Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Jstar, first, I am so sorry you are going through this. Being pregnant is hard enough but having a 2 year old on top of it while going through this...wow.

I would like to know some information--how long have you been married, when did the affair start, what is the OW like, has he cheated before?

I am doubtful that conciliation services will work at this point though (b/c affair is still in place) but maybe you can get some financial support from it. Are you filing a legal separation? How long have you been doing LRT and how long will you do it?Are you waiting for him to file for D? Do you plan on letting him see the baby after birth? Do you think he wants to be involved in his children's lives? Would your H would file for D just to get parental visitation?

Also, you should know that my WH left when I was 7 months preg as well, but wanted to keep helping me with the house, stay involved with the pregnancy, be there for our son. He swore that he would never flaunt OW in my face or talk about his "relationship" with her. He has kept his word so far.

We started divorce paperwork in March, then changed to legal separation to keep insurance (I am taking a year off from work). We went to a therapist together and separate. The therapist told me my WH was genuinely confused,that I didn't have to write off the marriage yet. We never filed any legal paperwork, he has left 90% things here at the house. We did divide the bank accounts and I opened separate account. We drafted a parenting plan, financial support plan, each kept a copy for ourselves, showed our therapist. He gave me phone numbers to mediators.

We never went but I went NC with him for remainder of pregnancy except for dr. appts and birthing classes and I let him be at the birth BECAUSE
1) I was terrified that he would not bond with the baby and not be involved in his life and
2) I hoped it would help "wake him up."

Well, he bonded with our son but he did not "wake up." He even lived with me in a separate bedroom for a week before the birth and 2 weeks after. We discussed the divorce at that time; he admitted he didn't know if that's what he wanted but he didn't think it was fair to make me wait for him. Nothing happened.

I let him COME OVER to see his baby as much as he wanted because I wanted him to bond and I did not want OW to bond with the baby. He has been over 6/7 days each week, pays money, and I just started letting him take our baby Saturday mornings to OW--the hardest decision but am desperate to implement my no chasing/no pressure plan--part of the 180 believe it or not! A

The reason I am not doing Plan B now is that I can't bare to let the OW see my baby that often AND I am seeing some small changes in his behavior with my current plan (within last 2 weeks). I called a divorcebusting coach who said to keep this up until New Year's, then reevaluate.


Jstar, I look forward to hearing the answers to my questions and I recommend that you start your own thread so other people besides me can help you! :-)