My H wants a divorce (which I don't believe in) and when he goes off ranting and raving like the lunatic he has become, I let him know the following...

I understand why you feel this way however my answer is no.
I am sorry you feel this way however my answer is no.
I can see how this makes you feel however my answer is no.

And everytime I pull back he gets all worried and pesters me to know what's wrong.

My point exactly -
Let him see you moving on -
Let him see what life will be like without you -
Let him see that you are not going to break -
Let him see you being defined by you and not him.

Don't tell him anything is wrong - Because all you are doing is feeding the monster (as I call it) - He is looking for a justification for his own guilt and by doing this, you are handing it to him on a silver platter.

As I was told early on - Make him own his own s**t.

[Mystik]

My heart has a manufacturer's defect. There is no off switch so I can't stop it from loving and therefore can't stop the pain that loving causes. I demand a refund.

[Mystik]

Yesterday when I dropped off DS to him, I left immediately and as is my habit when alone in the car, had my radio turned up loud. Less than two minutes after I left I noticed H had called, but ignored it figuring if it was important he would leave a voice mail. When I got home he had left a message on my machine saying he didn't know what was wrong with me but he hoped it wasn't serious, and he had tried calling me a bunch of times right after I left but whatever and the message ended. I yelled at my machine "Don't you get it? You are my problem. I am tired of hurting each time I see you." I just ignored his call and went about the rest of my day. This morning he called to see what time I had to get DS, left a message and when I called back about ten minutes later he commented that he was getting worried, I wasn't returning calls then asked what time I was planning to get DS. So we coordinated that and I did what I had to do.

Get to the meeting place same time as him, and noticed immediately as he's getting DS out of the car DS was upset. DS practically stomped over to the car, opened the door and climbed into my lap, completely ignoring H. Then I saw the tramp in the front seat of H's car and that got me upset. H tried to give DS a hug, but DS moved to the other side of the car to avoid him and H slammed the car door, walking back to his car and leaving, obviously po'd. I talked to DS and asked why he was upset, he said it was because tramp came with them and he didn't want me to see her and get upset and cry. I told DS that yes, it did hurt my feelings to see Daddy with tramp because I loved him and it made me sad he didn't want to be with me anymore but that it was not DS's job to protect me and worry about my feelings, it was my job to protect to him and he should not worry about me being upset. He settled down, then asked to go buy a toy so that broke the levity a bit and we headed home. DS asked if I knew that Daddy was upset because he called me yesterday because his car died and he wanted me to give my car energy to his car. So, what? Did he decide to bring his tramp along with him today just to try and hurt me for not jumping to answer his call yesterday? I told DS that Daddy needs to realize I won't always be there to rescue him when he needs help and DS didn't try to continue the conversation.

During the drive I was trying hard to not cry, and it was hard to breathe I was in so much pain. I got home the same time as my sister, she told me to get me and DS changed then come over for our brother's party, I said I wasn't sure and she told me it would be better for me to be over there instead of home alone, and I said at least home alone I can cry. She said I could cry over at her place. Yeah, like I'm going to ruin my baby brother's 30th birthday dinner by sitting alone, sobbing in the corner? I don't think so.

Got DS ready and sent him over, and now I'm going to take a shower and I have no idea what to do next. My first knee-jerk instinct was to text H and tell him he was a tool for doing this, and did he even realize it was having the tramp with them that got DS upset? But I know that wouldn't accomplish anything so I didn't. My second knee-jerk reaction was to text him saying I think it's time to go for a divorce, but again, that knee-jerk reaction would not accomplish much. I want to find H and wail at him and rage at him and pound my fists on his chest and tell him to stop being such a jerk and realize what he's doing to me, doing to DS, but that won't accomplish anything either. So I guess my only option left is to sit and sob my eyes out.