You sound like you are doing well all things considering. There is definitely something freeing in being able to let go and concentrate on ourselves and our kids and making our lives as full as we can with or without them. You handle your H's spews very well, it sounds like!
Well, my H declined joining us for Thanksgiving today with the family. I wasn't surprised. The kids practically begged him with no prompting from me but he did come to me last night and explain why he didn't want to go, etc. I told him it was up to him, that he was wanted there but it was his decision. I was calm and light fortunately.
We ended up having a great day regardless. He called twice while we were gone. The best part is not only did I survive this first major holiday post bomb BUT I had a good day AND I feel so empowered having done so well. This was a big hurdle for me. There were a couple of times I felt the pangs of missing him being there but honestly over the past year or so I have done almost everything entirely on my own with the kids taht it didn't feel too different, other than it being a big family time.
So, it was a good day. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I do feel truly blessed for the good things in my life - family, friends, great kids, a roof over my head, food on the table, and on and on.
TF, Well done! Sounds like you conquered the holiday and had a good time! Remember the feeling, what you did that worked..it'll help for Christmas.
Have a great weekend!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I can't tell you what a much better place emotionally I am today than Wednesday when I was dreading the holiday. I did so much better than I thought I might.
I am thinking in some ways Christmas might not be as bad as Thanksgiving. He seems very engaged in the hunt for some presents for the kids and I am sure he will be around for our immediate family activities, at least for the most part. Unless something changes a lot in the next month I highly doubt he will join the extended family again, but that will just be for a relatively short time (rather than a full day like yesterday). It is kind of hard to remember but he seems to be less detached from the kids now than he was a year ago which was still pre bomb. I guess we'll see. The good news is I know I can survive a holiday without him now.:)
Yes you can! And each one will get easier. Create the new, positive memories!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
You may have already seen this, but I think this list works well....and especially for couple S and living under the same roof:
DO'S & DON'TS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for that list - those are always good reminders! I am working so hard on that right now. #33 and #34 are good reminders now. I have had some down days lately and get tired of it all. And I don't want to undo any good I have done.
I am trying to figure out how to handle this new and improved alien living in my house. That normal adult is there sometimes but still with a lot of the teenage rebel. It is so strange. In some ways it seems like he has forgotten how to be the "adult" him. Either that, or maybe he is just not there yet. Who knows. I am trying to be grateful for those times and detach from the rest and keep my expectations at zero for the moment and the future. These not-alien sightings help keep my hopes up but I am not sure that is a good thing.
That it keeps your hopes up is just what it is. I have found that as long as I keep it in check internally, I'm ok.
Do I get excited about small things? Sometimes. I have this internal check list where I go over possibilities. Then, if it doesn't play out the way I had hoped for, I'm ok and not terribly disappointed.
Good to hear Thanksgiving went well.
I did an outstanding job of cooking this year (even if I do say so myself)
How did your Thanksgiving go? Did your H end up joining you to eat some of that delicious food (if you do say so yourself :))?
I guess it is a matter of keeping that hope in and in check. I do get a bit excited by some of the things I have seen/heard the past few weeks but have to check myself from slipping back into the "wifely" me. And I am getting to the point where I don't get disappointed anymore, or at least not more than minimally so. I have to say, seeing the real H helps me realize that love for him is still there. There have been so many days in the past 3-4 months or so that I have wondered.
