Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Also, when I set the boundary for W, and let her know that I know about OM, should I present her with what proof-photos, video, name, etc? I know it is going to be an emotional time when this happens. Should I ask her to go somewhere away from boys, or do it in the home, with boys in home, but not present? The reason I ask that is, what if she becomes abusive in some way, or hysterical? I would need to have confirmation that I did nothing wrong, if authorities are called. Any thoughts on scenarios?

SoldierDad

[bluerain]

Hi soldierdad! Wow, this place got busy! I understand your concern about your distance. My H started his A while on TAD, or TDY I think you guys call it. I dont think that you need to use the evidence to confront her, but you should have them handy in case it gets to that. Im sure that shes not going to want to see herself doing these reprehensible things. But you should tell her that you have the proof. And you really need to document these things to help protect your retirement and your and your kids future benefits.

I wouldnt do it with your kids around either. It could get pretty ugly and they dont need to see it. Set up a hidden camera. Do you have a camcorder, or digital recorder? Charge up the batteries.

Also, Its not necessarily that the affair is a deal breaker, if its not for you, but it is unacceptable, and if she continues to do it, is that really a marriage that you want to be a part of?

Right now she is in a fog and only hard ball will work. Shes not thinking like normal people, (though she is thinking like a totally "normal" WAW), whether there is an A right now or not, she is thinking that you are the obstacle to her happiness, and when you are gone, life will be excellent. And its a totally unrealistic, fictional fantasy. You need to let her see that. Sorry if that was a little harsh.

She will be paying close attention, and you keep up your positive attitude and take good care of yourself.

[Greek]

I am by no means experienced in that arena - just know what I've read here - mostly from Mr. Puppy. But I think the answer must be no - you don't tell her how you know - just THAT you know. And then Puppy has a line that he throws out for the sh!tstorm that may follow (blaming you for snooping, denial, etc.) "W, we both know the truth and it is insulting to me and to yourself for you to carry on otherwise." Or something like that

And I'm thinking have that convo at home - and stay put. Don't leave. Keep the phone and your car keys/house keys on ya.

If your boys are home - which I'm thinking I would try to farm them out (movie, bowling, friends' house) but if they are home, if she erupts, cool headed Soldier Dad says "I'm going to keep my voice at a lower volume and be careful of what I say b/c I know our sons will never forget what they overhear today. " This will highlight her ranting. She'll either stop or carry on. That is up to here. You will be all poise and class.

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SD,

Hey, you're getting some GREAT advice here. Coach & Greek are THE go-to couple if you want to combine firm boundaries, tough love, and hardball legal stance. Not much I can add to what you've already been told here.

I did have a though ton the PI, though, since you said you could only afford two days. Is there a rhyme or reason behind the two days that you selected? I find with most affairs, there is a pattern, and a "rhythm" to them, and I'd hate to see you waste your money on two un-productive days. There are also some PIs who will go to work for you (based on availability) on an urgent phone call alert from you.

Anyway, if it were me and my money was tight (and mine was!), I would use some of my own intel to make sure that my two days' investment with the PI was well-spent at a moment of maximum encounter.

Puppy

[SoldierDad]

All, thanks for all of the advice. I think you are spot on Greek, in reference to what I will say in the event she raises he voice-blames me for the A, etc. Also, I forsee her telling me that I "made" her do this, and it is my fault. Anyone have any good comebacks for those excuses?
Puppy, I picked the 2 days I picked, based upon patterns. When I would call my sons on these particular days, they told me that she was out-nearly every time. One is a weeknight, other is weekend. Also, I am pretty good at being able to tell if she is lying or not. There are certain things she does when she lies. I am feeling more and more confident about standing up to her, as I travel this road I am on. The biggest thing I need to concentrate on is my boys, and taking care of them to the best of my abilities. I am already working on myself-One Day At A Time. The next thing I need to do is to bust her affair-if there is one. I should be overjoyed to be going home to visit my kids, but sometimes I feel absolute dread, because of what I might find out, or how she is going to react.

SoldierDad

[Super Girl]

My H told me I made him into the person he is. I looked at him like the a$$hole I thought he was, and walked away. I wouldn't waste my words on a comeback if I were you. Not worth it.

Assume she's having an affair, and you'll feel less dread when you find out. How she's going to react is her problem, not yours.

Fill your time and mind with thoughts of your sons.

[SoldierDad]

I have been working on my boundary "speech" if you will, concerning the A, and how I am going to confront her. Please chime in and tell me if it is too controlling etc. "W, I know you are seeing OM, if you continue the A, I will expose both of you, to your family and friends, and I will D you". Thoughts?

[Super Girl]

It sounds a little threatening to me.

[Greek]

Your boundary speech sounds good - very clear. One tweak ~ give some thought as to whether or not you'd expose her to friends and family. Certainly, if OM is married, his W needs to know what you know. But threatening to tell friends and family might look like revenge as opposed to a consequence. The consequence for her A is exposing them to the OM's W b/c she has a right to know (plus that will bust the A pretty quick) and, if she doesn't comply with your no contact boundary, you will move her things OUT and divorce her. Telling friends and family seems to me like piling on and it might not reflect well on you long run. Not necessary for you to do it, anyway. Info like that GETS OUT on it's own.

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Ok, great advice. I just found out from my boys, suprise-she went out again tonight!!! Told them she was going dancing with her GF. This kind of stuff just eats at my core, it's just blatant, with no regard for anyone besides herself. I think she might be in a MLC, along with whatever the heck she is doing. I mean she is almost 40, lost a bunch of weight, Hubby gone, seems to have eveerything she needs-why not???

SoldierDad