Over the Shock and GALing 6

[tryingtilDorR]

Thinker this is pretty cool. Just when you think there is no hope after a year of turmoil a light shines through.

Is this the first time you have heard in a long time that "there is a chance for M to survive" from her? Her comments about getting affection from you seem like a proxy for this.

[aliveandkicking]

Re-read your conversation. Sure seems obvious to me that you both were talking about physical affection. Whatever you do, don't be tentative. I think she wants to know she can lean on you emotionally and physically. I agree with Kalni, a touch, a gesture and then back off...see how that goes. More than anything, I think now you need to be confident and secure.

[hoosiermama]

Harville Hendrix.

[Energizer Bunny]

Wow. So nice to see that after so long some of the building blocks to a marriage may still be in there. Maybe in some cases they don't die...just hibernate.

Now I guess that you know they may be in there, the question is how do you wake them up?

[Thinker]

I went to the IC with Mrs. T this morning. After a lot of thought I decided that the chance to get more information and discuss the issues on the table was worth the risk of being ambushed.

And it wasn't an ambush. I do like the C. He is competent and straight and direct and to the point. He was fair, and equally concerned for my wellbeing as for hers. It is clear, however, that his goal is NOT to save the marriage, but is focused on the wellbeing of each of the individuals in it.

I'm still processing. No breakthroughs. A few salient points:

• Mrs. T is naturally completely consumed by her mom's worstening situation.
• Mrs. T formally requested that we postpone all discussions about D, separation, etc. She is clear that this is not a committment from her to the M, but she "just can't take any more loss in her life right now. I'm losing my mom, and I can't think about losing my home as well" (yes, she said "home", not my "marriage") She did not put a timeframe on it, but she needs to "not have to think about the R" right now.
• She is seeing my recent attempts to detach and distance myself (no physical contact, separate bedrooms,etc) as being proof that I am not and never will be an affectionate person. She is seeing it as me abandoning her in her time of need.
• She blames S7's growing inability to express his emotions and show affection on his "being just like you (me)". IMO this is the pot calling the kettle black, as she is the one who demands, but does not give affection, and who can not verbally express her own emotions.

I also talked to the C privately for a while. He is clearly trying to look out for me as well. He is open with his opinions:

• In our session he saw no committment from her to the M
• Unless she committs, there is no chance this will ever work
• I don't need this amount of rejection and negativity in my life.
• If I were to leave or initiate now, she would turn it into a point of blame and hatred for the rest of our (coparenting) relationship. She is already building this from the fact that I detached and started preparing to meet a mediator.
• He recommends that I stay with her, and stay as supportive as I can
• He recommended that in parellel I begin preparing mentally, emotionally, (and financially) for D, and that I set my own time and conditions and tell Mrs. T about it later (after her mom's death...)

So basically, the C told me: I can never be happy in this M and I deserve to be happy, but I can't do it now because of the situation, so I should follow the classic WAS action plan - prepare in silence, wait it out until the timing is more opportune, and then drop the bomb, announce that I am filing for d and walk away looking for a happier new life.


----

Emotionally I am torn in two. I can see the little girl inside of her who is in fearful anguish at being torn from her mother. I see her pain at what this is doing to her family. I want to take her in my arms and protect her and comfort her - and I think that right now this is what she wants as well.

But at the same time I know that our base situation is unchanged. She does not want me as her husband, and is only staying because it is emotionally easier than getting d'd. I also know myself. Staying close and supportive through this emotional period and through the holidays is going to draw me to her. By doing so, I am perpetuating my own cycle: attachment, pursuit, rejection, pain

[Kalni]

Thinker,
I've been reading your thread on and off so I maybe out of line here but, if you can be strong enough and comfort and support her thru this, you could "use" it as an opportunity for a break. Sometimes life gives us a push (hard one), if we get stuck on DB principles and motos we may miss our chance. Every case here is similar but so very differentat the same time. One of the worst things a man can do to his woman is "leave her alone" according to a great book I read (How to imporve your M without talking about it), it says it is actually THE worst thing you can do.

Apart from your M, it's the right thing to do when any person in our lives go thru this. I know I hold a HUGE resnetment when H failed to support me when my dad was fighting cancer last year, it made him look small in my eyes although I didnt request his support to trick him to reconcile with me. I thought it was the natural thing to turn to him after knowing my dad for so many years...

I know you need to protect yourself but maybe, just maybe, once more, you need to overcome yourself and do what feels to me as honorable.
Good Luck
K

[Coach]

Mrs. T is naturally completely consumed by her mom's worstening situation.
Mrs. T formally requested that we postpone all discussions about D, separation, etc. She is clear that this is not a committment from her to the M, but she "just can't take any more loss in her life right now. I'm losing my mom, and I can't think about losing my home as well" (yes, she said "home", not my "marriage") She did not put a timeframe on it, but she needs to "not have to think about the R" right now.
She is seeing my recent attempts to detach and distance myself (no physical contact, separate bedrooms,etc) as being proof that I am not and never will be an affectionate person. She is seeing it as me abandoning her in her time of need.
She blames S7's growing inability to express his emotions and show affection on his "being just like you (me)". IMO this is the pot calling the kettle black, as she is the one who demands, but does not give affection, and who can not verbally express her own emotions

I agree with Kalni. Lot's of opportunity here. What's your goal?

[Thinker]

Thinker,
I've been reading your thread on and off so I maybe out of line here but, if you can be strong enough and comfort and support her thru this, you could "use" it as an opportunity for a break. Sometimes life gives us a push (hard one), if we get stuck on DB principles and motos we may miss our chance. Every case here is similar but so very differentat the same time. One of the worst things a man can do to his woman is "leave her alone" according to a great book I read (How to imporve your M without talking about it), it says it is actually THE worst thing you can do.

Apart from your M, it's the right thing to do when any person in our lives go thru this. I know I hold a HUGE resnetment when H failed to support me when my dad was fighting cancer last year, it made him look small in my eyes although I didnt request his support to trick him to reconcile with me. I thought it was the natural thing to turn to him after knowing my dad for so many years...

I know you need to protect yourself but maybe, just maybe, once more, you need to overcome yourself and do what feels to me as honorable.
Good Luck
K

Thanks Kalni, Coach,

That's the path I have been on for almost a week now. Just before Thanksgiving I went to her and said "I know things have been strained between us and we are talking about D, but for right now, I want to put that all aside and support you as your husband. I am not going to push for visiting a mediator. I'd like you to move back into the bedroom with me. I want to hold you and comfort you and be the husband I want to be. If you wan't less you'll have to tell me so. We can pick up the discussions about our future later."

And that's what I have been doing since.

The only strain has been when my "being the husband I want to be" is more than she want's or can accept. I overstep, she pulls back and we adjust.

I think we can continue this for a while. It's what we agreed to do today.

[Coach]

"being the husband I want to be"

Be the husband she wants. No expectations, practice true giving and be true to yourself. This is a game changer.

[Thinker]

Be the husband she wants.

My challenge remains finding out what exactly that is.

The process is trial and error. "Being the husband I want to be" means trying without hesitation - just doing it. If she rejects it, ok, then I'll adjust.

(I have already had to "adjust" several times, and admittedly, the adjustments are not easy for me )

I can handle it.