Need Help again!!

[Augtan]

Oh, no way is he staying at my house, OW would never allow that and it wouldn't be good. I slept with him when he was here last month, OW was told that, but doesn't believe and they are still together! So nuts!! If I even had an inkling that someone I as serious with (or thought I was) cheated on me, I would be OUT!! Why in the world do you want to start a "new" relationship with that hanging over your head? But, I guess she had no problem when he was sleeping with me when she was with him when we were married and when we were seperated, so why now..I would think because she now thinks he is hers!! She is so pathetic!

He came to pick up S14 & D10 last night, had some of my christmas stuff so he came in. I had the house pretty clean, but going overboard would have made it obivious. I have most of the Christmas stuff up and candles lit in them, he saw it all. No real words about anything, just casual nothing. I could tell he thought I was expecting someone else...candles lit, glass of wine in my hand, dressed still from Thanksgiving dinner. I never said a word to indicate that, but I just have a feeling.

D16 will not see him, she is staying with my sister so she doesn't have to see him even when he comes and goes with the other two. We have all tried to tell her that she should visit with him, but I cannot force her, she will be 17 next month, she can decide that for herself.

I know trying to understand what these MLCer's are doing, thinking and such is wasting my time. But, I just keep wondering how someone so logical for 18 years, completely throws everything out the window for one thing!! He threw everything away...everything good in his life for a woman! I look at it like there is list A with tons of things he lost, I could never name them all, but some are, his house, a wife that loves him, his kids, seeing his kids grow up, living a normal life, in-laws that love him...And then there is list B...which only consists of OW!! And, even though list A far outweights list B in what is right to do and honor his commitment to us, etc., he chose list B!! I don't get it and I never want to cause if I could understand it would mean I am thinking like a crazy person.

I ask myself everyday...is this worth it, we are divorced, he is with OW 600 miles away, he thinks it has gone way, way to far to ever go back to being together, at this point I know he thinks what he is doing now is way easier than ever coming back to us!! What if he marries OW, is that the point where you give up?

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP THE CONCEPT OF DBing CAUSE IT IS THE CHANGES FOR ME THAT MATTER THE MOST!

I somethimes think about all he has done to us and I wonder if I am the sick one for wanting someone capable of causing all this pain. My D16 had to drop out of HS due to emotional problems, D10 is writing "poems" about being in a deep, dark hole and screaming out to God and him not listening. I could go on about that too, but how in the world does he live with knowing what he chose is causing so much pain and agnoy? When I USE TO point these things out to him, he just said I was making it all worse and I needed to move on and when I did that the kids would too. I don't even involve him much in those issues anymore, there is no point and he doesn't ask to be informed about them. All the kids are in therapy and my family and I are handeling it together to get them through it. I just cannot imagine me being the one that caused so much pain and agnony for my kids!

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