Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Journaling:

We had a pretty great day here all in all - lots to be thankful for. The boys were great. Mrs. T and I spent all day in the kitchen cooking up a HUGE meal, even knowing that the two of us would be the only ones enjoying it (the boys aren't big eaters) and enjoy it we did.

Yesterday morning I called a "cease fire" - I said "I don't know where our R is going. I know things are strained between us and we are discussing D, but for the next 4 days I have decided that I am going to enjoy being with my family and have a loving relationship with my wife." She replied (smiling happily) - "OK, Thank You!" And we did have a great day.

This morning we had a short R discussion in which really surprised me:

Mrs. T: "If you want to improve things in our R, maybe you should start looking at how you can change yourself and your actions."

Me: (Thought bubble "WTF, I have been doing nothing but that for a year!!, but responding calmly) Hmm. OK. What should I change?

Mrs. T: "You are not an affectionate person. You never have been. I need a lot more affection!!"

Me: (Again thinking "WTF, you have been rejecting any and all attempts at affection for the past years), "You have made it pretty clear that you don't want affection from me"

Mrs. T: "After not getting any affection for so many years, I can't just suddenly turn it on. I didn't want it, but you could at least try"

Me: "OK, I will. If I try to kiss you will you kiss me back?"

Mrs. T: "Well that's hard, after not gettting any affection for soooo long I don't really feel like kissing"

Me: "...But you can at least try. I'll try and you try. OK"

Mrs. T: "OK"

We had to end the conversation at that point. I am really not sure what she means by "Affection". I think she and I have very different view on what is "affection " (LL's) I need to get her to help me define what she is looking for. She doesn't want to do that, but...

Hey, at least she is making reconciliation noises.

and honestly, right now, I am OK with things either way they go.