Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[Greek]

Thanks Coach-everyone, I really appreciate it. No, she hasn't said that is what she would do, I am just preparing for the worst case. My chain of command is aware of my issues, and are extremely supportive. So, do I tell her I know about the OM, when I get back, as a part of my boundaries? Also, just got a voicemail from her, asking for the paypal password, she wanted to buy something, and then the last thing she said was "nice that you changed the passowrd and didn't tell me" click. I did change, it, and I linked it to my new account. She can open her own account. Not sure if I should call her back and tell her that-nope, never mind, not gonna do it. She is a big girl, she can do it.

So you are introducing her to the Big Girl Panties way of life. So you want to leave your husband, sister? Pay your way. You cannot buy your cake with Soldier's paypal acct. and eat it, too. And that goes for your other money, too. Make your money separate and let her know you will pay all of the bills which support the household. Her 'nice to have - I want this b/c I'm the bomb' expenses will have to come out her pay (mani/pedi, cell phone, Victoria's Secret, etc.) You will support the household and the boys b/c you take care of your family. However, if she is stepping out or otherwise leaving, clearly she is choosing not to be IN the family and that goes on HER tab. Big Girl Panties.

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Greek, yup, that is exactly what I am doing. All of my pay goes into MY account, she has NO access to that. December is the last month she gets to pay the bills, I am taking them over in January. This is a logistics issue, that I have to square away when I am there for R & R. Gotta hit her where it hurts her the most-the wallet. Not looking forward to hearing what PI has to say/show me next week...

SoldierDad

[Greek]

"well, then pack your bags and divorce me-that's what I have been telling you"

SoldierDad

"No, I am not leaving this house or my sons. You are the one who wants out - and you may go or not. But I am not leaving. If you continue to be unfaithful to our M, I will pack your things and store them in the garage. And yes, I will divorce you if you continue this A. This is what you can expect from me."

And then you do it.

Clearly your W is and has been unfullfilled in the M. Woman don't just .... stray. And you will need to deal with those issues but FIRST - you need to establish your boundaries. Otherwise, when y'all do get to the part where you are digging in the dirt of the marital issues, it will be a train wreck and not constructive. First the boundaries.

Is TX a fault state?

Greek

[Greek]

Greek, yup, that is exactly what I am doing. All of my pay goes into MY account, she has NO access to that. December is the last month she gets to pay the bills, I am taking them over in January. This is a logistics issue, that I have to square away when I am there for R & R. Gotta hit her where it hurts her the most-the wallet. Not looking forward to hearing what PI has to say/show me next week...

SoldierDad

Bravo. Spot on.

What the PI brings will be what it is. That is the Reality for your M! and YOU. You will claw up from whatever the PI tells you. But it won't be about saving your M - it will be about taking care of YOU and YOUR SONS. She? That is up to her. She will either get on board with The Work, or she will leave. Accept the reality.

Bring it to the guys here. You can't go wrong.
Greek

[SoldierDad]

Greek, first off, I want to thank you for giving me your valuable time. I know how precious it is. I am not sure about Texas laws, but someone said that it was very husband friendly. I have already figured what she will be getting as far as CS. She thinks she is getting over $2,000 a month, when in reality, it is more like $ 1,300!!! I want to tell her that, but I think I will hold onto that little nugget until later. Great advice everyone. I am taking vigerous notes, and will definately use everything in my arsenal!!!

SoldierDad

[SoldierDad]

Also, what do you think the effect of my boundaries will have, considering I only have 2 weeks at home, then another 2 months away overseas? Not sure this will be effective in such a short period of time, as well as, not very enforceable on my part...

SoldierDad

[Greek]

Yeah, the time factor is rough but boundaries are boundaries. Look at it like this - you have two weeks to plant a powerful seed and nurture it. And really, whether you are state side or abroad - you have no control over what she will do anyway. You only control your message and your actions.

Careful about your boys. You'll be tempted to gather intel from them these two weeks and certainly when you leave again. Resist. Don't put the boys in that place. They are old enough to "see" but not old enough to understand. You just show them strong, loving Dad who is handling it. Know what I mean?

Greek

[SoldierDad]

Yep, I do know what you mean. When I look at the boundaries like that, makes perfect sense. Well, I am guilty of asking them if their mother is home/out etc. Have since stopped that. I am so looking forward to 2 great weeks with my boys. She has asked me many times where we are going etc. I quickly change the subject, and tell her that we are going to have a blast. If we go on a road trip, should I invite her along? Not sure how much communication i should try to have with her. I am sure she is going to try to start fights, bring up the past etc.

SoldierDad

[Greek]

If we go on a road trip, should I invite her along?

SoldierDad

"W, I want to take the boys to xyz on this day, that day and the next. Would you like to come with?"

She says yes - great. She says no - fine as well. You are ok either way. No fight. No fuss. Just ... ok.

Just b/c tries to "start fights" does not mean you engage. Gosh - Coach is like a master at this. When I would try to raise the volume or escalate something into an unproductive place, he would say something infuriating like, "I can understand why you feel that way. How can I help?" Or "I really want to deal with what you are telling me b/c it is very important. I'm going to step away for a bit and consider what you've told me." In other words, he didn't match my intensity - he dialed the thing back to a reasonable place. Which yeah, ticked me off initially but I could eventually see the wisdom and effectiveness of his method - vs mine which was all about the emotion. Make sense?
Greek

[SoldierDad]

Greek, you are a wise woman. These are the things that I must work on. My W is very confrontational, and argumentative. Also, she slams doors, calls names etc. Your advice is priceless. I have alot of homework to do in the next 2 weeks. I would really like my visit to be as pleasant and unconfrontational as possible. I would like to leave the boys with happy thoughts about me and my visit. Whatever happens with W, if good, is a bonus, but I'm really thinking she will take herself out of the picture, due to shame. But not sure.

SoldierDad