Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[Kettricken]

I see what you mean but it seems like he kind of did that in his account of the conversation (first paragraph).

[CountingCrows]

Hmmm, interesting thoughts...it certainly wasn't meant to be seen as pursuing. If anything, it was my way of saying I was completely dropping the rope. I'm moving on with my life without her. I don't call her, don't text her and only offer up the scarcest bits of my life when she asks. I've gone about as dark as I can at this point.

I did feel bad for my childish behavior, so I was probably more humble than I should have been. But the only thing I asked for...said I wouldn't tolerate the lack of...was civility when it came to our contact for the sake of s7. Not quite sure what "show of strength" I could have followed it up with. Forgot that I did mention that being almost 2 1/2 hours late from a scheduled time for pickup was absolutely unacceptable, and that for now on I would be bringing s7 over myself instead of having her pick him up, and that I would be picking him back up at the agreed time.

The offer to help her technologically was simply because she is such a neophyte, I wanted to make sure that she was actually able to access the drive, but I don't intend to be her "Geek Rescue" man any time she has problems. I definitely won't be going out of my way to help her out.

[CountingCrows]

Although the Thanksgiving holiday has been emotionally tough, particularly yesterday when pulling out all the ornaments with s7 to decorate our Christmas tree, the lack of required contact with W has helped me detach somewhat better. W has had not called/texted at all except on Thanksgiving night when she called to wish S7 a good one.

Now it's Saturday, and I have told W that s7 could spend the night tonight, as I made plans to go out with friends about 2 weeks ago. I just checked my phone and she's called twice and left VM asking me to contact her to find out what the plans are for s7. W still sounds very sick and I'm not sure that being around sick people is a good idea for S7, since he's been fighting a cold since last weekend, when he spent the night and W's roommate's D6 was quite sick. I don't want to cancel my plans, but I also have S7's best interest in mind. I also don't want W to think I'm trying to keep her from seeing S7, since she's had so little contact this week, with school being out.

I also am struggling with what to do about the continued financial support I'm giving W. As I've said before, I promised not to leave her "destitute", and agreed to pay her a small "allowance" each week when I got paid until she got on her feet. When she left, she had no job, but has now been working for a few weeks, although she gets paid very little. My paycheck will be quite short next week, due to the loss of 2 days pay over the holiday (I'm contract and only get paid for the days I work). My thinking is that I will reduce her "allowance" by the 3/5ths that I'm being shorted next week, and tell her that it will continue to be reduced each following week.

At this point, she is making no attempts whatsoever to have any type of friendship or R with me, and is barely making efforts to retain a R with S7. I no longer have access to her call records, so I don't have any idea what the sitch is with OM, but I assume they are still carrying on with A, or she'd be coming to me for friendship/emotional support. I need to set a new boundary and let her know that I won't continue to pay her an allowance as long as she has nothing to do with our lives. Just don't want it to blow up in my face. Any suggestions as to how to approach this in the right manner?

[CountingCrows]

Texted W asking if she and her roommate were still sick and she immediately called me. Kept discussion upbeat and mostly to the point. Discussed the fact that neither of us felt that S7 should be exposed to the illness, particularly if he was already showing some symptoms since last weekend. I'll have to change my plans for tonight, but will do something with S7 instead. No problem, I love getting to spend time with him anyway. W asked if she could come by and visit S7 tomorrow, since it's her only day off. Agreed that as long as she let me know in advance when she would be here, I'd make sure we would be home.

I mentioned to W that next week's "allowance" would be short because of my missing days this week. Also reminded her that this support was only temporary and that it wouldn't be something that I continued for much longer now that she has a job. She acknowledged that she knew it was only temporary, and also knew that she would soon have to start covering her own truck payments/insurance as well. I didn't tell her yet, but I plan to discontinue ANY support at the end of the year.

W told me that the temporary position she was working has become a permanent position, as the person she was filling in for isn't coming back. She mentioned that she had been "laying off the pot", and was going to try to get a service job at a hotel, so she could make more money and get into school. I agreed that this was a good plan. W then started going off on some petty issues with her job, and I cut her off saying "Look, I gotta get off of here. I'll talk to you later. Bye".

S7 and I have been working on the house a lot since she left (W was/is a lousy housekeeper), and I'm sure she'll notice the difference. It's the first time in a while that I'd be eager to have someone come over and see the condition of our house. It used to be an embarrassment to me. Until now, I've left "her" bathroom alone, with all her stuff laying all around (I've always used the "boys" bathroom with S7). I started a project to re-plaster all the walls in her bathroom earlier this year, and never finished it. Today, I'm going to take all of W's stuff out of there, put it in boxes, and start working on the walls. Once that's finished, I plan on re-tiling the floor (another project never completed). Since the bathroom isn't being used right now, it's a perfect time to do a little DIY project, and it'll give me something to do while at home with S7, as well as the satisfaction of completing a project to the end.

[CountingCrows]

Nervous about visit from W today. This is the longest period with no face-to-face contact we've had since she left. Just planning on keeping it light, let her visit s7 and try to find something else to keep me occupied around the house while she's here. Probably work on the bathroom some more. It looks quite different now, with all of her stuff cleared out. Don't want to talk finances today...seems like every time we talk, there's something "negative" to discuss. Not sure how "friend-like" I should be, should she want to just chat.

Still reading/re-reading my books. Top priority for this coming week is to schedule appointment with financial adviser and IC.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CC,

I think being busy with a home improvement project like that would be ideal. Be courteous, make your initial hello's and pleasantries, and then excuse yourself to your work, and let your wife and son be.

If she tries to bait you into a finances talk (or a relationship talk), just say "I'm not going to have this discussion right now. We can talk about this later in the week." Or some such.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Well, guess I don't have to deal with W today. She just called about 15 minutes before she was to come over and said that she thought she was coming down with the flu (fever, aches, pains), and was going back to bed. I was very upbeat and only offered a single "Hope you get to feeling better", but didn't coddle her, like I would in the past when she was sick. I asked if she wanted to talk to S7, and she said she'd call him back later today.

Told W that tomorrow my Dad will be picking up son since he has one more day of vacation, while I have to go back to work. Told her I'd see her Tuesday, and quickly got off the phone before she spent anymore of my time feeling sorry for herself. S7 is disappointed, but his friend who'd been gone for the holidays just came over and his sadness disappeared immediately.

Suspect that although W was sick yesterday, she bowed out of taking S7 overnight because she made plans for last night (OM-connected venue had "Cancer Sucks" concert last night). Could be wrong...don't know this for sure, and frankly don't really care. But, if she's feeling like $hit today because she went out last night...GOOD! Regardless, gives me more time to detach before our next face-to-face.

Myself, I had a great time last night. Went to the library and dinner with S7. Later had a platonic female friend come over and visit. Played with son until his bedtime then watched TV, drank a couple of beers and talked until after midnight. Definitely something to be said for GAL!

Going forward with my housecleaning and bathroom renovation project while S7 plays Wii with his friend this afternoon.

[rockedworld]

Yes, there most definitely IS something to be said for GAL! Good for you... and that time to detach in between always helps too. You just keep on being a great Dad!

[CountingCrows]

In a bit of a funk today. A little hard to get up and go to work this morning. W never called S7 yesterday like she said she would, so he tried to call her at bedtime and she didn't answer. Tomorrow morning when/if she comes over to see him off to school, it will be one full week since she has seen him last, and has only talked to him briefly once during that period (Thanksgiving). I can almost understand/accept her shutting me out of her life, but it's beyond my comprehension that she can do it to S7. I know that she's been sick and works 6 days a week, but a quick phone call or 10 minute visit would mean so much to him.

S7's having to go through the detachment process as much as me, and it really hurts me to watch that. All I can do is be there for him, love him and reassure him that we'll be O.K. no matter what. We spent about 2 hours last night making paper snowflakes, and putting them up on the wall for decoration. He'd never made them before, and was thrilled to see how different each one we made turned out. I know that I'll never regret the memories that I'm building with my only son, who'll be 7 years old only for this one Christmas.

Anyway...time to "get the funk out" and get some work done. Just needed to vent a little.

[Awoken]

S7's having to go through the detachment process as much as me, and it really hurts me to watch that.

CC, I can't imagine watching my kids detaching. It's hard enough watching them worry about the M, and trying to do things to "fix it".

I know that I'll never regret the memories that I'm building with my only son, who'll be 7 years old only for this one Christmas.

It's heartening for me to hear you talk about what you are doing with your son. My sitch has brought me closer to my own kids, and I need to be more thankful for the good memories we are building right now. Thanks for sharing that!