Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

"I wouldn't say much about the OM other than to tell her that you aren't willing to live in an open marriage. If she feels she needs to continue a relationship with him, she'll have to find a new home to do it in."

Ok, but how in the world will that work? Especially after she has ALREADY said that she is done? She might just say "so what" I won't be there to make her leave the home. I am just so confused. Anyone? What do I say to her? What boundary do I set, and how do I enforce that boundary after I leave? I'm willing to do this, just need the guidance and wisdom. Thoughts?

[Greek]

Hey there, Soldier. Thank you for your service.

No doubt the folks here will have you squared away in time for your 2 week gig at home. My job in all of that will be to point out to you that your wife - the one who is probably stepping out on you, living in the home your provide for her and supposed to be holding down the fort for you while you serve - does NOT get to call YOUR shots. In other words, she does not get to tell you where you will lay your head when you get home.

So she is dropping your vehicle and your minor sons (Mother of the Year material, btw) at the airport. Kind of a b!tchy move but nevertheless, no problem for SoldierDad b/c he wants to see his boys first thing AND he needs his truck to get home anyway...so that works.

And when he gets home, he is sleeping in his bed. It goes like this: "W, I have heard you and am thoughtfully considering what you've been writing and telling me recently. I cannot control what you think and feel. I don't want to end our M and I will not be leaving our home. What you do is up to you." Unpack in the marital bedroom. Again, if she does not like that, "W, I understand that you are not comfortable sharing a bed with me at this time. Probably what you should do in that case is sleep in another room."

While you are home for that two weeks, you will need to do what is necessary to guard your finances and other rights. Don't be shy about this and don't be apologetic. She is not on your side, buddy ~ she is out for herself. She is already displaying signs that she will not play nice. You don't have to be an a$$ - you just need to be firm, have boundaries with her and stand by what you say.

One thing that comes to mind as I've read about your W - and Coach touched on it, too - that business about being overweight. This is rarely about a love affair with food. It's usually a protective activity or a way to numb other pains. And losing weight - sure, it's healthy and all that - but that is about control ~ going to take control of what I put in MY mouth, MY body, MY life. And all of this is good. But gosh we get out of balance sometimes. Sounds like your W wants to control what you'll do, too, b/c she is sure is calling YOUR shots. You have to let her call hers, but what YOU will do is about YOU. Sometimes we girls need to be reminded of that. And by the way, we like to see a man stand up for himself. You'll do fine.

It is not ok for her to tell you where you will stay. It is not ok for her to have a relationship with another man. These are your boundaries.

Greek

[Greek]

"I wouldn't say much about the OM other than to tell her that you aren't willing to live in an open marriage. If she feels she needs to continue a relationship with him, she'll have to find a new home to do it in."

Ok, but how in the world will that work? Especially after she has ALREADY said that she is done? She might just say "so what" I won't be there to make her leave the home. I am just so confused. Anyone? What do I say to her? What boundary do I set, and how do I enforce that boundary after I leave? I'm willing to do this, just need the guidance and wisdom. Thoughts?

Talk to your CO. You need help with this. You're not the first guy to have to deal with this. Look for this help.
Greek

[SoldierDad]

Greek, sweet Jesus, that is some great advice! Thank you. You are absolutely right about all of it. I want to add this: I was raised to respect your woman, put her on a pedestal, do everything for her. What I have learned so far, is that seems nice-at first-but your woman quickly loses respect for you, because she KNOWS that you are going to do everything for her. I'm learning, slow but sure. An issue I see coming up is her losing it when I go to the house, and maybe calling police to have me removed. I have NO history in that, but I am just trying to think ahead. My boys will be with me, so they will be able to speak the truth about that, but how should I handle that-if she says she is going to call the police to have me removed? My boys are everything to me, and I hate to see them hurt, or put into the middle of all this. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

SoldierDad

[Coach]

She has threatened to call the police if you walk into your own home - tell your 1st Sgt/CO, get off-base legal advice.

Show up at your house with a friend. Keep your phone with you at all times doesn't it have a camera/video recorder on it?

Document all these threats, see if you can get her to say it
in a e-mail. You fight hard-ball with hard-ball. Don't negotiate with a terrorist. You are not going to match her emotions, the more upset she gets the calmer you get. She is going to try and bait you into a fight, don't take the bait.

Use the systems in place to help you. Get information from your chain of command, they are trained in how to deal with these things. You have more resources at your disposal than you realize.

Cheers

[SoldierDad]

Thanks Coach-everyone, I really appreciate it. No, she hasn't said that is what she would do, I am just preparing for the worst case. My chain of command is aware of my issues, and are extremely supportive. So, do I tell her I know about the OM, when I get back, as a part of my boundaries? Also, just got a voicemail from her, asking for the paypal password, she wanted to buy something, and then the last thing she said was "nice that you changed the passowrd and didn't tell me" click. I did change, it, and I linked it to my new account. She can open her own account. Not sure if I should call her back and tell her that-nope, never mind, not gonna do it. She is a big girl, she can do it.

[Coach]

Are you on base housing?

Who pays the bills?

Does she work?

[SoldierDad]

Coach, no we live off post. Have a house we designed/built 2 years ago. I pay 95% of bills. She has a job, pays about 1/3 of what I make. I am senior enlisted. Can you give me advice on wether I should tell her I know about OM, if that is the case? If so, how does one bring that up in a reasonable manner? Thanks

SoldierDad

[Coach]

First get proof so you are certain. Then you have to process those feelings, don't stuff them or they will come out at the wrong time. Is a affair a deal-breaker for you? How does it make you feel? The DBing tactics are to first bust the affair then work on busting the divorce. Realize you might not succeed on either of these, it's not all up to you.

Do you have access to her e-mail, phone records, and banking activity?

yes, you will let her know that you know about the OM and that her behavior is unacceptable. You will bring it up in the form of a boundary and it will be unreasonable to her, expect it.

"Wife, I have decided I will not share you with another man. If you do not stop contact with him, I will ____________ (pack your bags, divorce you etc.) To ensure this we will have complete transparency, I will have access to your e-mails and phone records."

Once you have proof is when set the boundary. Turn off her cell phone, stop the internet access, you pay the bills directly.

[SoldierDad]

Coach, I don't feel at this time, that an affair is a deal breaker, but there has to be full disclosure, NC, and transparency from her. No access to any of these. Cell is through her work, seperate e-mail etc. We now have seperate accounts. My only issue with the boundary, if this even qualifies as an issue, is this: What is she just says, "well, then pack your bags and divorce me-that's what I have been telling you" or something similar? PI should be able to prove if true.

SoldierDad