So, XH is coming up here for Thanksgiving, and I plan to be very non-emotional, no R talk, no anything really. I am just going to be me and do my thing. I hope and pray I can do it! I don't know how to link my other thread, but it is "Help, Slept with XH".
Here is what I need help with the most!! I know I am suppose to just forget OW exsists at all, never mention her, etc. But, I find that so hard to do! I have gone over a week without contact with him, doesn't seem long I know but with three kids with whom he was very involved with before MLC, this is a long time for us. He is back in the tunnel in a big way. D16 had to be withdrawn from HS and not a word from XH, he knows all about it, but not one call to find out what is going on, how she is, what she is going to do, etc. So, I know he is back in full-swing with OW living like they are the only people in the world.
I guess what I am asking is, even if I don't say a word about her, I can only go a few days without thinking about my man with someone else. I should be past this, I know, but bottom line is I'm not! We have been together since I was 18, the pain of knowing he wants and is with OW kills me!! If D10 talks to him and he indicates he is at OW's house, I get a shooting pain through my body, I hate it! So, how have all of you dealt with the pain of the OW even after all this time. Although, I figured he was with OW all along, I only just found out in September that he really was with her again when we were living together and working on our marriage after bomb. I am sick of feeling so desperate about it, and so hurt by the fact that he wants someone like that over me, she is just plain awful inside and out. I do all the self-talk, I immediatley change my thoughts, but the shooting pain when it is in my face just doesn't stop. How and when will this end? I have tried to detach, stop loving him, stop thinking about him, etc. I do a good job for the most part, but I need to do better!!
ME-39 XH-42 M- 17 1/2 T-21 D16, S14, D10 MLC- 10/06, started with OW same time Bomb #1- 7/07 sep- 9/07 back T-12/07 sep for good-7/08 D final-5/09 bomb #2-9/09 (was with OW since 2/08)
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I personally dont think those feelings ever go away augtan, you can detach and put it at the back of your mind, but it keeps erupting, I have been at this since june 2005 and still cannot believe my ex would choose such a distateful, money laundering, crook of a woman over me, but he made that choice honey and he even told me she was better than me, wot to cheat with men, split families up, spend spend spend all his money and get him into deep debt, no way do I think she is better than me, It is a hard one to get over and I personally dont think I for one will ever get over what kind of person he took off with, and may I say married, within a year of leaving us.
The truth about love is that it always exists. When someone dies, your love for them does not. When you lose touch with an old dear friend, you don’t lose your love for them. For what they represented in your life. The only time love vanishes, is when it was not real love to begin with.
Take it minute by minute and just take the time with your H as time with a member of the family, who has no intimate connection with you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
There are lots of ways to get OW out of your head. There are techniques (the STOP sign technique where everytime you think about her you imagine a big Stop sign in your mind and you immediately turn your thoughts to something else; the rubber band method - where you put a rubber band around your wrist and everytime you think of her you flick yourself with the rubber band; as well as other ways you can learn including tapping parts of your body, neurolinguistic programing etc etc etc) but until you get her out of your head you just have to pretend that she's not there.
The thing about pretending is that you have to "fake it" all the time. No slips. No mussings. No niggles to your husband. You have to pretend that she is nothing to you. She doesn't exist in your head or in your world.
Augtan my xH hooked up with and subsequently married his best friend's widow. She was my friend too. From the day he told me he was with her 4 years ago until now I have NEVER spoken about her to anyone. She is nothing to me.
Don't get me wrong, I fantasised about all sorts of evil things I'd like to do to her (when I dreamed up an elaborate plan to paint "Husband fcuker" in big purple letters on her weatherboard house I realised my judgement was less than optimal!!). Early on I used to have conversations in my head of what I'd like to say to her. I wrote her letters telling her how much her behaviour had hurt me - I never sent them.
The thing is she was a symptom of what was wrong between X and me - but it was easier to blame her than blame him or me.
Finally I forgave her for the part I thought she played in the breakdown of my marriage. I forgave her silently,privately, but profoundly - because I realised she was a victim to. She made some dumb decisions, but she was just doing the best she could with the resources she had available to her at the time. To her, I was just collateral damage.
When your H is home you just have to NOT talk about her. It takes discipline and it takes courage - but if you want a chance to rebuild your marriage aren't you willing to apply discipine and courage?
Everytime you raise the issue of OW with him, you take his focus away from you and your family to her. Why would you do that? It makes no sense. You don't want him thinking or talking about her - you want him thinking about and talking to you!!! Get it. Get her out of your head, out of your house and out of your life.
You can't make his decisions about who he wants to live with for him - all you can do is offer him an alternative.
For what it's worth my x called me recently just to say hello and he said something about the woman he married (and who he's now separating from) - first time he's ever mentioned her to me by name since this started. I didn't react, ignored the reference to her and responded to the other part of whatever it was he was saying.
He said to me in that conversation words to the effect that he thought it was "classy" how I never spoke badly about her. It would appear he doesn't realise I've never spoken about her at all - to him I just haven't been nasty about her. I never gave him any reason to have to defend her - and I think that worked well for both of us.
Fake it until you make it.
There is no reason you can't do it - you only have to conquer yourself.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Augtan - I just read this on a thread by Stronger over on Newcomers .... I thought it might be helpful foryou ....
Quote:
And for all of you combating the OP.....this is important for you. Last week my therapist gave me a great analogy. (Apparently that's how I need things explained to me.) In terms of the OW, I wish she had said this to me MONTHS ago....
"W, you are like a lion. You roar. You can sit there and roar the truth at H all you want. But all he hears is yelling. He's not hearing anything you say, he only knows there's yelling and arguing AGAIN. But then OW comes along, slitering like the snake she is and whispers lies through her split tongue....smiling. And he listens because he's relaxed and NOT being yelled at. All he knows is he's not being yelled at....so he rather listen to lies than have the truth yelled at him.....stop roaring. Stop yelling."
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Wow!! All of these things are very helpful!! I know I cannot talk to him about her, I am trying very hard to do that and will forsure not say a word when he is here...tomorrow!!
It is too late for me not to speak of OW at all, I already did that and did it for over a year! I was in soooo much pain, and like you said it was easier to blame her than him. I blamed me way too much! I think that is why XH thought it was okay to leave, he heard me apologize so much for what I had done to cause all this, that he said "she is right, she did do all these things to me, to our marriage, I don't want to be with her anymore, cause the past is repeted in the future, and she cannot change" But, I did change and I have changed in ways he never thought possible, but instead of recognizing these changes he looks for ways I haven't made the complete change yet. He says I am still angry, that is true, anger is a human emotion and I will have anger on and off forever, I can control it better now. I have a full-time job, he never thought I would do that, but I had to move away to get it and he hates me for that, I am in a debt management program because he said all the debt was my fault (it wasn't) so I thought this would show him I am serious about not creating more debt, and help me, etc. I really haven't told him much about the DMP. He said I caused too much "drama" in his life with all our issues with our kids (normal kid issues, but now way worse since he has left us!!), so now I don't tell him much of anything going on at all and deal with it myself.
What is even more ironic is OW has and will continue to have huge money issues due to court battle with her XH, she brings more drama than I could ever imagine due to her XH and son, and the fact that my kids hate her, never want to be around her, and the court has ordered that my XH can never be around her son...even if they get married!! So, the drama with her will continue, which I feel is what they thrive on and bonds them even more. But, I can only stop the drama on my end, I cannot force her XH to stop it on his!!
I do all the mind things to stop thinking about him with her, and it has gotton way better, but it is not gone. I intend to fake it to the extreme while he is here! Should I led on that I am seeing someone else? I kinda am, but could play it up much bigger than it is?? I'm not sure if this will backfire and he will say "oh good, she found someone else and is moving on like I have told her to" or it will make him think he is losing me and panic?? I don't want to screw up anymore, I want to do it all right this time. Also, I decorated the house for X-mas already so he will have to see all our decorations and such. He has never, ever spent a Christmas without me and his kids in 21 years!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Just be yourself! No talks about the relationship, the ow or who you are possibly seeing. Keep conversations light and airy and on topics concerning your children and special interests.
All changes should be for you, not to prove to your h that you can and have done it. The less said about the changes, the better because he will think that you are doing them just to get him to return home. They are sick little birds and need to understand that home is where the heart is and the safest place to land. Make your home that place!
Keep your focus on you and your children and allow God to work on your sick little bird.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think it would be best if you avoided him as much as possible while he is there. Do you have plans to do things as a family? Can you let him visit with the kids and go off by yourself for a bit? STBX and I do family stuff together occasionally now (we even went on a short vacation just the 2 of us a while back-- no funny business, though), but back when I was still really raw I had to severely limit contact, or else I'd completely lose it. If you don't feel you're sufficiently detached to spend much time with him yet, don't! I know you're trying to DB him, but it's better to make yourself scarce than to have a meltdown in front of him IMO.
Oh, no way is he staying at my house, OW would never allow that and it wouldn't be good. I slept with him when he was here last month, OW was told that, but doesn't believe and they are still together! So nuts!! If I even had an inkling that someone I as serious with (or thought I was) cheated on me, I would be OUT!! Why in the world do you want to start a "new" relationship with that hanging over your head? But, I guess she had no problem when he was sleeping with me when she was with him when we were married and when we were seperated, so why now..I would think because she now thinks he is hers!! She is so pathetic!
He came to pick up S14 & D10 last night, had some of my christmas stuff so he came in. I had the house pretty clean, but going overboard would have made it obivious. I have most of the Christmas stuff up and candles lit in them, he saw it all. No real words about anything, just casual nothing. I could tell he thought I was expecting someone else...candles lit, glass of wine in my hand, dressed still from Thanksgiving dinner. I never said a word to indicate that, but I just have a feeling.
D16 will not see him, she is staying with my sister so she doesn't have to see him even when he comes and goes with the other two. We have all tried to tell her that she should visit with him, but I cannot force her, she will be 17 next month, she can decide that for herself.
I know trying to understand what these MLCer's are doing, thinking and such is wasting my time. But, I just keep wondering how someone so logical for 18 years, completely throws everything out the window for one thing!! He threw everything away...everything good in his life for a woman! I look at it like there is list A with tons of things he lost, I could never name them all, but some are, his house, a wife that loves him, his kids, seeing his kids grow up, living a normal life, in-laws that love him...And then there is list B...which only consists of OW!! And, even though list A far outweights list B in what is right to do and honor his commitment to us, etc., he chose list B!! I don't get it and I never want to cause if I could understand it would mean I am thinking like a crazy person.
I ask myself everyday...is this worth it, we are divorced, he is with OW 600 miles away, he thinks it has gone way, way to far to ever go back to being together, at this point I know he thinks what he is doing now is way easier than ever coming back to us!! What if he marries OW, is that the point where you give up?
I WILL NEVER GIVE UP THE CONCEPT OF DBing CAUSE IT IS THE CHANGES FOR ME THAT MATTER THE MOST!
I somethimes think about all he has done to us and I wonder if I am the sick one for wanting someone capable of causing all this pain. My D16 had to drop out of HS due to emotional problems, D10 is writing "poems" about being in a deep, dark hole and screaming out to God and him not listening. I could go on about that too, but how in the world does he live with knowing what he chose is causing so much pain and agnoy? When I USE TO point these things out to him, he just said I was making it all worse and I needed to move on and when I did that the kids would too. I don't even involve him much in those issues anymore, there is no point and he doesn't ask to be informed about them. All the kids are in therapy and my family and I are handeling it together to get them through it. I just cannot imagine me being the one that caused so much pain and agnony for my kids!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
