No, CC, "all you could do" would be to say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we're not having this discussion now. I have to go, in fact I'm already late for something." Or whatever.
It takes two to "somehow have an R convo," Crows. You need to try harder at not giving her the required quorum to have one.
Puppy
I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent giving her that quorum. Also, to stop trying to "teach" her, as you're right...She's unteachable.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I know I'm confused and still emotionally weak, but I'm questioning my motives. I'm having second thoughts about my true intentions for cutting W off of my WiFi. I'm thinking to myself "Am I just being spiteful and petty?". There's no cost or harm in letting her use it when she comes over. At the same time, allowing her to use it now would be backing down on a boundary I set, and would make me appear weak.
I really don't want to create more tension between us than necessary. We've got to get along right now for s7's sake. Am I just better off letting things stand where they are right now, and just try to have as little contact/talk with her as possible? I want so bad to tell her that I would like to try to at least remain friendly, but I know that's not what I should do.
I REALLY need to pick up No More Mr. Nice Guy...as I'm a classic case of one. Add it to my list of books I still haven't had a chance to read yet.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
No, she just uses it to surf art sites and download pics, but she also uses it to access the music/movies/pics on my main server. In the case of this morning when she was trying to get online, she was trying to get a Windows update that it was prompting her about.
To the best of my knowledge, W and OM haven't used the Internet to communicate...just cell phones.
She has been talking about buying a external hard drive since she left, so that she could have copies of all the digital pics/music/movies. I told her that I wasn't holding the files hostage, and that I would help her get copies of all of them onto a hard drive (W is a computer neophyte), but that I wouldn't buy one for her.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
On Tuesday morning, after thinking/praying long and hard about my actions and motives the night of 11/23, I asked my W to visit with me for a few minutes before I left for work. She groaned, expecting me to still be mad about the weekend's fight(s) and reluctantly stepped out into the garage with me. I sat down across from her and told her that I had acted childish and spiteful by cutting off her internet access. I apologized for my behavior. Explained that I had restored her access, and that she could to bring her laptop with her when she comes over and use it if she wished.
Then, I looked her right in the eye and told her
"I love you more than I can tell you and I truly want you to be happy. I respect and trust you to make decisions for your life that are right for you. By the same token, I am going to continue make decisions that I feel are right for me and for our son. You've heard and read my letter and you know where my lines are drawn. I've got to let you go and focus on taking care of me and s7.
But, I can't tolerate this turmoil and tension that we've had lately. It's not good for you, me, us or s7. I want to call a truce and figure out a way to be civil with each other. Regardless of what happens in the future, we will have to work with each other as our son grows up. I'd like to give you a "peace offering" this morning. Here is an external hard drive with all of the server's music, movies and digital photos. Everything that you would have access to when you're connected to the network, you'll have available on your local system. I'm not holding 15 years of shared memories for "ransom". I'll help you get your mp3 player set up to point to this drive, or any other help you need to learn how to access the files. Let my actions speak, instead of my words."
She acted stunned. As I said, I think she was expecting me to bring her aside to start another fight. She apologized again for taking my prescription meds once again, saying that she wasn't digging through my desk drawer trying to find them, but rather trying to find a DVD backup of our photos, since everything has been digital since 1998. Chatted briefly about how all of them were on the external hard drive going all the way back to Colorado (where we lived when we got married 11 years ago). Told her I was late, stood up, bent down and kissed her on the top of her head and said "Peace", and left for work.
I didn't hear a word from W all day/night Tuesday or Wednesday, but received a call from her tonight. She was calling to wish s7 a Happy Thanksgiving. After talking with s7 for a few minutes, she asked for me and told me that the number she was calling from was her new phone that she just got. Said she was really sick, but that she was still going into work tomorrow, because she needed the hours. Told me she loved and missed me and s7. I didn't respond. W said that she figured I had spent the day with my family but didn't want to let the holiday pass without calling. She asked how it went with my family. I told her that we had a good day visiting with everyone. She said that she missed me, and I said "same here". My son and I had only been home for about 15 minutes when W called, and s7 came in (probably to ask for a drink) and saw that I was still on the phone, and walked out. I said I had to go, and told her goodbye.
Not reading anything into anything anymore. I made the gesture of peace for myself and s7, not for her. I don't expect it to lead to anything, but I hope we can at least be cordial when we have to see each other. Part of me does hope that she'll spend some time looking through all those years of photos, seeing herself and our son through my camera's eye. We always had a very peaceful marriage, and were very happy until a few years ago. Personally, it was pretty painful to look through them as I prepared to copy them to her hard drive. Seeing our earliest years of marriage, the birth of a our son, the years of being a family. I just had to stop looking at them and just copied them.
I need to get a very tired 7 year old off to bed.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm thankful for this forum as a place to vent, receive advice, opinions and 2x4s. Thankful for all the people here willing to give of themselves and help people like myself learn how to move on with our lives despite the pain and heartbreak of having major relationship problems.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
"I love you more than I can tell you and I truly want you to be happy. I respect and trust you to make decisions for your life that are right for you. By the same token, I am going to continue make decisions that I feel are right for me and for our son. You've heard and read my letter and you know where my lines are drawn. I've got to let you go and focus on taking care of me and s7.
But, I can't tolerate this turmoil and tension that we've had lately. It's not good for you, me, us or s7. I want to call a truce and figure out a way to be civil with each other. Regardless of what happens in the future, we will have to work with each other as our son grows up. I'd like to give you a "peace offering" this morning. Here is an external hard drive with all of the server's music, movies and digital photos. Everything that you would have access to when you're connected to the network, you'll have available on your local system. I'm not holding 15 years of shared memories for "ransom". I'll help you get your mp3 player set up to point to this drive, or any other help you need to learn how to access the files. Let my actions speak, instead of my words."
She acted stunned. As I said, I think she was expecting me to bring her aside to start another fight. She apologized again for taking my prescription meds once again, saying that she wasn't digging through my desk drawer trying to find them, but rather trying to find a DVD backup of our photos, since everything has been digital since 1998. Chatted briefly about how all of them were on the external hard drive going all the way back to Colorado (where we lived when we got married 11 years ago). Told her I was late, stood up, bent down and kissed her on the top of her head and said "Peace", and left for work.
This is really nice, CC, but it strikes me as supplicating. I think it would have been MUCH stronger if (and I thought this was where you were going when I read "then I looked her in the eyes and said --") you had accompanied your "peace offering" with a strong new boundary (or three).
I dunno. We've kinda been going around the world lately, doing this same sort of appeasement to foreign foes, hoping it will ingratiate them to us. The press laps it up, and it makes us FEEL good, but the sad reality is that it has netted us, as a nation:
ZERO.
Truces are only effective when they follow an all-out VICTORY. I know this isn't a war, but I do think the dynamics are much the same.
So you would advocate holding 15 years of shared history for ransom???
Interesting.
No. It was a nice touch; I was the one that suggested he back off on the internet access, remember? I just think he should have accompanied the gesture with a show of strength, lest it be seen as pursuing or supplicating.
