New, my story

[Inaspin]

Journaling

Had a hard day yesterday, all the emotions of losing my W, not being able to hug and kiss her etc came flooding back during the day.

I had a backslide in that I said ILY to her at the end of a phone conversation, She did not respond so again I realized that I was causing myself pain by saying it as I know she will not respond . The good thing is that I feel I learned from it and will try to not do it again. I also managed to bounce back by the evening and let the negative emotions go.

There were two positives out of the day for me.

1. We went shopping for a costume for the fancy dress function we are going to tonight, she twice snapped at me when I asked an opinion or suggested something, I did not respond because I felt the anger in me, but did not show it and did not react on the emotions I was feeling.

2. Later that evening when we got home, she was very rude and snapped at me saying "what is wrong". I responded calmly that there was nothing wrong, but felt that the way she was speaking to me was not appropriate. She continued to try and bate me saying I was being stupid for feeling lie that etc. I then walked away and took S to bed.

When I came out of the room she came to me and said she was sorry I felt that she was being rude. I calmly said to her that I respect myself to much to continue to be treated the way I was. I said to her that my feelings were real and not "Stupid" and that I would only respond to her if she treated me with the respect that I deserve. I left the conversation there, this is a huge 180 as I tend to drag out fights and R talks. She looked at me and said "Thank You" and I actually saw a glimpse of the W that Love.

This morning she was much lighter and friendlier, nothing to get exited about, but the fact that I was able to communicate my issues without her feeling put down and trying to make her feel guilty is a major thing for me as it is the one thing that we have not been able to do for most of our R.

So baby steps in the right direction for me. I know that the emotional rollercoaster is far from over, but I do feel that I am learning to ride it a little better.

We are going to the fancy dress work function tonight. this is first time we will be out alone together since the bomb. I am a little nervous, but am going to treat her like a friend, be positive, cool and confident and avoid any negative R talks or issues.

Day 5 on it's way.