Cyrena, that's an interesting list. I'm operating at the lofty and rarified level of 2! I have female friends with whom I reach the level of 5, but they're not sexual so that doesn't meet Schnarch's defintion. So, in a sense I'm at level 5, it's just that I meet the different components of the need with different people!
If I were satisifed with my situation, I wouldn't be posting here!
Strong&Alive, I can't disagree with anything you say. But it doesn't make divorce look better.
We had more than one set of therapists. The last set involved both joint and individual for a period of about 6 months. The result was a better understanding of each other and how to constructively (or more accurately, to prevent destructive or nonproductive exchanges) continue our relationship. My wife thought it was stressful and wanted it to end.
I don't argue with her about sex. That's one thing we learned in therapy -- we don't tell each other what we ought to want or think. We only say what each of us would like, without demanding. That's obviously nothing but the truth, so it doesn't trigger an argument.
I think she feels too guilty to say no. And she doesn't want to deal with any aspect of sex, period. It makes her feel inadequate. My gut feeling that has resulted from this long SSM experience is that the only person who cares about my sexuality, or shows any interest in it, in my marriage is me. And since my wife also does NOT want a divorce (she has said so), I feel free to take care of my sexuality as I decide for myself, as long as it doesn't impact my family in some direct way (such as being absent for long periods of time, or causing undue embarrassment, etc.).
I know that may be a jarring picture to some, but it is a balance I've lived with for years, and I'm comfortable with it, but certainly not happy about it in the sense that I know it could be much better.
