Sandi. Thanks. W just sat me down to have a talk. Wanted to know about Dr sitch. Then it quickly became a discussion about her. Also a quiz about what plans I ahve for the weekend. If I am going out. Said she would just hang out tonight and study. By the end of the conversation it was her going to starbucks to clear her head and study. Which will be my W going out and coming home at 2 Am. Her plans will suddenly change. The kicker comes back to the kids. Asked if there was a movie we could all go to. Then it changed to her going out. Any ways she said she was so confused and our situation is so up in the air it is frustrating her. And the back and forth or reality and fiction conversation continued for an 40 minutes. Me listening about her problems. It all started with her wanting to know about my health.
So here is the questions and points I need direction and opinion
I believe my W is having an affair. I have no hard proof but have good clues. she is so worried that I am going out and or see oher people she is constantly spying on me FB and email acct She is having anxiety attacks quite frequently which send her into a depressed state of inability to do much of anything.... Curled up or always lying around taking naps. She keeps asking if we are moving out of state for my work. Says she doesn't know many W that are asking for a seperation that would follow their husbands to make new lives She never says Divorce. Always seperation. Doesn't know what will happen is what she says all the time.
Interesting, she thinks you're having an affair (or that's what she wants you to believe) because it's good cover for her.
You don't know where she goes but she goes out and stays out late.
Well if she said she was going to starbucks, go one time. 20-30 min. after she leaves, go to the starbucks, you should know which one she goes to, there could only be a few.
Does she have a cell?
When she's out call her on her cell from your cell, "hey I don't want to keep you that long on the phone, you mentioned you were going to starbucks, you know if you don't mind, before coming home, could you pick me up a grande cafe mocha? I really could go for one badly! I'd appreciate it, thank you."
Gauge her response.
She wants to play games, turn it around. You know she's playing games. You know she's not being entirely honest. You know she is confused, frustrated and feeling anxiety (guilt & confusion can do that).
You think you don't know anything but you do have these tidbits to work with and that's better than nothing.
Yes I think she's having an affair. If she has anxiety it's because of her having to hide it and come back home to you. Her being confused is the fact that she has 2 options: the new guy which is new & exciting and you the fallback plan, boring, old, familiar, secure, stable, etc.
Of course she never says divorce. This is called limbo, some people can live in limbo for years without making decisions: once you get your cake and get to eat it too, you kind of like the situation. It generates excitement, it's naughty and guilty yet that's it's allure at the same time. The same thing that makes it bad makes it wanted even more - do you see that?
Honestly some women will want a proverbial kick in the pants:
"enough of this crap, either work on this like an adult or I'm gone, now I'm making the decision since you can't, you have till friday, make it a good decision, you won't get a second chance with me. I love you but I'm not wasting my life, time & love on someone who can't do the same for me - this relationship involves 2 people not just you alone and I've decided that I'm not waiting anymore while you have your fun, yes I know all about it."
Don't you get it? She acknowledged your changes and yet still can't decide. It wasn't your changes that she was waiting for. She cake eating and oh what a delicious cake it is right now but you are the one suffering for it.
You can choose to live in limbo with her or you can choose to chart your direction out of limbo.
If she really is checking out your fb regularly, let's use this to your advantage.
Social site fake out.
Create a fake profile and fake email account for this fake profile on fb. Include a pic, a headshot of someone attractive, go to match.com or some other online dating site and look for someone you find attractive, copy that pic and create a fake fb profile with it, use a name that none of your friends will know, again make it up. Make this fb profile private so that you limit all info on that profile. Does your wife have your fb password? Change it to something she can't guess so that she can't view your fb logging in as you.
Add this fake fb profile as a new friend.
Comment on your profile on from that fake one and make the comment late at night on a night that you should be out of the house and she's at home watching the kids.
You know what you post from that fake fb profile on your fb profile,
";-)"
Don't reply to your own fake comment, let your wife see it. When she asks about it because she will, you sound surprised and say "What are you talking about?!", if she asks you who this person is, you tell her she's just a friend, I haven't checked fb in a while, didn't know she posted on my wall.
Login to fb, look for that comment from your fake fb profile, read it and then delete it (you can delete comments people post on your wall) and then tell her that she shouldn't be checking up on you, you have a right to your privacy, even be a little snooty about it, as if you've been caught doing something bad but you don't like that she caught you and you're angry that she found out as in she should mind her own business.
If she asks about it, tell her that you have nothing to say about this (and seriously you don't, don't make up anything, just tell her nothing happened, she's just a friend you recently met and that's it, don't talk about what you have done with her, nothing, "I have nothing to say about this"). Yes this is the jealousy plot line, you're creating some of your own drama now and you didn't even have to date to accomplish this.
If she gets angry, tell her this, "really, where are you going everynight that you're out till 2am?" and leave it at that. She won't respond to you, not with something honest anyways, and you can just leave the room, don't bother having a conversation on this. Your attitude is this, you're tired of waiting for her and investing your love, time & energy into her because she's no longer worth it.
Create some mystery of your own, you've been an open book for so long while you're wife is the one covering her tracks. Stop trying to impress your wife, start detaching and limiting conversations with her, appear as if you're moving on. She will notice this. At first you were pursuing and now you're stopping and now you're moving on, the comment on fb from that fake fb profile will heighten this situation.
You will need to create an email address for this fake fb profile, make it something that your wife won't know anything about.
She may even attempt to contact this person through fb, you can send msg's to people on fb that aren't your friends, take your time responding back if she does this reply back saying "I'm sorry but I don't think it's right discussing my personal life with you."
Create some drama for her to deal with. She is certainly creating a ton for you to deal with and it's disrespectful of her to do this.
That's what I would do if I was you but I'm not you, you have to be ballsy and gutsy enough to do this.
Can I ask a question after my long winded post above, are you still physically intimate with her? If you are, I hope you're wearing protection, if she is having "relations" with another man, you don't know his history or whatever he may have or has come in contact with, protect yourself, dipping your stick in another man's vanilla is disgusting and if you're wife allows this, it's a horrible thing.
