I'm still here and wanted to give everyone an update. Here's what's happened in a nutshell.
1.) get engaged 2.) Brought new house 3.) ex wife moved back in with our daughter. 4.) she wants to get married in May 2010
That said, I feel utterly confused and lost. I don't know if we should be getting married and even getting back together. I love my wife (ex) so much and I want more than anything for us to be together. However, things are not where I want them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will be. At the same time, we've been making progress and perhaps I need to trust in the progress we've made and hope that things will only get better in time.
My wife wants to get to have an official wedding with ceremony and reception. We never had one for our first marriage, so I can understand why she would want one. That said, we really can't afford it without getting into debt. She doesn't want a big wedding, but our estimates is at about 5-6k. In addition, I have been really tight since I brought the house and a part of me is frustrated and resentful about the house. The thing is that I really didn't want to be the house because (#1) I didn't like the location since it is really far outside of Boston and (#2) I wanted to wait another year until my finances were better off since my rent payment was nothing compared to my mortgage. I also wanting to wait because I felt that we still needed some healing and work in our relationship before we made the big move. I am honestly really stressing out about my finances and I hate living so tight. Whenever I mention finances to her, she thinks that I am complaining and seldom wants to talk about it. This has lead to several large arguments.
At the same time, I feel like I have resentment. During this whole DB process, I've focused so much I trying to win my wife back, to putting her needs first and my needs last. A part of me feels like saying "when our my needs going to get met, what about what I want, etc." I don't want to be bitter, but it the same time I don't want to just settle. I want someone that is going to really love me, to really try to please me and make me happy - to go out of her way to make it known she enjoys being with me. We've made a lot of progress in this area. She is slowly starting to say "I love you" to me, something she naturally doesn't find easy. I also see that she is letting me be more affectionate around her. That said, she still feels that being affectionate is gross and it is frustrating to not be able to hold her hand in public or have her initiate affection. Sexually, she tells me she hates sex and that really bothers me as that is a big deal for me. I also feel that my whole life is on hold. Since I've graduated from college, I've never really done anything for myself. I feel that all my money has gone to helping the family and even if I wanted something, I would always hold back most of the time. And now with this new house and her wanting a wedding, I really can't get myself anything I need.
In addition, I feel that I have little voice in what goes on in our relationship/family. If I disagree with something my wife says, she gets defensive and doesn't try to understand where I'm coming from. I feel like as long as I go along with everything she says and suggests, things are fine - but if I have an opinion that is different, she gets upset. I feel like it is her way or no way. And I guess this really ties back to me feeling resentful.
I am also upset about her best friend and the situation. For those new, when I abandon my family, her best friend pretty much stepped in and helped raised our daughter. Now he is seeing her almost every week for at last a day and he calls our daughter up almost every day to tell her he loves her. I really do hate this and yet that is the bed I made. My daughter also loves spending time with him. I wish things were different, but those are the consequences of my actions.
That said, I have moments that I am really happy being with her. It feels great to wake up in the middle of the night because she wants to talk about her day and simply wants me to rub her back. We've been very playful together and overall I do feel like we are getting closer. But I don't know if this is because I am simply being a doormat and letting her do whatever she wants. I feel so lost. A part of me feels like this isn't working out while a part of me sees all the progress we've made and thinks that things are only going to get better. I also need to deal with this resentment I have or else it will tear me and ultimately our family apart. This DB process is tough and I don't want to give up on our family. I love my wife so much and yet I see so many incompatibilities between us. I don't want to settle, but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. I think I will be posting more for now on as I really don't want to screw up my family.
