Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Hello all, I have been lurking here for a few days, and I need some help. My story:
Me 44, W 38 2 boys - 12 and 15, M 14 yrs.
Before deployment-March 09, marriage was pretty stable-or so I thought, we have had our share of fights, but I had no idea that she was feeling this way. NO mention of divorce, or separation. W had gastric bypass year ago, lost 100 pounds and looks very good. She is very concerned w/her looks, and loves attention. W doesn't seek attention, just likes it when she is in the spotlight. August of 09, W drops the I need space, you are smothering me line. I, of course, do everything BUT give her space, constant calling, e-mailing-pushed her even further away. She has alienated her family, and hasn't called her M in 3 weeks. W called a month ago, dropped I am not in love with you, I fell out of love a long time ago speech. Since then, have done pretty good job w/180/NC. Only e-mailing, talking -reference to the boys. Throughout the marriage, I have been the one that says sorry most of the time, and basically dote on her. I would take her breakfast every day, when I wasn't busy, filled her car with gas etc. I did everything for her. I think she has lost respect for me. I am not sure if there is OM or not. I have hired PI, to find out. Will know something the first/second week of December. She has made NO attempt at reconciliation, and whenever we do have contact, she is telling me what she wants from the divorce, for me not to fight her, etc. Whenever she writes to me about D, I refuse to acknowledge it/write back to her about it, instead, I write about how excited I am to see the boys over Christmas etc. She has a friend at her work, who is a single, divorced W w/B12. They go out constantly, staying out late, etc. My question is, what is she doing? MLC or WAS? And, can I save my marriage? I am scheduled to go back home on R & R second week of Dec, she has said that I am not welcome in our home. I already know the things she is going to say to me, and her actions. She will tell me that she doesn't want me in the house, and for me to leave. My question is: what happens if I don't leave, and she calls police and says I threatened her, or something like that? I live in Texas-not sure of laws. Also, she has said in the past that I will never change, things will go back to the way they were, etc. My background: come from extremely close, loving family, lots of hugs, "I love you's", etc. Her back ground: Comes from big family, but not close at all. Father killed by DD when she was 4. Not alot of affection from anyone in her family. I need help to save my marriage, if it is salvageable. Any and all advice/guidance is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my post.

[bluerain]

Hi Soldier Dad, sorry you have found yourself here. There are some good books out there, one that I have heard recommended is No more Mr. Nice guy, there are a few others, but I cant remember them.

Stay calm, and stay focused on being safe, none of this happens overnight.

I hope that you realize that when she says things like I fell out of love a long time ago, shes rewriting your history together to suit her purposes. Do you seriously think that she would do something as rash as call the cops and say that you threatened her? Is there any history of this kind of thing between you two? As far as Im concerned, it is the Marital home and if she chooses to longer be part of the marriage...well, shes the one who needs to leave.

I would contact your legal aid dept and see if they can help you, that way you can tell her that all communication concerning the divorce or seperation to go through your lawyer.

Again, Im sorry that you have found yourself here, take care of yourself, eat enough, and get plenty of rest.

[TulsaTime]

Hey SD,

I'm truly sorry you are here. We know how you're feeling and what you're going thru.

Others will be here shortly to help you thru this.

The first thing that struck me from your post is the possibility of infidelity. The PI will hopefully sort that out for you.

Be careful about letting her dictate terms to you. It sounds like you're a nice guy and willing to please. I know how scared you are of doing anything to push her away.

The advice here is that you do not leave the marital home. If she wants out, let her find her own place. Fight for rights to your child if she decides to leave.

Be strong, confident, firm, positive and lovingly detached. Don't panic. The calvary will soon be here.

[SoldierDad]

Rain, no, no history of that, I am just trying to be one step ahead of her. I agree about the home, and in the past, I think I would have just left, or not gone back. But now, after reading threads here, I am empowering myself, and refuse to let her have her way in this. The JAG folks can only offer advice, they really bring nothing in the way of help. I have not hired an attorney, but have contacted one-about a month ago.
Tulsa, I agree about infidelity, she has written to me that "I made her do this", and she doesn't want to hurt me, and has said multiple times that she wants me to get orders to go to a different base-overseas. So, ya, I agree, there is probably someone else. Not sure how I am going to handle that if that bomb drops. Is it normal for them to be so emotionally detached, or is it an "act"? Does she really feel that way? I just don't know how she can go from loving me with all her heart, to, I fell out of love with you a long time ago, in such a short time. If it IS infidelity, I beleive that, if she is transparent, and is truly sorry, I could somehow forgive her, but not completely positive of that. I have done a pretty good job w/NC/180, but it doesn't seem to be having ANY effect. Thanks for listening to me, I really appreciate it.

[SoldierDad]

Ok, some more amplifying data. I am secheduled to return home for 2 weeks mid Dec. I then re-deploy back to theater at end of Dec. I do not return home for good until March timeframe. The PI will be finished by the time I go home in Dec, should I confront W with evidence-or wait? Also, should boys/family/friends be made aware-should I expose her? If so, how do I handle THAT? How should I handle Christmas-ask her to celebrate with us-or say nothing? Do I invite her to join us? Sorry, I have so many questions, scenarios going through my mind right now. Thanks.

[TulsaTime]

SD,

Yes, I believe it's normal for WAS to be emotionally detached, especially if OM is involved. In my sitch, I was guilty of the infidelity, and for awhile I was in very deep. Apparently, I was more than willing to jeopardize the marriage and kids. I had a huge awakening. What I did was selfish and it was all a fantasy. There were of course, other underlying problems in the marriage which may have contributed.

Yes, I turned around and realized how much I loved my wife and our family together. My wife's busting and bringing the affair to light also helped clear my head of the fog I was in. It took me roughly the same amount of time the affair lasted to get over the OW (with no contact).

After reading many of these threads, I realize my wife kind of DB'ed me when she found out. It worked too. She has never been so attractive as she is to me now. Read Divorce Remedy for starters.

[SoldierDad]

Also, please keep in mind that I have been away from the home/wife/family for 9 months. I don't return for good until March 2010. I am in a much different sitch from other people in that, I really can't do alot of the things they are doing-as in acting indifferent-I never see her/speak to her. Change the way I look/act/carry myself etc. There are so many things I WANT to do, to reestablish our marriage, however, I am extremely limited in my efforts from such a distance. Thoughts?

[SoldierDad]

Forgot to mention, W has said she has seen Attorney-through Legal Aid. I have checked the city courthouse web page, and there is nothing to indicate any kind of filing. This could be due to Soldiers Sailors relief act-preventing them from proceeding until I get back, or she has just gotten advice from them. Not sure which. Sorry I am piecing all these things, but I am trying to add as much info on my sitch, to get the most help. Financial info: I am Military-high ranking enlisted. W makes 1/3 what I make. W has been misinformed on amount of CS she will be getting. Texas law states 25% (for 2 kids), of GROSS income minus SINGLE taxes, and health care. Do I tell her what she is actually going to get? I think NO, as it is another way to "bait" her into a fight/discussion. Also, Whenever she goes out-she tells my boys she is going out with her Girlfriend (mentioned above)-not sure that is the truth though. Is there any additional info I need to provide? Please, I need your help, I am headed back in 2 weeks, and I want to be prepared for eveything she will throw at me-well, as best as I can be. Thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SoldierDad,

First of all, thank you for your service. I think it is reprehensible that your wife would do this to you while you were away (forbid you to enter YOUR OWN HOME????).

In my opinion, your wife is having an affair. Like someone else said, with the PI you'll find out soon enough. Good for you in having the 'nad to hire one; most people just stick their head in the sand.

You need to get some legal advice, to understand what your options, rights and responsibilities are. Do NOT leave your own home, whatever you do -- that's just about the biggest no-no around here.

I would suggest reading two books: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Hold onto Your N.U.T.S.". You sound a lot like me, in that I used to treat my wife like an entitled princess, and that doesn't work. She almost surely doesn't respect you very much right now, and since women tie their feelings of respect very closely with their feelings of love, you can see your dilemna.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The GOOD news is, from my understanding, Texas is a state that is very favorable on "men's rights"-type issues, as well as using infidelity as grounds in any divorce action. You may be able to use that to your advantage.

Puppy