Rocked......good for you for getting boundaries. I struggle, it's my biggest downfall with boudaries. I end up doing more damage I think by not setting clear boundaries. I'm reading Codependent No More which helps while in the moment reading it but I'm still in a state of denial. I think there ought to be a whole section on the boards regarding "boundaries".
Well...I just screwed something up... hopefully not too bad... but wouldn't mind advice.
H and i kept it "light" this morning before he left, bantering back and forth a bit, him talking about people at work etc. We said goodbye, wished him a good day and after he left I just couldn't maintain the facade. I broke down. All of this pressure about setting and enforcing this boundary about transparency, all my fears that he won't stay away from her, having to face my fears about separation and/or D.... it all just seemed to come down on me in the moment. And, because I was alone, it all came out.
Wouldn't you know it.... H forgot something and walked in to find me in that state. I wasn't hysterical or anything, but clearly crying.
H turned cold, said he had to go and left.
Of course now, I feel ten times worse because of the coldness.
How do I recover this situation? Just leave it and get back to the 180's and GALing? Do you think it did a lot of damage?
Geez... I'm only human. It's so hard to see your formerly loving spouse be in such a self absorbed fog.
It's normal. I opened the door to my wife's closet when she was gone and her robe was hanging on the inside of the door, I could smell her on it and I lost it bad.
He was cold because he knows he is responsible for hurting you, that's his issue to own not yours. The alone feeling becomes empowering after a while. You realize this is your journey alone to make. It was then I came up with my "I can handle it" mantra. Nobody else was going to do it. You have to take the steps on your own but you are not alone.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
RW I've been watching your thread, can't remember if I've commented before or not.
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H turned cold, said he had to go and left.
You did nothing wrong. It happened. He won't see this as manipulation on your part.
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Of course now, I feel ten times worse because of the coldness.
There is nothing you could have done. It happened. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't blame yourself.
RE: Coldness It's an instinctual reaction from him. He knows you are hurting and its all his fault. His coldness was a way for him to compartmentalize the guilt he was feeling at that moment. He's put on his 'brave face.' Later when he is in a position to handle it he will open it up and go through it.
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How do I recover this situation? Just leave it and get back to the 180's and GALing?
Yes.
Quote:
Do you think it did a lot of damage?
Not a lot, but there was a some damage. The flip-side to this is that this will give him something to think about. It may work in your favor because your H is a 'damsel in distress' man. Right now he can't rush to your aid because he has his own barriers set up. Don't blame yourself and don't think that he doesn't care. He does. He just can't handle it at the moment.
Keep doing what you've been doing.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
He was cold because he knows he is responsible for hurting you, that's his issue to own not yours. The alone feeling becomes empowering after a while. You realize this is your journey alone to make. It was then I came up with my "I can handle it" mantra. Nobody else was going to do it. You have to take the steps on your own but you are not alone.
Cheers
Thanks so much Coach.
"The alone feeling becomes empowering after awhile."
It is so interesting that you said that, as that is exactly what I was just struggling with before I read your post.
Yet, I can see what you mean by that.
None of us asked to be in this sitch, yet when forced into it, we find an inner strength that propels us to make changes in our life for the good.
Your "I can handle it" mantra is so helpful for me. I have been continuing to tell myself "I will be ok no matter what."
Today... if I am brave enough... I am going to try to visualize my life as a D person, single mom. (whew... I had an emotional surge just typing that... but that's ok... I'm ok....)
I think I need to do that to face this fear, which is blocking me from being strong enough to do what I need to do.
I don't know if I can do it today, pretty emotional, but I am going to give it a try.
In the meantime, after this morning, probably best to "go dark" for the day with H right? Let him do any contacting if he chooses?
Its hard when something throws itself in your path RDW at the beginning you might have a wobbler, but thats only normal and certainly nothing to beat yourself up about, I do know how you feel, I had a car accident two weeks ago, if it had happened four months ago I would have fallen apart, but now even thought Im wibbling as it seems they would like to write my car off not good for me at all, I am handling it, ok sometimes I have to remind myself that if I had never married I would not have had a knight in shining armour and would have had to learn to do it myself, that is all I am learning now, better late than never I say! Chin up you can and will do this!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks Rabbit, I know there are so many ups and downs arent' there? Sometimes, I think I am doing great, and then something comes out of the blue and blindsides me again.
But, just trying to get stronger throughout this day.
Been trying to visualize what it would be like to be D and a single mom, not because that is what I want, but because it may be a reality I face and I need to find a way to not be so afraid of it that it paralyzes me from doing what I need to do.
Not finding it easy though.
Was trying to find the courage to GAL by myself again tonight... once again kids busy and no one available... but can't seem to find the motivation. Might just go for a bit of a drive or something.
Wow, RDW! Just spend a good portion of my day reading through your thread from start to finish. As usual, so many good insights and advice come from these amazing people on the forum. But above all else, I felt so much pride for you and your ability to deal with everything you've had thrown your way. If I could handle 1/2 of my encounters with W (and myself) the way you have, I know I'd be in a better place right now. My heart and my respect goes out to you.
Our situations are much different, since my W moved out as soon as I discovered she hadn't stopped R with OM (which she continues in her fog). Wish I had known about transparency when I first found out about the A to have set that non-negotiable boundary, as things could have turned out much different for me. Attempting to DB with a WAW with her head in the clouds is unbelievably difficult. But despite the differences in our sitches, so much of your patience, anger, sadness, fears and attitude rings familiar. I've learned so much by reading this thread, seeing real-world examples of DB principals in action. Thank you! Without knowing it, you've given me strength and reinforcement that I can handle whatever comes my way.
You really are a Strong, attractive, confident and AMAZING woman! I wish you the best, knowing you deserve nothing less.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Wow, Counting Crows... thank you so much! I'm just literally trying to survive this sitch, so if it helps anyone in even a small way I am so grateful for that.
I will have to check out your thread.
I am still struggling with having to set a non-negotiable boundary but as I am letting myself process it and thinking about what I deserve, I know what I need to do.
I wish you all the best in your sitch... you stay strong and true! You will also be ok... no matter what!
