Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

So Thanksgiving has come and gone and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I had the girls and we spent it at a cousin's house. D10 and D7 said later it was the best Thanksgiving they've had because they got to interact with their two 23-year-old cousins and a 20-year-old cousin.

In the past, Thanksgiving always was a trip to the MIL's house for dinner and then sitting around and watching TV with SIL and MIL. The only fun things there are a trampoline, when it was warm enough, and computer games. Boring for D10 and D7.

Today I woke up and decided to go to FreeCreditReport.com to see if W is burying me in debt on co cards. I was specifically worried about a Target card we've used for Christmas shopping in the past.

Turns out Target closed it in April. But she has run up $2,600 on our Lowe's account. That's house related stuff. I can't complain too much. It's much better than I thought.

Then I started thinking about how long I'm going to let LimboLand continue. I've read and reread the situations where the WAW finally opens up to reconciliation 18 months to two years later.

I'm 6 1/2 months into this and slowly sinking a bit more into debt each month because I'm paying interest on the $15k she ran up in just the past three years and giving her nearly $500 every two weeks.

My lease is up at the townhouse at the end of January. If she hasn't filed by then and there's no positive movement I'm finally considering filing on my own.

I know the rule that you shouldn't use divorce as a tactic and I don't think I would be. Every big occasion that passes I become less fearful of the future and every weekend that goes on I meet more and more people. I'm tired of having no direction and letting her live in la-la land.

If I end up filing I will have to explain to my daughter's why, but the older one has made it clear she understands I didn't want to leave.

By end of January I'll have my retainer saved as well. I also won't have the awkward anniversary in April if proceedings are under way.

Another poster once wrote "a man doesn't divorce his wife." I agree with that, but she has already divorced me in her mind and it seems is just keeping the legal tie for financial reasons.